Posted on

Fairness: Doing our fair share

If saying please and thank you are the first manners that parents teach their children, then sharing is very close to the top of the list also.  When we share it makes things fair for everyone involved and it is a way of developing relationships.  As our young children learn about sharing, there will be times when it is easier than other times, times when they want to and times when they would rather not.

One idea of sharing though that may be overlooked from time to time, is the idea of “doing our share”.   It is valuable for every child to feel like they are a part of the team / family.  Now if we worked on a team at school or at work and one person on the team had no responsibilities that person may not really feel that they were part of the team.  They had no role to play or actions to take.  They would be left out.

The same is true with our children.  It is important for them to be a part of the team and to share in the activities / chores that the team does.  Taking part on the team in this manner will teach them to share the responsibility for the work that needs to be done, their part in chores and a sense of belonging to something bigger than just themselves.  Doing your fair share is very important for every family member.

Posted on

Fairness and healthy competition

It is almost always in the matter of games and competition that we hear the call of that’s not fair.  We live in a society that winning is very important, so much so that sometimes there are those that will do almost anything to win, even to the detriment of their reputation or even health.  It starts at an early age playing a board game, when the rules are not completely understood or there is an intense rivalry between players.  Someone may be tempted to skirt the rules for the sake of “winning”.

When that happens it is not fair to the other players, and many times causes resentment among the competitors and most certainly create a situation that is not fun for others.  In teaching fairness I believe that first we the parents must have a healthy attitude about competition.  Our children learn from us “how important winning is”, and how we should react when we lose.  We may have to reduce the amount of playing time we play individually as we work on our competitive attitude.

Here is a simple fact of life that all children must learn and adults need to remember.  Life is hard, sometimes we will lose, and many times it will not seem fair.  The sooner we teach our children that life is not just about being first, winning at all cost, and having more than others – the better prepared they will be for the real world, in a healthy way.

We do this by setting the example for them.  Not comparing ourselves with others, or demonstrating a jealousy over what another family has or is doing.  Fairness is not about competition, it is about getting what we need and deserve.

Posted on

Maintaining the trust of our children

A series of post's on leadership in the familyWe all know the importance of trust and integrity in our relationships.  There is no place where that is more important than in the relationship that we have with our family members and especially our children.   Warren Bennis  said in his book that integrity “is the one quality that cannot be acquired but must be earned.”

It is as Stephen Covey talks about, like a bank account.  We build it a little at a time by what we say and do.  We can make withdrawals too, by not living up to our word or doing what we say we are going to do.  Interestingly though, like in a construction project, it is easier to tear something down than it is to build it up.   In regard to our children, they come into the world trusting us to the fullest.  They depend on us for everything.   So we want to do everything possible to maintain that trust and belief in our integrity.

How do we maintain and build that relationship?  By saying what we mean and mean what you say – everyday.  Our position of leader of the family is based on our ability to be consistent with our word.   By not threatening an act you have no intention of following through on, by following through on every rule you have set and agreed to with your family, will allow you to grow the respect for each other in the family and set an example that others are willing to follow.

Posted on

How to build the confidence in our children

A series of post's on leadership in the familyIf you are the leader of a team you probably already know that there are 3 things that have a positive affect on those you are leading.  First if you give them attention,  affirmation and appreciation.  Doing those three things will result in your team responding in a positive manner.

The same is true with our children.  They need our attention and not just when they have done something that is against our rules.  They need for us to give them some undivided attention, showing them their value to us.  Then they need affirmation.  This step of affirming their worth and value, affirming what they are doing that meets the values of our family and catching them doing the right thing is so important to building their confidence.  Finally they need to know they are appreciated.  Appreciation is something that all of us like to feel from those that we love.  This appreciation or gratitude for being who we are and for being a part of this family will also go a long way in building the esteem of our children.

So there we have it.  If we want our children to respond positively to our love and discipline give them our attention, affirmation, and appreciation and they will do so.

Posted on

Fairness: What it means to be fair or unfair

We have all heard it and all of us have said it and some time in our life.  “The words almost always precede an argument or fight amongst siblings or even friends.  They are, “THAT’S NOT FAIR.”  When it is a young child saying those words it is usually about someone getting more than them or someone getting to do something that they cannot do.  When it is an older child it could be about something very childish or it may be not being allowed to do something that they feel they have the right and need to do.  Still further along on the age continuum as an adult we may feel that something is not fair when we see or feel an injustice being committed in the legal or political system.  Or on a more personal level, an adult may feel the unfair treatment from an employer or even a friend.

Those words, that’s not fair, carry with them some very intense emotions.  So what is it that makes something unfair?  First as an adult we understand that the word fairness can mean different things in different situations.  It may have to do with a group project that all must  contribute equally for the best results. On the other hand we would not expect to provide equal amounts of help on a project to an experienced team member as we would an inexperienced one.

As a parent though, dealing with those words from younger children certainly does not carry with it the same emotions as being accused by a teen of not being fair.  This month I hope to discuss this subject on a number of different levels including when we are being accused and when we can act as a mediator.  The meaning we are working with is, treating others according to what’s needed, deserved, and appropriate.

Posted on

Our Personal Influence on Others

A series of post's on leadership in the familyWhile I have not been able to confirm this factoid, sociologist say that every person will influence 10,000 other people in their lifetime.  What that means to me is that there are quite a few people watching us and at any given time will be swayed one way or another by our words or actions.

Here is what I know to be true:  Parents / Leaders influence their children.  That is such a huge responsibility.  Everything we say and more important every action we take is being recorded on the minds and hearts of not only our own children, but of every child that comes in contact with us.

In class the other day one of the students kept repeating this phrase, “what the…?”  No they did not complete the sentence but I was waiting to hear what the next word was going to be.  It is a funny thing about our children and us as parents.  Not unusually, the very things that get to us, the habits that our children have or little ways of doing things that irritate us are generally speaking, habits that either we or our mate have demonstrated that we do not like about ourselves.

If we have a personality flaw that we would like to change about ourselves, and we see it in our child, that is the one that we will many times be the most upset about with our child.  Because we have such a large influence on our children,  working on ourselves and willingly open about that work, our children will be influenced also in creating a better habits.

Have you noticed too, the influence that older children have on younger ones.  I like to use this in speaking to the older child about their responsibility to influence, set a good example for and be a leader to their younger brother and sister.  For some children this is a great motivator for them.  They like the idea of being that leader, so without abusing that possibility, we can call on that from them to reinforce the idea of our team / our family.