Category: Gifts of Character

Teaching our children how to apologize for mistakes and accidental acts is a part of learning good manners. The Balanced Life Skills Way of making an apology is by saying the words out completely, “I am sorry”. In this way the child is not just saying a quick “sorry” in a manner that is assuredly not completely meant or even understanding what they are apologizing about.

A complete apology starts with saying “I am sorry” followed with what you are sorry about. An example would be, “I am sorry for knocking your blocks over.” This can be followed up with, “Can I help you pick them up?” When an act takes place that is accidental, the follow up of an apology helps the child to begin to understand how the other person may feel. We may need to assist them with questions like, “How do you think they feel?” or a comment “I believe that Tommy is frustrated that his blocks got knocked over. How can you help him?”

The other side of this is when an act is on purpose. Recently when speaking to students on this subject I asked when is it appropriate to make an apology? One of the first responses was “when you push someone”. While an apology is in order if someone is pushed there is much more work to do with the aggressor. This seems to be an act that is on purpose with the goal of getting what they want. Now is the time to get the child to understand that he needs to apologize – “I am sorry for pushing you.” The second step is be very firm that this behavior is not acceptable, not the way we treat others. Ask them how they think the other person may feel, how they might feel if someone pushed them and then ask “What can you do to make this right or better? What can you do to not let this happen again?”

It is likely that they will have many “reasons” for the push. We can help them to see that being aggressive in this manner, that intentional pushing is never right and is not the way our family treats others. Some of this teaching will need to be done immediately and some of this can be extended to times that emotions are not as high to have the most effect.

Learning to apologize is good manners. Even as adults, we can use these lessons for ourselves – being sure that when we say to our spouse, workmate or others that we are sorry, that it is heartfelt and sincere with the intent to be more mindful in the future.

As our children get older they begin to feel their independence and they want to show that they can do things on their own. They may begin to feel that they no longer need to tell us, their parents, when or where they are coming or going. Even if they do tell us, they may feel a certain amount of resentment about having to do so.

So how do we overcome this inclination? When my children were growing up, whenever I was getting ready to leave the house, I always made sure to tell each of them individually that I was leaving, where I was going and what time I expected to return. At first I just made this a practice. Later as they got older, I explained to them the reason for doing so.

I did not want them to wonder where I was if they were looking for me. I wanted them to know when to expect me to return, in case they had something to talk about or ask me. I explained to them it was my way of showing my respect for them. Then as they got older, I could ask them to do the same for me. I had set the example.

Was it or is it required that a parent tell their children – even when there is another adult in the house? Of course not. But doing so gives you an excellent argument when your child feels like it is intrusive to their independence. It is demonstrating good manners – showing kindness and respect.

 

Manners are so important for children to learn as in the words of Clarence Thomas, “Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.” When we use the good manners of saying please when making requests, or thank you when others have done a good deed toward us, we are showing that the feelings of others matter to us.

In the past year we have talked about courtesy and empathy – both of which are required for us to practice good manners. All of us have heard someone say the words “thank you”, but we did not feel the emotion of gratitude coming from their heart. As we teach our children the etiquette of using polite words, we also want to help them to imagine how others are feeling and appreciate the need to treat others how they would like to be treated.

Our goal at Balanced Life Skills is not just to be an outstanding martial arts school, but also to have students who others look at and recognize as having great manners, a positive attitude and compassion for others. If that is your goal too, you are in the right place – as we work together to help our students be those people.

Each month we will discuss a life skill with all of our students.  This month the word is Manners.  This word will be defined in the following ways for our students.

 

Young students:  Manners: “I do kind things and use polite words!”

Older students:  Manners means: Words and actions that show kindness and respect for others.

Each age group has a worksheet that parents can use to continue the discussion at home with their children, and one for adults to allow them to think more deeply about the skill and how it applies to them.  Would you like to receive the worksheet?  Stop by our studio at 133 Gibralter Avenue in Annapolis, MD and tell us the age of your child.  We will give you a worksheet and invite you to watch Mr. Joe discuss the word with the students in class.  You can also follow our discussions here on this website.

If you would like to become a member of Balanced Life Skills, come TRY CLASSES FOR FREE.   We are not your typical martial arts school, in fact we are an education center, working with our students on physical skills along with character.  We are building confidence in each child.  Balanced Life Skills takes part in community service and encourages each student to do the same.  You are welcomed to come in and talk to the parents that are here and watch the class for the age group you are interested in.