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Active Listening Improves All Relationships

all-earsEvery time we talk about listening I have to admit to my students that this is a skill that I am still working on personally. The first reminder is that we listen to either learn, understand, or for enjoyment. What we hear and then remember is less than you might think (there is no real scientific studies on this that I could find) some saying 10% and others up to 50%.   I believe either of these numbers may be high for some people. Is it any wonder that we have misunderstandings, rifts in relationships and directions that are not followed through on?

It is most likely that you have heard of “active listening”, as it is taught by most leadership instructors and talked about by most counselors. This is when you not only hear the words the other person is saying, but you get the message they are sending to you. Occasionally nodding your head or other gestures lets them know that you are still involved in the conversation. There is more!

denial-edit2Putting aside your own thoughts, how you might present a rebuttal, why this person is wrong allows us the mental capacity to listen, not just to their words, but their body language too. Your goal is to get the whole message and feeling that this person is trying to get across to you. Being able to respond in a way that shows empathy and understanding of the persons thoughts and feelings can only happen if you hear the words and emotions as shown in the whole person.

It is very easy to discourage the speaker from telling their story with your body language, by giving attention to others in the room, or if you are not encouraging them with small verbal comments or even a question or two, showing your interest in understanding. In the end you may want to ask questions to be sure the meaning of their words matches the meaning that you heard. Before asking those kind of questions though, give the speaker the opportunity to complete their thought – otherwise they may lose their thought process.

These listening skills are appropriate for the workplace, for spouses and for children. No matter the speaker, we want to feel like we were heard and responded to respectfully. When we do not get that feeling, it is very easy to shut down or not tell the whole story. The process of listening takes a lot of concentration and determination. Old habits are hard to break, but doing so will strengthen your ability to be a leader and all of your relationships.

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Learning to Listen is Leadership 101

1-learn-listenGreat leaders are not the ones that talk the loudest or the most.

When great leaders speak though – people do listen. The reason they listen is most likely not just about power, but rather that in past times the leader has been a great listener. They have been willing to give credibility to the ideas and needs of those around them.

When teaching young people to listen we emphasize the need to keep their eyes open and on the person who is talking to them. They need to show interest and understanding of what is being said by nodding their head, asking questions and be able to repeat back to the person the gist of what was said.

They must keep their ears open listening not just to the words being spoken, but the inflection in the voice, listening for deeper meanings – again asking questions to be sure that you really understand the position, question or issue that the person would like to address.

Finally they must learn to keep their mouths closed – not talking over the other person or interrupting them to express their own ideas. I love the way the American Indians had a “talking stick” that others did not speak until the person holding the talking stick gave it up.

One of the biggest distractions we can have as a listener is what is going on in our own head. Thinking of what we are going to say, how we might prove the other person wrong or present our ideas in a stronger manner is not good listening, not it is not good leadership. Leadership requires that we are willing to hear and meet the needs of those in our sphere of influence. Failure to do so may eliminate our ability to lead those in an effective manner.

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Suicide Awareness Activities in Annapolis Area

out of darknessStarting Saturday September 7 and for the next week across the country thousands of individuals will be taking part in Out of the Darkness walks and other activities to bring attention to the mental health issues of suicide.  Suicide has been a very difficult subject to talk about, but those times are changing.  In our country in 2010 (latest reports available) suicide has moved to the 10th leading cause of death of Americans.  While the numbers decreased from 1990 – 2000, since that time they have been on a very sharp rise.  With the latest figures we know that every 13.7 minutes someone in our country completes suicide.

The events that shock us the most is when they are deaths of young people and adolescents in the age range of 15 to 24.  But the data shows the highest rate of suicide is males in the age group of 45 -64.  Since getting data is very difficult, I find the attempts of suicide is even more troubling.

In 2010 the reports show that for every completed suicide (38,000 in 2010) there are 12 events where individuals performed some sort of self harm that required a visit to the hospital.  Even more shocking is that while males were 4 times more likely to die by suicide, females attempted suicide 3 times more often than males.

Out of the darknessThe education work, willingness to talk about the subject and bringing awareness to the community is something that all of us can do.  We must educate our young people and those that are in contact with them on a daily basis.  We must take the stigma away from asking what seem to be difficult questions – that when asked may save a life.

Our Balanced Life Skills Team has done well in raising money for the cause, and next week you will have an opportunity to Dine Out to Save A Life.  Three restaurants locally are participating, and our hope is that next year even more will participate.  Killarney House in Davidsonville, Galway Bay in downtown Annapolis, and Brian Boru in Severna Park are all offering a special menu for $25, of which $10 will be contributed to the Youth Suicide Awareness group here in Anne Arundel County.  The money collected will be used in education and in grants to high schools to create their own programs of awareness for their students.

At this point though I would like to invite you to join me at City Dock prior to 11:30 AM just to walk.  No other request.  Become aware of the issue.  Ask questions.  This fall consider learning more at a QPR training at Balanced Life Skills.

You never know when your knowledge may Save A Life.

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The Character of Leadership

Brady - ZoeOur conversation this month on Leadership started with asking the students, What is a leader? There were many comments, but all ended that the person had to be honest and “nice” to others. Obviously a leader has to be someone that others want to follow, but why? Why are people willing to follow another person? People are willing to follow others if the leader has a vision or a goal and then is able to make good choices and set a great example.

Leaders have a very strong vision, yet they are willing to listen to the ideas of others, to be fair with others. Their character and values are very high. They are not in their position because they are bossy, but rather because they know how to listen and implement good ideas from others. Everyone’s ideas are important.

Most importantly and the Balanced Life Skills Way, is for leaders to ask, “How can I help you?”. When they can ask that question and then perform by doing something for them, they are in a position to inspire others to action.

One BLS Student this past week collected 4 bags and boxes of shoes for our BLS Shoe Drive this fall. They did it with leadership and the strong desire to help others. Our students are all learning to be compassionate, have awareness and respect for others.  If you want to help here is a flier you can use to collect from your neighborhood.

Shoe Drive Neighborhood Flier

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Life Skills – Leadership: The Definition

Teaching Children Life SkillsEach month we will discuss a life skill with all of our students. This month the word is Leadership. This word will be defined in the following ways for our students.

 

 

Young students: Leadership: “I am a good example and make great choices – so follow me!”

Older students: Leadership means: ”Inspiring people to take action towards a common goal.”

Each age group has a worksheet that parents can use to continue the discussion at home with their children, and one for adults to allow them to think more deeply about the skill and how it applies to them. Would you like to receive the worksheet? Stop by our studio at 133 Gibralter Avenue in Annapolis, MD and tell us the age of your child. We will give you a worksheet and invite you to watch Mr. Joe discuss the word with the students in class.  You can also follow our discussions here on this website.

If you would like to become a member of Balanced Life Skills, come TRY CLASSES FOR FREE. We are not your typical martial arts school, in fact we are an education center, working with our students on physical skills along with empowering families with compassion, awareness and respect. We believe in every child and build their confidence in themselves. Balanced Life Skills takes part in community service and encourages each student to do the same.

Come in and talk to the parents that are here and watch the class for the age group you are interested in.

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Visual Arts at Balanced Life Skills Begins In One Week

 

 Visual Arts @ Balanced Life Skills  starts in just one week.  In a list of reasons that “the arts” are important Visual ArtsDee Dickerson of John Hopkins School of Education says that they:

  • integrate mind, body and spirit
  • provide opportunities for self expression
  • creates a connection between motivation, instruction, assessment and practical application
  • they improve academic achievement – enhancing test scores, attitudes, social skills and critical and creative thinking.
  • they provide a means for every student to learn.

This is a partial list, but what is included here are the main reasons we started Visual Arts at Balanced Life Skills. Especially the part of providing a means for every student to learn. Every student is different and Visual Arts students may be less inclined to do the physical martial arts. They can now learn the Balanced Life Skills Way of compassion, awareness and respect through the arts.   I believe that their work may also be great teaching tools for the rest of us.

I invite all parents to consider balancing your child’s life with physical activity in the Martial Arts and with creative Visual Arts activity. The instructors are looking forward to engaging your children.

We are looking forward to our first Parents Night Out on September 13 with a combination of Martial Arts and Visual Arts classes.

Learn more by calling 410-263-0050