On Tuesday September 9 at 5 PM, Balanced Life Skills has a special guest coming to speak to our students about work being done in Haiti. In the province that he lives in there is an organization partially sponsored by the Rotary Club of South Anne Arundel County called T3 that has been working on cooking needs, computer training and building a trade school for the students in that community.
I would like to invite our community to hear their story. A group of Balanced Life Skills students and those involved with our soon to be formed Interact Club will learn what they might be able to do to support the efforts in Haiti.
Where does confidence come from? Especially self-confidence? When I asked a group of students this question we received many different answers, but the one that concerned me the most was – “when others complement us”. The long term effect of too much praise is not confidence, it can end up in dependance.
This does not mean that praise is out – in fact, praise is an important part of demonstrating to our children or anyone for that matter our admiration for them and even our affection. But with too much praise for too little effort, children especially can become as dependent on praise as their motivating factor as they can on sugar. Nothing wrong with sugar – a little bit – but too much is so bad for us. Too much praise creates a child that is only willing to do just enough to get by with mediocre effort, rather than independent with the ability to set goals and put in the time and effort to reach the goal based on self discipline.
Allow me to give you a grown up example of how getting use to praise for the work we do results in a dependency on praise rather than self – motivation and discipline. How many of us have seen individuals who were conditioned athletes who became dependent on being in the limelight, receiving the admiration of others – who after losing that trigger, no longer took care of themselves physically and simply turned into couch potatoes? This is not limited to professional athletes – it includes anyone who has been rewarded for victories and accomplishments and then became dependent on that kind of praise to motivate themselves to stay in shape.
The exact same thing can happen to a child who becomes dependent on external praise to build their confidence. When the praise is not coming in enough quantity or for an act that they come to believe they should get it for – they give up, not interested in the activity or feel like a less valuable person – resulting in even deeper issues.
What is the answer?
Look for the good in our children
Praise the effort and the behavior
Emphasize self-pride for accomplishments rather than external rewards
Focus on the process of learning*
Communicate expectations for self (goal setting)
One more thought on the process of learning. Praising for the final accomplishment – trophy / blue ribbon / new belt in Martial arts / leads a child down the path that they ‘have to win or be better than everyone around them’. They may develop warped values regarding fairness to the point that they are discouraged from trying or continuing their quest.
Learning a new skill, whether it is physical like riding a bike or swimming, mental like reading or doing math or social like sharing or conflict resolution – all of these require gradual steps that build on each other. Encouraging our children to enjoy this process or ‘practice’ by praising that effortand the incremental improvements, support their growth in learning, excelling and being confident.
With so many news events that make us shake our head and wonder how a human that grew up in a ‘civilized’ society could act in such horrific ways – creating a culture of kindness / peace becomes more important to us as parents and educators. I believe like many of you that culture change is difficult to affect on the big scale – in fact impossible to affect unless it is also achieved on the individual and family scale. Really is “the world” at peace if we personally have turmoil, difficulties, and heartache in our lives?
Aggression that takes place between children usually happens out of the sight of adults and caregivers. Isn’t that interesting? Because the same thing is true with adult aggression. A child may pull their pranks of aggression in the bathroom at school, or on the bus or a corner of the playground – adults try to hide their aggressive acts too.
I heard a story one time of an adult who waited till their target was alone in the file room of an office before they showed a side of themselves no one in the office had ever seen or at least talked about before. Pushing a co-worker against the cabinets – they told them to never ever do “such & such again” or things would get worse for them. Now while this one incident would not in and of itself be bullying – this aggressive act had a major impact on the target, a young employee with no seniority. She eventually quit the job and moved away, as her fear overwhelmed her desire to work for this company.
There are two lessons here. The first lesson is that children who are aggressive can and will take this with them into adulthood. The ramifications of that are huge. The second lesson that is not seen as easily is that the effects of aggression – of bullying others – is devastating to the perpetrators too.
Did you know that those with higher rates of aggression when they are young also have higher rates of traffic violations, drunk driving, domestic violence, and depression. Of those identified as being aggressive when they are young – 60% of them have committed one crime by the age of 24.
The effects on those who are the target of their aggression and on those who have observed it are devastating as well. Ignoring or denying that bullying is perpetrated by a child or student or a child is a target of aggression, is damaging to them and our society in the short and long term. We must not ignore this behavior or go along with those that might see aggressive behavior as a part of growing up or who have a “my child is a leader” mentality.
The damage being done now will affect their life and that of others in the future. One of my goals is to help our community become aware of and build a culture of kindness, peace and compassion in our families, schools and communities.
On September 27 at 10 AM I will be addressing the issue of bullying in a class titled, The Truth About Bullying. This one hour class will not only discuss the definition and effects of bullying on children, but also why children wait so long to tell authorities and the six skills every child needs in our efforts to build a culture of kindness. These skills are meant to help a child from becoming the target of bullying and to help those inclined to be aggressive.
This link will give further details on this class as well as the follow up classes to help every parent.
Confidence is one of the things that martial arts schools in particular tout as the quality that your child will get if they take part in their classes. Building confidence is not about martial arts any more than it is about dance, gymnastics, playing an instrument or soccer. It is about feeling competent in a practice you have chosen to take part in. Recently a mom was telling me that her daughter who is being tutored in math is getting better at math and she sees a real growth in confidence. I would agree – when we become more competent we stop putting ourselves down (compassion for ourselves) and we do not feel like others are looking at us in a bad light – we are proud of ourselves. We do not need others to tell us we are good, we just know we are.
For a child or an adult what does confidence feel like? When any of us are confident with a task or in ourselves there is a special energy or strength we feel. As one student said, “in soccer I want to be the last to shoot penalty shots. I am sure I will score and win for our team.” There is a certainty that we literally can feel in our body.
As a parent we cannot give our child confidence. We can however nurture their special interests. While we may not understand their interest in dinosaurs – if a child has an interest or passion and are able to demonstrate their expertise, they are more likely to be successful in other areas of their life. Accepting that and not pushing them to do what we think they should be interested in is part of our parenting in a manner to help them to grow. Of course we want to expose them to a variety of activities. But finding the one they are passionate about is key to growing confidence.
In the martial arts we can especially gain confidence for a number of reasons and in a variety of ways. Students will get stronger physically, be able to demonstrate moves and other skills. Students will learn to set goals and reach them and they will learn to help others. Encouraging them in the aspects that they love is a way of building confidence.
Becoming a black belt is a process that results in a confident person – no matter the age. I encourage our students to be a black belt in life, which means always doing your best, being optimistic and creative, and persevering until you reach your goal. Those skills and characteristics will work well – no matter what your passion is.
First I have to say that I, like many of you, probably do not like the use of the words BULLY or VICTIM. I prefer the terms – Aggressor and Target. There are a number of reasons, not the least of which is, that it is very easy for a child or even an adult to be labeled and have it stick for a very long time, and even learn to be that person.
The other part of the whole bullying discussion that always gets to me is that the word has been used so many times that it has lost some of its impact – in fact it is misused and applied to situations that should either be labeled ‘bad behavior’ or ‘assault’. I have seen both.
There are times when parents are over reacting due to the emotional connection with their child, which is understandable. There are others times that I have seen a parent or teacher believe that the situation should just be overlooked and the target just needs to “toughen up”.
The definition of bullying revolves around 3 basic rules:
The acts must be deliberate with the intention to hurt someone
Acts of aggression must be repeated targeting the same person over and over again
There is a imbalance of power between the parties involved
These are fairly common, well accepted rules that most school systems and the public have agreed upon as the definition for bullying. When the act or acts do not meet all 3 of these rules, it is likely that bullying may not be the correct word for the situation, even though the acts of aggression are still rather uncomfortable or even dangerous for those targeted.
This does not mean that aggression should be ignored when the acts do not meet the rules listed. Any behavior that is aggressive either in a physical, emotional or social manner needs to be addressed. Addressing those behaviors help us to create a culture in the society that says, “this kind of behavior will not be tolerated by the social group.”
How we address the ‘culture we are trying to build’, either in a proactive or reactive manner, says a lot about the our own beliefs of what is important to us as parents and teachers. One of my goals is to help our community become aware of and build a culture of kindness, peace and compassion in our families, schools and communities.
On September 27 at 10 AM I will be addressing the issue of bullying in a class titled, The Truth About Bullying. This one hour class for parents will discuss the definition and effects of bullying on children, and why children wait so long to tell authorities including their parents along with the six skills every child needs in our efforts to build a culture of kindness in our schools and community. These skills are meant to help a child from becoming the target of bullying and to help those inclined to be aggressive.
This link below will give further details on this class as well as the follow up classes aimed at helping every parent.
Of all of our discussion about compassion the last week of discussions were the most telling for me. We talked about compassion for ourselves. More directly we talked about how negative self talk damages us, prevents us from moving forward and how it lasts a lifetime.
In a survey done of thousands of women only 4% thought they looked good or beautiful. Why? Most had something that they did not like about themselves. Their nose, ears, hips, weight, height, eyes, hair and on and on. Really? Is this just limited to women? I don’t think so.
While men may not have the courage to speak the words, their actions show that they have negative thoughts about themselves also. Why do you think we have all of those commercials in the media asking men about their strength, drive, energy? Why is it that young men and athletes are willing to risk long term harm of themselves to be stronger or heal faster with steroids. Is it not due to a lack of compassion for themselves – a fear of what others might think of them? A fear of being perceived as weak or of being replaced by someone else? They most likely have heard the criticism from others or at the very least witnessed another male being criticized for not “manning up”.
These fears of not being enough come from the messages all of us have been hearing since we were very young from parents, teachers, friends and soon from ourselves. Here is what we need to do – replace those negative messages with positive ones. Not false flattery – but rather praise for effort, for learning something new, for perseverance.
As a parent or teacher, before we speak words of criticism to our child or any child ask yourself – Is this something I would like to be said to me? Before you say those critical words to yourself, ask yourself – Would I say this to a 5 year old? All of that criticism we took in as a 5 year old and beyond, is haunting us as adults today. Replace it with positive affirmations and statements to each other and ourselves.
On Tuesday September 9 at 5 PM, Balanced Life Skills has a special guest coming to speak to our students about work being done in Haiti. In the province that he lives in there is an organization partially sponsored by the Rotary Club of South Anne Arundel County called T3 that has been working on cooking needs, computer training and building a trade school for the students in that community.
