Joe Van Deuren |

September 27, 2014

The science behind why anyone brags

When one person puts another person down by pointing out a weakness or making them feel “less than”, the confidence level of the recipient takes a hit. When a person looks in the mirror and puts themselves down by focusing on what they have come to believe to be a weakness, their confidence is lowered – not improved on.

In trying to make up for not feeling confident some resort to pretending to be something that they are not – bragging or boasting – to make themselves feel “better than” or in an attempt to make the other person feel “less than”. We see that kind of behavior in kids with one upping another child. I scored 10,000 points on such & such game and the next kids say I scored 15 K and on and on. We see it with kids feeling superior due to where they go to school (private vs. public), where they went on vacation, what they did this weekend, and the list goes on and on.

When it comes to adults and parents especially, we live in a culture in which most parents strive to raise ‘star’ children and convince everyone around them that they are stars. They do this by gushing about a child’s accomplishments, how smart they are, how athletic, how beautiful they are. Why do people – kids and adults carry on with bragging? That answer in a moment.

How else does bragging show itself? It might be shown on the purchasing of material things just to impress others (whether they can be afforded or not). Keeping up appearances by this kind of activity is no different than speaking the words that are exaggerated to impress others. Still others may take actions to get the attention of others – to impress them with how brave or awesome they are – simply to prove the “better than” superiority.

So whether it is talking to no end about their non existent achievements, spending money to prove how well off they are, or pointing out the weaknesses of others – all of this is bragging and results in lowering the confidence of those that are targeted. Oh yes the question WHY?

In 2012 a Harvard study found that sharing information about ourselves triggered the same sensations in the brain synonymous with eating food. So talking about ourselves is rewarding. In fact, it was found that 40% of what we talk about is our own thoughts and feelings. So now that we are aware of what and why – the real question for us to consider is, How can we make ourselves feel confident without making someone else feel worse? How can we make others feel more confident and spread those confident feelings around?

Thoughts on this question this week.

Tamir, Diana I., Mitchell, Jason P. “Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding.” Cambridge: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. 2012. Web: wjh.harvard.edu/~dtamir/Tamir-PNAS-2012.pdf

September 26, 2014

Time management for students

September 25, 2014

External or internal negative talk erodes confidence

What is it that can make us feel not so confident? According to our students it can be many things including name calling. Think about if you are called ‘shorty’ you become aware of being shorter than others and it may begin to bother you. Someone makes fun of your nose saying it is so big – and that begins to bother you. The list goes on and on. Name calling – tall, short, skinny, fat, big ears, glasses, hearing aids….any one can find anything to make fun of. It is that kind of external conversation that can deflate the confidence of an individual.

When students are asked if they would ever call their friend a name or would they point out something physical about them? The answer is always “Of course not, that would be mean, not a good friend and so on”.

How many of us though will look in the mirror and find something about ourselves that we do not like? It may be something physical, as in what we look like, or it may be something about our personality. We look in the mirror and discredit ourselves or our ability to accomplish a goal or an activity. It is easy then to give up and stop liking ourselves, because we are doing to ourselves the very thing that we said we would never do to a friend. Our confidence will take a nose dive and we are doing this to ourselves.

The next time you catch yourself being negative, putting yourself down or telling yourself that you can’t or don’t know how to do something – ask yourself, Given this situation with a friend, would I talk to them that way or would I encourage them to keep moving forward, to appreciate who they are or stop making fun of your physical attributes. Find that answer and then practice that same kind of positive & upbuilding talk to yourself so that your confidence can grow or remain at a high level.

September 24, 2014

The feeling of anger is not the same as the expression of anger

The feeling of anger is not the same as the expression of anger. Everyone of us is going to feel angry from time to time. When those feelings are more often than not, or when the feeling result in a behavior that harms ourselves, property or others – is when we must realize that learning to manage this feeling, understanding it and dealing with it is very important to our own peace and that of those around us.

Can you identify where you feel anger? What do your different body parts feel like when you are angry? Do you feel it in your eyes, mouth, hand or arms, feet or legs? Does your voice change, or does the way you posture yourself change? Maybe you feel it in your stomach, chest, head or does it feel like your blood is boiling?

Being aware of the bodily changes that occur when we get angry can be helpful in the process of leading to better control and management. Recognizing the rise of these feelings may help us to make a choice about our expression of the feelings that we are having. The feeling of anger is just that a feeling – and there is nothing wrong with us having feelings, they belong to us. However, the behavior or expression of those feelings can be very harmful.

Our expression may be explosive or it may be simmering. Can you identify the patterns that have developed in yourself or your children when they are having the feelings of anger? One way of understanding our own expression is to ask those close to us what they see in us when we are angry? How do others tell us how we look or sound when we are angry?
Understanding our feelings, where they are coming from, why or what we are fearful of, are all beginning steps in anger management. Remember, the feelings of anger is not the same as the expression of anger. Feeling are our own – expression is a choice we are making.

Joe Van Deuren is an anger educator and is available to work with both children and adults in finding ways to manage anger. Finding and creating peace in our lives and families is a key mission of his work. Contact can be made through Balanced Life Skills.

September 23, 2014

Six Skills every child needs to protect themselves

There are six skills that I believe are necessary for every child to learn in a progressive manner, depending on their age that will both protect them from bullying and from being a bully. In that all of us have the capability to be both – these 6 skills will be a protection to ourselves if we are targeted or if we have become aggressive. Adult or child, it is likely that having a coach to work on these skills will be helpful.

What are the six skills?

Empathy
Assertiveness
Identifying social cues
How to be a friend
Self defense
Online safety skills

These six skills – and they are skills because they can be taught and we are not be able to turn it on / off at will – take time to develop and are best learned by seeing them modeled by our coach. Parents – You are the Coach.

None of these skills are going to be learned by a single sit down conversation where we tell our children what is expected from them or what they have to do. All of the skills take time, and I suggest our 3 minutes a day concept. Here is an example, using the very first skill listed, Empathy.

Empathy cannot be taught in passing. Parent’s are concerned about a child when they have hurt the feelings of another person. It is easy to say, “think about their feelings”, but for a child they are most likely thinking about their own feelings, so these words mean very little to them.

Empathy comes from the inside of a person – not from the words of others from the outside. So we must begin by giving our child the words they need to describe their own feelings. Those ‘emotion’ words must be taught and then used by parents and child in describing how they are feeling. Doing this when our children are young and continuing will give them the start to a vocabulary to describe their feeling. Then those feeling words can be applied to what we see is happening to others. As they get older we can do more reflection with them.
In our class, “The Truth About Bullying” we will discuss each of the six skills and how to teach them to our children in more detail. You will be really surprised at our definition and practice of Self Defense. Come to our class on Saturday, September 27 at 10 AM or schedule Joe Van Deuren to present this information to your own parent group.

September 22, 2014

5 Reminders in dealing with diminishing confidence in children

A child’s confidence can be diminished very quickly when they become the target of mean behavior or words. One of the worst things that can happen to a child is being made feel “less than” by others. This is many times the results of others talking about them, making sly comments, or being made to feel unwelcome or not a part of the group.

As this kind of behavior can be directed to anyone, especially a young person, we want to encourage them to be sure to speak up to adults and ask for the help that they need. Along with that, choosing friends that are not taking part in that kind of behavior is a good idea too. Many times though, this is not enough.

As an adult, if a child comes to us with these kinds of situations, we can be confused about what the right thing to do might be. There is no one answer to that question, as every situation and child needs to be worked with individually. However, there are a few things for us to remember and not all of them are easy. Control of ourselves and our emotions is key to do what is best for our children.

First, we must remember this is our child’s situation and our place is to protect them, but not take the problem over as if it is ours.
Second, what the target of this kind of behavior needs more than anything from us is to know that we understand their feelings. So before you start getting all the details, be sure that you give your child as much time as they need to express themselves. (this is the hard part, because parents will want to jump right in and fix it)
Third, find out what your child would like to see happen and what they want to do or what they think might help the situation.
Fourth, help them weigh out their options, choose one and then practice it with them.
Fifth, follow up with how they are feeling, how it is working and what they want to do next.

Nobody has the right to make anyone feel less than or unworthy. We have to understand though that bullying behavior is going to take place until we are able to create a culture of kindness and peace in our families, schools, and communities. Having a ‘zero tolerance’ policy does not work in any community situation. Changing culture of the community, where those in the community stand up and say – in our class, in our school, in our community – we do not treat each other in that manner, is what does work to eliminate confidence reducing behavior. Are the teachers in your school making this the norm for the classroom? The confidence level of your son or daughter may be at stake.

Anyone in our community that is dealing with a situation like this may consider working with a bully prevention expert like Joe Van Deuren at Balanced Life Skills.