Joe Van Deuren |

November 4, 2014

How to help a child with aggressive behavior

Whether our child has been identified as a bully or we are simply worried that their behavior is aggressive and we would like them to find other ways of expressing themselves we should be aware that there may be a number of reasons for aggressive behavior to start happening when we have not seen it before.

Are they looking for social status or power in their group
A natural temperament that needs some adult regulation
Are they going along with others or copying what others are doing
Are they being bullied by others and trying to be pro-active to stop the attacks

Once we have determined how they are feeling, we can help them come up with other strategies that do not include either physical, social or verbal bullying. How else can they show leadership or social status? Can we give them our own experience or get the schools counselor to help with the process?
Our commitment as parents to helping them find healthy ways to resolve conflict and to stop bullying others will be a boost to their own confidence. Share the plan with teachers and administrators so everyone in the students life can be a part of implementing the plan you and your child have come up with.

November 3, 2014

Helping children learn about responsibility

When we talk about responsibilities we are generally talking about the job we have, the things that are required of us to do to make our lives or that of others better. Just as important as it is to get the job done, doing so with a good attitude is important also.

How do we feel or express ourselves about our responsibilities? Do we grumble about them, mope about or become upset when it is time to perform our work? This question is important for both parents and children to consider. We want to invite our children to start young taking on what they are able to do. However most times it takes them longer, they may not do the ‘perfect’ job and it is easier and faster for us to do it ourselves as parents.

How do we teach our children to be responsible members of the family and not do so begrudgingly?

When it is time to do our chores about the house, smile, invite our children to be part of the team – taking on some of the responsibility. Starting them at a young age will make them feel valued and a part of the team, and they are learning to take on some of the chores. Let them know that you rely on them to do this part of the work, hold them accountable for the finished product and depend on them to do their part even as they grow older.

Responsibility is really about us using our ability to respond to what is required or needed and expected from us. As parents we not only set the example, but we also need to set expectations and let our children know what is required, needed and expected. Then – do not do it for them. In the end they will be amazing members of any community they are a part of, because they understand that responsible people do their part – even when they are not asked to do so.

November 1, 2014

Life Skills: Responsibility – The Definition

Each month we will discuss a life skill with all of our students. This month the word is Responsibility. This word will be defined in the following ways for our students.

Young students: Responsibility means: “I’m the one that gets the job done!”

Older students: Responsibility means: Doing what is required, needed or expected of us.

Each age group has a worksheet that parents can use to continue the discussion at home with their children, and one for adults to allow them to think more deeply about the skill and how it applies to them. Would you like to receive the worksheet? Stop by our studio at 133 Gibralter Avenue in Annapolis, MD and tell us the age of your child. We will give you a worksheet and invite you to watch Mr. Joe discuss the word with the students in class. You can also follow our discussions here on this website.

If you would like to become a member of Balanced Life Skills, come TRY CLASSES FOR FREE. We are not your typical after school activity, in fact we are an education center, working with our students on physical skills along with empowering families with compassion, awareness and respect – creating a culture of peace – through the arts. We believe in every child and build their self – confidence. Balanced Life Skills takes part in community service and encourages each student to do the same.

October 31, 2014

Respect for role models to role modeling

It is funny how we went from talking about respect for ourselves to respect for others and property to who we respect and being a role model. All of us not only have people we admire, but we are looked up to and admired by others. Even if we are a child in the family, the younger children look up to the older ones – and they many time pattern themselves after them. At the very least they want to do everything that the older one does.

In school the younger students look at the older ones and determine for themselves how they should be acting. In sports or in martial arts classes, those with less experience look up to those with more to determine how much effort it takes to get to a higher level. Every parent is the ultimate role model for their children, and I reminded the kids and parents this week that children will all grow up and have many of the same habits and ways that their parents have. Of course there was a groan from many of the kids – even after they had said that their parents were their role model. But it is true. How many of us adults find ourselves sounding just like our parents in some way?

The reminder I gave to the kids this week:

When choosing a role model or someone you admire, be careful not to follow blindly. While they may have some areas of their life that are admirable, there may be other parts that are not. Always check in with yourself and see if the example they are setting fit with your morals, values and ethics.
Knowing that you are a role model – even without knowing for whom – every decision, every behavior, every choice, we should be asking ourselves, ‘is this the way we would want others to behave’. Is this choice one I would recommend to a person I was mentoring.

These thoughts may even cross the mind of every parent and adult. This is what makes parenting so difficult and such a heavy responsibility. Both your own children and other children are watching you, me and others. Are we making choices and behaving in a manner that we would like to see our children behave now or when they are parents?

October 29, 2014

Keep your goals in mind – reduce stress

Reduce stress – reduce feelings of stress that result in anger. Here is another tip in reducing stress. Know what your mission is – what your goal is – where you are wanting to go and why. If someone is having an argument with a friend and your goal is to be able to stay friends, you may want to find a way to make peace with them. You may find a way to compromise, even changing the things that you do that might be annoying to the other person. This may require looking at the situation from the other persons point of view.

It is very easy for all of us to get so tied up with “life” or “day to day” activities that we forget the beg picture. The big picture view though will help us to cope with what is seeming to be stressful. While all of us have different kind of goals – it is important that we do the following:

Decide what our goals are for any given situation or acquaintance.
Don’t get locked into any one path. Look at situations with the “what if I tried this” attitude.
Be open-minded to possibilities to unlock solutions you have not thought of before.

Knowing what you want and deciding how you can reach them, you may find yourself ignoring distractions more and feeling less stressed. A psychologist once said, “When you are waist deep in alligators, it is hard to recall your original reason for wanting to drain the swamp.” When you know your end goal – you may learn to expect to see “alligators” and with the expectation will come less stress.

October 28, 2014

Create healthy anti-bullying habits early

Helping your child be “bully – proof” goes in two directions. Of course we do not want our child to be the target of bullying nor do we want them to be the one who is aggressive toward others. Our own habits as parents have an impact on our children as to whether they will become aggressive or if they will shrink back and become a target. Consider the following;

Imagine seeing one child chiding another with saying, “na-na-na-na-”, teasing or just being mean. I can imagine that they learned to do that from other children, or even their parents teasing them – pushing them beyond good natured teasing into a taunt. Being aware of how far we go as a parent or seeing this happen and not letting it go is a good start – asking ourselves or them to focus on how such actions might feel to the child on the receiving end of such teasing. Now they may become obstinate about how the child might feel, but our job is to help them to learn that this does not feel good when it continues for too long of a time.

Just as important as it is to stop negative behavior, it is even more important to encourage positive behavior. Teaching them to be kind, to show empathy and be fair are all critical skills for good relationships with others. Teaching empathy may begin by observing others and asking them how do they think the person feels. They will learn to read the emotions of others by the facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and other signs. Using real people and television characters are all ways of teaching without it being about them – or personal to them. You may always refer back to the third party person later when you are talking about a behavior you would like to change in them.

On the other side of the issue is teaching our children to be assertive – learning to use their voice – saying “no” firmly. I call it using their “bad dog” voice when asking someone to stop doing something that is hurtful, physically or verbally. Role playing and letting them practice using their voice is key to their ability to do so. It does not come natural and many children have grown so used to being asked to be quiet – that when asked to be assertive it is very hard for them to do so.
Creating these habits in children should begin at an early age – kindergarten at the least, if they are to avoid being the victim of or become the aggressor. Giving them these skills, will grow their confidence and feeling good about themselves as they face different situations as they are growing older.