When a child is learning to walk, we cheer their every attempt. Finally after many “failures” they gain a single step and then all of us cheer wildly. One day in a Tiger Tot class one of the siblings just about a year old took his first step. All the moms were cheering right in class. The young child takes all this in and keeps trying until finally walking is no big deal.
But sometimes as parents when the child is older we try to lessen the suffering of not reaching a goal or success. We might do it by taking the blame on our selves or by punishing the child hoping that he will learn not to make that mistake again. In the end when we make to big a deal about failures or mistakes, we are not helping them keep from making the same mistake again.
In fact what we may be doing is ensuring that the child may not want to risk again. They feel the need to cower and hide from opportunities that could, possibly, maybe, end up in a mistake. They may be afraid to explore their own dialogue. In fact they may end up being driven by external forces in making decisions about what is right for them to do. Once any of us look at the external forces for making a decision choosing what we are willing to risk, our confidence suffers.
We are now open to being swayed by whatever the latest fashion or trend is and not taking the time to ask ourselves, “What is the right thing to do,” “for me” not anyone else just me. As parents our responsibility is to let the child know how remarkable it was that they made the attempt and point out the good that came from it, including the the things they did well within their failed attempt.
We must be careful not to dwell on the mistake, but to celebrate the successes and move forward. Allow ourselves or our children to work out how to overcome the adversity.
How to gain confidence from failure
We must try to remember that failure and the suffering that follows can be a wonderful gift to our children. We have to believe and have faith that they can handle it without falling apart. The bottom line is that we need to have confidence in our children and their capabilities of greatness maybe even in areas that surprise us.
Children are born with self-confidence. They will maintain this confidence as long as we as parents and teachers do not bring up their failures and mistakes. We would never have thought to have said to our one year old, “You failed at walking again!” It is not fair to the child to not allow them the room to have internal dialogue and to explore what really happened and how they can do better next time.
What does this have to do with martial arts? In our martial arts training not everything is going to come easy. We are not going to be perfect the first time we try something. In fact we may fail many times before we get it right. So many times when we are teaching jumping rope, a child will struggle for a very long time and then all of a sudden it comes together for them. I love it when I ask them, “How did you do it?” and they just blurt out “I Practiced”. Practice has a way of building confidence. Not just the repetition over and over, but rather the careful study in practice of what is working and what is not and then making the adjustments.
If we allow our children the opportunity to practice this way the lessons they will learn will be life long ones.
When we are not confident
Last night in our classes I talked to the students about how we talk to ourselves when we are not feeling confident. So many times when we are not feeling confident is when we are going into a new situation of something we do not know what to expect, trying something new, maybe a test or a challenge at work that seems insurmountable.
The way we talk to ourselves at that time will have an impact on how we react to those situations. If we talk in a negative way, “you can’t do this”, “this is not going to work out”, “you know they are going to reject you”, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We get what we see is going to happen so often.
I called this the “grumpy voice” that is inside our head. Do you have one of them? Most of us do! If we had an acquaintance who had doubts about a situation, we would never talk to them like that though, would we? So why would we talk to ourselves like that? Lets find a better way of talking to ourselves and get rid of that “grumpy voice”.
I do not believe in just positive messages to ourselves. If we say “there are no weeds”, “there are no weeds”, “there are no weeds”, and there are weeds, it really is of no help. The real questions are different than that. Next time the real questions. For now though think about the messages you say to yourself. Would you say them to a friend, and if not, then don’t say them to yourself.
Continuing to learn
This morning I sit in a hotel room anxiously awaiting the start of this day. Today is the first day of a 4 day workshop / seminar with Anthony Robbins. When I first signed up for this I was happy that I had but not nearly as excited by the idea as I am now. Here is the reason.
In the month of February I took an 8 hour workshop on time management with the Franklin Quest facilitator. I thought going in I knew about time management – I thought I knew the Steven Covey message. Coming out of it though I realized that I did not know as much as I thought I did. in fact since that time I have become more productive. Not in the sense of how much I am getting done. No rather in the sense of how many important things I am getting done.
It has allowed me to have accomplishments and not feel stressed doing it. Now here I am at the threshold of a new workshop. I come into this one too, thinking I know a little about Tony Robbins message. Will I come away with a whole new picture? Will I be as renewed and reinvigorated as a white belt seeing this stuff for the first time?
I am approaching it as a white belt, with an empty cup, ready to be taught and ready to accept and practice what I learn. If any of you have ever thought about attending a seminar that you thought may impact you, I would encourage you to do so. The money spent doing it will no doubt be well worth it. It is also a great example to your students – that you are still working on yourself too. I will tell you about my experience as the days go by.
Training in Alabama for Mr. Joe
This is an update on my trip to Alabama later this month. We have now been told what we will be doing this time in Alabama.
Project 1. The big project this year is the renovation of the Rosenwald school. I have linked to a site where there is more information about the historical significance of the school.
Project 2. The team will be building a home or an addition for a man who is blind.
Project 3. We will be working on creating a garden project for some in the community.
Project 4. There are 5 youth that 5 members fo the UBBT will establish a mentoring relationship with. They will work along side of the UBBT members, but will also take part in other activities to help build a relationship that can be maintained after we leave the town.
The community is hosting several dinners for the team and one of them is at the City Park where all of the town has been invited to come see a demonstration performed by the UBBT members. In addition during the week some members will be visiting local schools and making presentations.
In addition to this all of us will be doing some training in Diabetes education with Andy Mandell. More on him later, and we will also be training more in Anger Management Education.
When we have time for all of this. The last time I was there we were up and started our day at 5 AM and did not stop till very late in the evening, around 11 or so. This is a zero waste event for us also. All of us are required to bring mess kits, towels and water bottles, as there will be no plastic bottles, paper plates or towels or anything that needs to be thrown away – as much as possible. (toilet paper allowed)
When I return I will be happy to tell you about the event and the things learned there. This is a training program for those who are or who aspire to be, master teachers. What I learn there, I must bring back to our own community, to make the same kind of difference here that the 100 martial arts masters have made in Greensboro, Alabama.
If you would like to support the work in that town with a small donation, it would be happily accepted. My instructor has made it clear to us that only small donations by many individuals should be accepted. I hope that all of us together here at Balanced Life Skills and our AA County community will benefit from the experience I have at the end of this month.
Rain Barrel Event is coming up!
This years Where Does the Rain Go? event is off to a fast start. We are inviting more schools and artists to be involved. To lessen the load on some of our parents who have the past two years spent an extraordinary amount of time on the preparation, we are requesting that some of our students and their parents take part in the preparations.
I am looking for parents / students from each age level to take one rain barrel and do the prep work. You can see the preparation steps on the Rain Barrel web site. This year we will be doing the actual painting and decorating on April 4 at 10 AM at our Balanced Life Skills studio.
This year, we are working on getting the barrels in the public eye by asking local businesses to display the finished product with information about the auction during earth week. We are also hoping to display some of them at Quiet Waters during their Earth Day festivities. Then the actual auction will take place on May 15th at 6:00 PM at Arlington Echo Outdoor Education Center and all the proceeds will be split between the participating schools and Arlington Echo.
If you want to see the completed video it is on the website also and is available to schools for free on DVD, along with a complete package of worksheets, crossword puzzles, word searches and other resources for the teachers and schools.