Joe Van Deuren | - Part 153

September 20, 2009

BLS families take part in the suicide prevention walk

Early on Saturday morning we met on Rowe Blvd. Balanced Life Skills had been invited to have a table at the event as it was felt that the type of program that we teach would have a positive impact on the life of those who are a part of our program. What a privilege!

I was personally moved as I met so many who had lost loved ones to this tragedy. So many shared with me their own stories, and as I heard them I am even more convinced that we must take steps to be sure that we learn to recognize the warning signs, what increases the risks, and how we can help.

In addition what can we do to help our children to know how to deal with the stresses that they feel. When they feel the stress what should they do and they need to feel the confidence to be able to speak to others about their feelings.

Our Balanced Life Skills team so far has raised over $800 for the awareness campaign. In addition I personally have made a commitment to create some teaching tools for our young students. I will be enlisting the help of professionals in the community. I am looking for assistance from anyone in our BLS community who would like to help with this project. In the meantime enjoy a couple of pictures of the event and some of those who joined on our walk.

September 14, 2009

Courage: standing for what it is right

One of the hardest times to demonstrate courage is when we need to stand up for what is right or to do the right things when others are choosing to act in a manner that is not fair or not safe. No matter our age we are all subjected to peer pressure. Both adults and kids get in situations when there are injustices taking place, either by word or action, and we are confronted with the question if we are going to speak up to friends or leaders in our community.

This is very hard. Ralph W. Sockman once said; “The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.” It takes courage to speak up, but that is what leaders do. Leaders lead the way and do what’s right even when it is hard to do. They do what is right because it is the right thing to do, and not based on what others will think or do.

How we develop the ability to do this is by making decisions based on internal values and not external values or influences. It is not that we do not care what others think, we must have empathy for the feelings of others, but we have core values and a conscious that helps direct us into doing the right thing no matter the opinion or influences of others. I have not spent anytime on the subject of teaching our children how to think for themselves, but I will put that on my list of things to write about, but in very simple terms as parents we must first and most importantly demonstrate that for our children. If they see that we are influenced by what our peers have, say and do – they will act and react in the same manner, even in things that we thought that we taught them better in.

How do we know though if an issue is to big for us to handle by ourselves? If we are a child and we see something taking place that we know is not correct, good, safe, and fair to someone else and we do not know what to say or do – it is time to ask for the assistance of an adult. If we are an adult and we do not know how to handle a situation or if it bigger than we are prepared for, it is OK to ask for help and advice. That is what leaders do. Great leaders always know when to ask for help.

Asking for help if we are not able to right a wrong is so much better than seeing an injustice and ignoring it, choosing not to be involved. Being involved is what citizenship in our community is all about.

September 13, 2009

Parenting a leader – not a bully

Of course we want to believe that our child would never be the ‘bully’. But what if your child really is a bully? I believe that if we were to be honest when we examine ourselves, that each of us could find times in our lives that we have been the bully. The reasons that we, or anyone uses their power over another person to get their way (bullying), can be varied.

Bullying may begin because we feel powerless in another situation or that we do not have any choices. Or it may be that we are angry about something and we are taking it out on someone else. Or it may be that we even may have a certain amount of jealousy or contempt.

The author of the book “ The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander” believes that it is about contempt and suggests 5 ways that we can prevent our own child from being a bully. I have listed them in bold and then commented on them from my own experience.

Watch your own behavior. It is very easy for us to send a message to our child without even realizing the message they are receiving or how they may interpret how they can use the message. The way we treat others, joke about them or comment on them can say to our child that it is ok to have ‘fun’ at another’s expence. The use of racist’s jokes or poking fun at the looks of another person may give our child permission to do the same to people that they meet.

Nurture empathy and sympathy. Even as adults we can be unaware of the affect our behavior or comments are having on another person. As we carefully monitor our own behavior we can also point out when our child does a kind deed, the emotion that they feel as well as the emotion that the other person feels. The more we can demonstrate the consequences – good and bad – of our behavior and words on others, the more we are nurturing empathy. On the other hand, voicing or getting pleasure from another persons feeling bad or distressed does not nurture empathy and may give permission to our child that it is OK to make someone else feel uncomfortable.

Monitor TV, video games and music. I do not believe that games, music and other forms of entertainment cause mean behavior, but they can jade us to that sort of behavior and make it difficult for a young person to determine what is right and wrong. From my personal experience I know that over the years as I studied the subject of peace and reduced the amount of movies and television shows that I watched that contained violence, I found that I was not able to tolerate it as much. While I do not suggest that we delete media from our kids lives – I do believe that we can be sure to have discussions with our children about what is right and wrong and help them to see the affects of those acts on others – even if they were in a form of entertainment.

Teach friendship skills. One of the number one ways I like to teach victims of bullies to overcome this is to make the bully your friend. Unfortunately many times bullies do not know how to be a friend. Teaching our children to be a friend can be done both by socializing them with their peers and demonstrating and point out to them our own behavior. In addition I would suggest that providing opportunities for them to serve others in their community and discussing and letting them see the affect on the recipients of their kindness can really drive home how to be a friend.

Engage them in energizing activities. Challenge your child in activities that require them to exert energy. I am not a believer in “if you are angry go home and take your frustration out on the pillow”, as I believe that this is only teaching us to react with violence on our pillow and one day it is possible that we could give our selves permission to do the same on someone else. But I do believe if we are not getting enough physical challenges that have to do something with that energy and it could come out in ways that are not appropriate.

The points that we have outlined above are good for all of us as parents whether our child or ourselves are bullies or not. All of us can use reminders on ourselves to be kind to others and be aware of the consequences of everything that we do and say in the course of our day.

For more information about bullying go to Mr. Joe’s site – Stop Bullies. Mr. Joe is available for Bully Prevention seminars for all age groups in your school or at his martial arts studio.

September 9, 2009

Courage: trying new things

Lets be honest with ourselves and I will put myself out there now and be honest in a public way. Most of us like being where we are comfortable. Now it is hard to hear but when we are talking about trying new things or doing things differently than we are used to, it can be difficult to get out of our ‘comfort zone’. It works just like our heat and air conditioner thermostat at home works. When we get to warm the a/c comes on, when we get to cold the heat comes on. We want to feel perfectly comfortable.

Unfortunately though, if we are to grow in the level of performance in our world, we cannot continue to adjust the internal thermostat so we can get back into our comfort zone. Now my personal honesty. I am not in my most comfortable place in a new place with a big crowd of people I do not know. I freeze up, I just know that I do not have anything to say that is of interest to anyone and I am just as happy to sit on the side and let others enjoy themselves. In the mean time though I want so badly to be a part of the lively conversations. Whew I am glad I got that out.

In fact that is one of the most important things that we can do. Say our fear out loud and recognize it for what it is. It is simply a belief that we have developed for ourselves that we recreate, and then confirm by doing the same thing over and over again. So how do we get out of comfort zone and make the changes we want to make so badly?

We must change our behavior. We must allow ourselves to practice what we fear the most. Put on your best positive attitude, change your physiology, bring your energy level and enthusiasm up and and make the conscious decision to not allow past beliefs and fears to determine who you are or want to be. Our fear of rejection, failure or losing face is keeping us from being who we really want to be.

There are very few things left in the world that have not already been done or accomplished. Find someone who has done what you want to do and ask them how they did it and then do what they did and I am sure that you will have similar results – if you keep at it. Change the way you talk to yourself. The negative things that we say to ourselves, we would never say to a friend. Treat yourself like you would treat your friends.

Both children and adults can use their courage to try new things and meet new people or any other thing that is on the list of, this is out of my comfort zone. As parents we have the challenge and the responsibility to help our kids to take risks even when it is scary. Role playing and creating safe situations for them to practice courage are good ways to let them see that they can recreate the images in their head and move forward. As parents though lets set the example for them and be sure to talk to them about when we are not comfortable and how we are using courage to create a better life for ourselves.

September 2, 2009

Courage: getting beyond fear

Elanor Roosevelt, one of my favorite people of all time, once said; “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”

There are 3 things according to Jack Canfield, author of Success Principles, that stop us from doing what we know we should do or even want to do. They are; considerations, fears and roadblocks. I am not going to talk about the considerations or roadblocks right now, but I do know that fear is something that all of us feel probably everyday even if we do not identify it as fear. While fear is a good thing in many circumstances, when we allow it to get in the way of achieving our goals, it no longer is serving us in a positive manner.

Much of what we fear is made up in our imagination and we hold onto to that belief, image we have in our mind, or the experience we have had far beyond that it may have been true. Then when we try to achieve a goal that we really want, guess what happens? The picture comes back in our mind and we retreat to our comfort zone – no matter how much we want to step out and reach our goal.

This happens to kids and adults. Funny thing though as adults we have ways of hiding behind our fears. Many times that is called, procrastination. That is another subject all together. What kind of attitude do we need if we are going to get beyond our fears? We need to have a positive attitude with energy and enthusiasm. We need to break out of the prison that we are held in, one that has been largely created by ourselves of what we can’t do and all the reasons that is true, and focus on the the way we want to be. As we create the image of our success in our mind and feel it in our body, this can become our new reality.

Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.” This month we will continue to examine courage and how we can develop this characteristic as we face our fears and challenges with determination.