Manners: the way we say words

Have you ever noticed that the word please and thank,  sometimes come out of mouths almost like “well I have to say it” sort of attitude.  In fact in our efforts to teach ‘manners’ to our children they may say it just to please us parents, without the spirit of the words behind them.  On the other side of that, children may begin to believe that the word “please” is indeed a ‘magic’ word that will work for anything that they want.  (As parents sometimes we tell them that)

No wonder they soon start using it as a magic word.  It goes something like this.  We are in a store and they see a toy that they really want and they ask for it.  “Mom will you buy this toy for me?”  and just as quickly out of our mouths comes the words ” No, not today.”  Suddenly they remember that you told them “What’s the magic word?”  one time and so they try it.  “Please can you buy it for me? Please, Please, Please, Please….” until we cannot deal with it any more and we as parents do one of two things.  We either get angry and snap at them or we give in and buy it for them.

I told a group of students the other day, that this was disrepectful of their parents and that “”Please” does not trump the word NO”.  When a child begins to believe that the word please is a magic word instead of being a word that we use to show respect for the other person they may begin demanding with it.  Yes the way we say something, or the way we use our words, is just as important as what we say. What a child is saying to a parent in effect is – I don’t believe that your word NO is what you really mean and if I say magic words enough or strong enough, you will give in and I will get what I want. 

As we teach our children about manners it is really the ultimate form of empathy, a characteristic we have talked about before.  The use of the words please, thank you, your welcome, are all ways of being considerate, respectful and kind to each other. 

Manners: saying please & thank you

This month we will be talking about manners.  Now while that seems like a subject that every parent deals with, trying to raise children who are considerate and respectful of others, well even the children understand that we do not see manners being displayed as much as they should be.  Did you notice that I did not say “as they used to be”, though that could be said too, but we are dealing with the NOW, not the THEN.

Fred Astaire is quoted as saying, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”  As leaders, parents, teachers manners are important.  We often show others how we should act toward each other.

The first thing we teach our youngsters in regard to manners universally is, “don’t forget to say please and thank you.”  When we use these words it is just like tacking on the words “with respect” to every sentence.  How much nicer it sounds and more willing we are to comply when we are asked to do something with a “please” attached as opposed to demanding it to be done. 

In fact the way we say something makes a difference in the way it is heard and the response you will get, no matter the age of the receiver.  If we demand – “Give me a piece of candy” –  versus  – “May I please have a piece of candy?” makes the giver feel less respected and valued.  It is in fact a demeaning manner of speaking.  When we use manners though it shows kindness in everything we say and do!

Anger management: speaking calmly

When it comes to solving the situation that faces us, we know that using our words in effective ways is key to calming down any of our responses.  We have learned from others that expressing our feelings and why we feel that way to the other person is the first step.  We will want to use “I” messages, no matter what age they are.  None of us want to hear someone blame us for something or tell us don’t do this or that.  It does not matter if we are a youngster or an adult.  What touches us is when we know how our action affected the feelings of another person. Recognizing those feelings is practicing empathy.

So if I am a child I may say, ” I feel angry when you kick my blocks down”, and if we are talking to our parents we want to say, “I feel frustrated (angry, disappointed or whatever the feeling is) when I do not get to have a play date.”  Then the conversation begins with more control and less emotions of the moment. 

When parents set the example by doing the same in return to their children, it models to the child anger management.  None of us want to or set out to hurt each other. Learning to calm ourselves down before we make a choice that we regret later is one of the most important self defense we will ever practice.

Emapthy: expressing concern

Beyond listening and being sure that what we heard is what the other person meant by paraphrasing, the next step in empathy is to show concern.  Showing or expressing our concern is a very visible way of showing that we care about the other person and their feelings.

We can do this by expressing our concern with words and offering to take action if they would like us to do so.  We may say to a person who is sick – “I am sorry that you do not feel well. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”  Our children can learn about expressing concern by practicing this and role playing it with their parents.  

For instance we may ask them what could you say if one of your schoolmates was being bullied at school?  When I asked this at our school many of the kids wanted to fix the problem with some sort of solution.  “just ignore it”  “walk away” were common responses.  But for the other person to know that we care we may want to say, “ I am sorry those boys were picking on you.  Would you like to play with me? or Would you like to hang out with me and my friends.  Maybe they will leave you alone then?  Or Would you like to speak to a teacher about what happened.

As we go into this year lets all of us see if we can express empathy for others.  Doing so will contribute to the peace of ourselves, family, community and the world.

Empathy: Communicating feelings

One of the hardest things for all of us is communicating our feelings without blaming the other party for “making” us feel a certain way.  Yet this is one of the most important parts of empathy.  As someone trying to practice empathy we are not just going to let others walk all over us.  We should not give up our  own power and feelings just to make someone else feel good.  That is not a win – win.

 Finding a respectful way of expressing our feelings is key to maintaining this balance.  One way of achieving this is to use “I” messages.  Now we have all heard this before but putting this into practice whether as an adult or a child is difficult without taking our time to respond. 

One suggestion that is key to expressing ourselves respectfully is to take 3 breaths prior to speaking.  Consider quickly how the other person is feeling or what the situation is that created the feelings of the other person.  Once we have done that the message we deliver should be on the lines of  “I feel hurt when you speak to me in that manner.” 

Now having the correct feeling in our mind may be the hard part and we may need to take note of what we are really feeling and why.  So as we teach our children how to use “I feel statements’, we need to teach them feeling words.  This will give them the vocabulary to use and not just use one or two feelings for everything.  They should learn words like angry, frustrated, disappointed, happy, proud, left out, hurt, and how to use them. 

Finally as parents we want to model this when we are talking about other adults, situations at work and especially when we are disciplining our children.  These are teaching moments.  Remember, our children learn more about how to handle things from what we do that from what we tell them to do.

Discipline is about following rules

All of us have rules to follow.  Some of them are created by others like our parents, teachers, bosses, legislators and these could be refered to as external rules.  We follow these rules because for the most part they make things safe, fair or are just good manners in the society that we grow up in. 

A second kind of rule though is rules that we make ourselves follow.  These might be called internal or “self rules”.  There is no one there that makes us do them –  we choose to do so because, it is the right thing to do. 

For instance, there is no rule that says that you cannot be lazy.  However we have have that rule inside of us.  It may say to us that we should work hard at school, work, personal development, physical activity etc…  

That is discipline, to be able to follow the rules that we create for ourselves or follow the rules set by others and do so even when no one is looking.  Having this type of discipline shows that we have respect for ourselves and for others.  In fact the great thing about this is that this type of discipline and respect for ourselves will give us the opportunity to succeed. 

So here is an assignment to think about.  List some of the rules that are important to you to follow.  They may be self imposed or those from external sources.  Then rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 on your tendency to show discipline by following those rules – even when no one is looking.