parenting | - Part 5

February 7, 2011

Maintaining the trust of our children

We all know the importance of trust and integrity in our relationships. There is no place where that is more important than in the relationship that we have with our family members and especially our children. Warren Bennis said in his book that integrity “is the one quality that cannot be acquired but must be earned.”

It is as Stephen Covey talks about, like a bank account. We build it a little at a time by what we say and do. We can make withdrawals too, by not living up to our word or doing what we say we are going to do. Interestingly though, like in a construction project, it is easier to tear something down than it is to build it up. In regard to our children, they come into the world trusting us to the fullest. They depend on us for everything. So we want to do everything possible to maintain that trust and belief in our integrity.

How do we maintain and build that relationship? By saying what we mean and mean what you say – everyday. Our position of leader of the family is based on our ability to be consistent with our word. By not threatening an act you have no intention of following through on, by following through on every rule you have set and agreed to with your family, will allow you to grow the respect for each other in the family and set an example that others are willing to follow.

February 3, 2011

How to build the confidence in our children

If you are the leader of a team you probably already know that there are 3 things that have a positive affect on those you are leading. First if you give them attention, affirmation and appreciation. Doing those three things will result in your team responding in a positive manner.

The same is true with our children. They need our attention and not just when they have done something that is against our rules. They need for us to give them some undivided attention, showing them their value to us. Then they need affirmation. This step of affirming their worth and value, affirming what they are doing that meets the values of our family and catching them doing the right thing is so important to building their confidence. Finally they need to know they are appreciated. Appreciation is something that all of us like to feel from those that we love. This appreciation or gratitude for being who we are and for being a part of this family will also go a long way in building the esteem of our children.

So there we have it. If we want our children to respond positively to our love and discipline give them our attention, affirmation, and appreciation and they will do so.

February 2, 2011

Fairness: What it means to be fair or unfair

We have all heard it and all of us have said it and some time in our life. “The words almost always precede an argument or fight amongst siblings or even friends. They are, “THAT’S NOT FAIR.” When it is a young child saying those words it is usually about someone getting more than them or someone getting to do something that they cannot do. When it is an older child it could be about something very childish or it may be not being allowed to do something that they feel they have the right and need to do. Still further along on the age continuum as an adult we may feel that something is not fair when we see or feel an injustice being committed in the legal or political system. Or on a more personal level, an adult may feel the unfair treatment from an employer or even a friend.

Those words, that’s not fair, carry with them some very intense emotions. So what is it that makes something unfair? First as an adult we understand that the word fairness can mean different things in different situations. It may have to do with a group project that all must contribute equally for the best results. On the other hand we would not expect to provide equal amounts of help on a project to an experienced team member as we would an inexperienced one.

As a parent though, dealing with those words from younger children certainly does not carry with it the same emotions as being accused by a teen of not being fair. This month I hope to discuss this subject on a number of different levels including when we are being accused and when we can act as a mediator. The meaning we are working with is, treating others according to what’s needed, deserved, and appropriate.

January 26, 2011

Empowering children to reach their potential

Have you ever seen the parent that brags about their child and pushes them so hard to be the best at their school or group that you sometimes wonder if the parent is living out their fantasy through the child? Many times the child does what is expected of them but deep down inside is not really interested in this pursuit at the same level that the parent is pushing so hard for.

Being a great leader or parent is not about making yourself look good. It is about empowering your children to make good choices and to choose and follow their own dreams and goals. Yes we want our children to do well and yes we are very proud of them when they do have accomplishments. But those accomplishments are not ours as a parent – but rather should be the result of our willingness to believe in them and give them the opportunities to grow.

As a parent we should be setting the example in continued growth, goal setting and improving ourselves in our own interests. We should be willing to make the sacrifices required for our children to be their best at whatever their goals are, helping them to recognize the results and consequences that their choices mean. In business your willingness to empower others because you believe in them will make you larger. In your family empowering your teammates will bring you a great amount of joy and happiness as each member becomes their best in what they want to pursue.

January 14, 2011

Seeing the big picture

Leaders in an organization think about decisions based on the large picture and the impact that they will have on the people in the organization and if it fits within the mission of the company. As parents and especially if we have more than one child we need to look at our decisions and the effect they will have on the entire team.

I have seen some families that have made decisions that were great for one child in the family but disastrous for others. For instance if you have decided to send your children to a particular school. The atmosphere and method of instruction may be perfect for one and not so good for another. One sport may be a perfect fit for one and not so good for one of your other children. Making decisions that benefit the entire team is what leaders / parents do.

As a leader / parent we understand how our family is going to work the best for all members and for the good of the community. What can we do that will benefit our family as individuals? How does it fit into our community of friends, school, church or other organizations? How does it relate to each individual member of the our team / family? Some activities and individual preferences may need to be put on hold for the benefit of the bigger picture.

So here is the question we can ask: What positive improvements can you make today based on your understanding of your family missions and values? What impact will it have on other family members, community members and globally?

January 12, 2011

Parents are Leaders: Value Your Team

When individuals feel like they are making a difference at their workplace, or when they have an impact on a life when they are volunteering for a non-profit, it makes them feel valuable and gives meaning to the time they are spending on a project or for a company. In this series of posts on leadership and parenting we are making comparisons between the two.

As parents it is important to realize that our children need to feel like they too are making a contribution to the vision and goals of the family. As you are building this important team, our family, Continue reading “Parents are Leaders: Value Your Team”