This is a great video for youth or adults. It will make you stop and think about why you are here on this earth. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. It truly makes me smile. I must give credit to Tom Callos for sharing it with all of his students too. That was very kind. It is important that when we learn something of value, when we are trying to practice something that we share it with each other. Enjoy!
Teachers are one of our most valuable resources. We trust our children with them. We trust them to help produce the future leaders of our country. At Balanced Life Skills we honor them. Here are some of our students with their teachers.
The explosion we are all too familiar with. We have felt it, we have seen it and sometimes it is us who has exploded. This is the time when the voices are raised, the insults and name calling begin. It can escalate or even begin with physical violence too. Hitting, pushing, kicking, breaking things that belong or do not belong to the person exploding. It might be done in private or it may be publicly, sometimes on purpose, just to embarrass another person or parent. I might add here too that somtimes anger can be played out in ways that the perpertrator believes will hurt the other person. A student doesn’t do his homework to get back at a teacher, ignoring a parent, hiding the keys to make a parent late. In general at this stage the angry party may just want to be a pain and cause pain to another person.
As a parent we may have tried to see it coming during the build up and we may have tried to defuse the spark, but still the explosion happened and our job either as a parent or as the person the anger is directed at is to stay as calm as we can and contain the damage, keeping both our child and ourselves controlled so that no one gets hurt. If our temper rises and we lose control that may be exactly what the child is looking to get done, as they know then that they are in control of the situation. So what can we do?
I had planned to give solutions to the stages at a later writing, but I feel like we need to address this now to some degree. It is the same advice that we gave our students earlier.
Breathe slowly and deeply. Avoid shouting and stay focused. Do not engage in the debate. Remember who and what you represent.
Do not negotiate with threats. The child may just be looking for a way to manipulate you and control the family. Do not give in. We can be willing to discuss the matter, but do so only when both parties are calm enough to do so. There can be no real teaching when emotions are high.
Allow natural consequences play out. Lets say the shouting matches and the anger is arguments over homework. It may be best at some point just to allow the consequences of not doing homework play out with the teacher. Let them get the bad grade, and the teachers words with them, instead of trying to protect them from bad results. I remember my own kids who would wait till the last moment to tell me they had a project to do and that they needed materials for it, till the night before. After talking about this several times and the behavior not changing we simply told them that they had to tell us about their projects earlier so we could get materials when it was good for all of us. Of course it happened again and we stuck to our word and the project did not get done. The result was a bad grade. The bigger results were that never again did we get a late notice about projects.
There are additional ways of dealing with this stage and things to be careful of that we will discuss at another time. But I do feel it is important to mention at this time though that we must be careful not to allow the child or anyone to play us against another person of authority. So we want to be sure that both parents are on the same page and the child is not playing mom against dad. This is called an argument trap and we will discuss the other type of argument traps later.
Have you ever noticed that the word please and thank, sometimes come out of mouths almost like “well I have to say it” sort of attitude. In fact in our efforts to teach ‘manners’ to our children they may say it just to please us parents, without the spirit of the words behind them. On the other side of that, children may begin to believe that the word “please” is indeed a ‘magic’ word that will work for anything that they want. (As parents sometimes we tell them that)
No wonder they soon start using it as a magic word. It goes something like this. We are in a store and they see a toy that they really want and they ask for it. “Mom will you buy this toy for me?” and just as quickly out of our mouths comes the words ” No, not today.” Suddenly they remember that you told them “What’s the magic word?” one time and so they try it. “Please can you buy it for me? Please, Please, Please, Please….” until we cannot deal with it any more and we as parents do one of two things. We either get angry and snap at them or we give in and buy it for them.
I told a group of students the other day, that this was disrepectful of their parents and that “”Please” does not trump the word NO”. When a child begins to believe that the word please is a magic word instead of being a word that we use to show respect for the other person they may begin demanding with it. Yes the way we say something, or the way we use our words, is just as important as what we say. What a child is saying to a parent in effect is – I don’t believe that your word NO is what you really mean and if I say magic words enough or strong enough, you will give in and I will get what I want.
As we teach our children about manners it is really the ultimate form of empathy, a characteristic we have talked about before. The use of the words please, thank you, your welcome, are all ways of being considerate, respectful and kind to each other.
This month we will be talking about manners. Now while that seems like a subject that every parent deals with, trying to raise children who are considerate and respectful of others, well even the children understand that we do not see manners being displayed as much as they should be. Did you notice that I did not say “as they used to be”, though that could be said too, but we are dealing with the NOW, not the THEN.
Fred Astaire is quoted as saying, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” As leaders, parents, teachers manners are important. We often show others how we should act toward each other.
The first thing we teach our youngsters in regard to manners universally is, “don’t forget to say please and thank you.” When we use these words it is just like tacking on the words “with respect” to every sentence. How much nicer it sounds and more willing we are to comply when we are asked to do something with a “please” attached as opposed to demanding it to be done.
In fact the way we say something makes a difference in the way it is heard and the response you will get, no matter the age of the receiver. If we demand – “Give me a piece of candy” – versus – “May I please have a piece of candy?” makes the giver feel less respected and valued. It is in fact a demeaning manner of speaking. When we use manners though it shows kindness in everything we say and do!
When it comes to solving the situation that faces us, we know that using our words in effective ways is key to calming down any of our responses. We have learned from others that expressing our feelings and why we feel that way to the other person is the first step. We will want to use “I” messages, no matter what age they are. None of us want to hear someone blame us for something or tell us don’t do this or that. It does not matter if we are a youngster or an adult. What touches us is when we know how our action affected the feelings of another person. Recognizing those feelings is practicing empathy.
So if I am a child I may say, ” I feel angry when you kick my blocks down”, and if we are talking to our parents we want to say, “I feel frustrated (angry, disappointed or whatever the feeling is) when I do not get to have a play date.” Then the conversation begins with more control and less emotions of the moment.
When parents set the example by doing the same in return to their children, it models to the child anger management. None of us want to or set out to hurt each other. Learning to calm ourselves down before we make a choice that we regret later is one of the most important self defense we will ever practice.
