We have all heard it and all of us have said it and some time in our life. “The words almost always precede an argument or fight amongst siblings or even friends. They are, “THAT’S NOT FAIR.” When it is a young child saying those words it is usually about someone getting more than them or someone getting to do something that they cannot do. When it is an older child it could be about something very childish or it may be not being allowed to do something that they feel they have the right and need to do. Still further along on the age continuum as an adult we may feel that something is not fair when we see or feel an injustice being committed in the legal or political system. Or on a more personal level, an adult may feel the unfair treatment from an employer or even a friend.
Those words, that’s not fair, carry with them some very intense emotions. So what is it that makes something unfair? First as an adult we understand that the word fairness can mean different things in different situations. It may have to do with a group project that all must contribute equally for the best results. On the other hand we would not expect to provide equal amounts of help on a project to an experienced team member as we would an inexperienced one.
As a parent though, dealing with those words from younger children certainly does not carry with it the same emotions as being accused by a teen of not being fair. This month I hope to discuss this subject on a number of different levels including when we are being accused and when we can act as a mediator. The meaning we are working with is, treating others according to what’s needed, deserved, and appropriate.
If you would like to see how we will deal with this subject with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of February or come in and try a class.
While I have not been able to confirm this factoid, sociologist say that every person will influence 10,000 other people in their lifetime. What that means to me is that there are quite a few people watching us and at any given time will be swayed one way or another by our words or actions.
Here is what I know to be true: Parents / Leaders influence their children. That is such a huge responsibility. Everything we say and more important every action we take is being recorded on the minds and hearts of not only our own children, but of every child that comes in contact with us.
In class the other day one of the students kept repeating this phrase, “what the…?” No they did not complete the sentence but I was waiting to hear what the next word was going to be. It is a funny thing about our children and us as parents. Not unusually, the very things that get to us, the habits that our children have or little ways of doing things that irritate us are generally speaking, habits that either we or our mate have demonstrated that we do not like about ourselves.
If we have a personality flaw that we would like to change about ourselves, and we see it in our child, that is the one that we will many times be the most upset about with our child. Because we have such a large influence on our children, working on ourselves and willingly open about that work, our children will be influenced also in creating a better habits.
Have you noticed too, the influence that older children have on younger ones. I like to use this in speaking to the older child about their responsibility to influence, set a good example for and be a leader to their younger brother and sister. For some children this is a great motivator for them. They like the idea of being that leader, so without abusing that possibility, we can call on that from them to reinforce the idea of our team / our family.
Throughout history in the business world we have seen some great partnerships. Many times one partner was the visionary and the other one was the nuts and bolts person / investor – who knew how to get things done and make things happen. Nonetheless as you look at this list we can be sure of one thing – together they had a vision that they agreed on and they could all see exactly what they wanted to accomplish.
Thomas Edison & J.P. Morgan & Vanderbilts (commercial power companies)
Wright Brothers (air plane)
Sam, Jack, Albert, and Harry Warner (Warner Bro. entertainment)
Coco Chanel and Pierre Wertheimer (Perfume and more)
Guest Post By Tom Callos for Balanced Life Skills. Mr. Callos is Mr. Joe Van Deuren’s mentor, coach and instructor.
You didn’t start your study of the martial arts to “go through the motions” of it all, did you? Of course you didn’t, but look around you in your next class and I’ll bet you spot a number of your classmates doing that very thing, going through the motions. It’s human nature to get distracted, to multi-task, and wander off course.
To deepen and strengthen your practice so that you stay on the mark and make reasonable progress, I offer you these 10 time-tested, Tom-tested tips:
1. As often as you can remember to do so, say to yourself “I am aware that I am training” (kicking, punching grappling, or whatever it is you’re doing at the moment). For me, that never fails to get my head out of the clouds and back into my practice (I am aware that I am writing this!).
2. Use a training partner (or partners) to hold you accountable to more intense, more focused, and more “present” practice. Friends are a good thing.
3. Eat better food before and after ever class (and, of course, that translates into ALL THE TIME). If you’re body’s jammed full of food-delivered chemicals, cups of corn-syrup, and crates full of unnecessary carbs or fats, you’re going to find you don’t function like the well-oiled machine you’re supposed to be. Contrary to the way a lot of people live their lives, what you eat IS important to your performance. In fact, what you eat IS self-defense.
4. Breath deeply, focus on breathing deeply, think about breathing deeply, and maybe, if you have a habit of forgetting, write “BREATH DEEPLY” on the backside of your hand. To see just how much this helps you, do it. You’ll feel the benefits right away.
5. Take your practice off of the mat. Courtesy and respect for others isn’t something that’s practiced in the school with people you’re semi-afraid of. It’s for that ding-dong at the supermarket (you can tell what someone is made of by how they treat the people that mean nothing to them). It’s for your Mom, who sometimes bugs you in a big way. It’s for the substitute teacher (yes, even for him/her).
6. Practice at home, a minimum of 10 minutes a day on the days you don’t attend classes. Little things add up, so even 10 minutes of practice can help you grow. Oh, and if you don’t think 10 minutes matters, try to hold your side-kick out out for 10 minutes or try and hold your breath for 10 minutes. Yeah.
7. Read age-appropriate philosophy. Champions, whether in science, baseball, chess, jiu-jitsu, or cross-country skiing, all have belief systems that make them rise above hardship and overcome obstacles. They all learn to cope with defeat –and victory. Reading the words of someone with experience can be the next best thing to talking with them face-to-face.
8. Go crazy. Yes, act in a way that most people would consider very odd indeed. For example, when things start getting really hard, you pretend they’re getting easier. Crazy! When everyone else complains –and for good reasons too, you find the good in the situation and jump up to be the first person to turn whatever is wrong, right. Insane! When everyone else quits, you stick to it! You’re a nut!
Actually you are a martial artist
9. Measure your own personal performance on a scale between 1 and 10, with “1” being your worst performance –and “10” being an all out, focused, beautiful-to-behold effort. Try to operate as close to level 10 as you can during your classes (whether you’re standing still or doing difficult maneuvers). And while you’re at it, try to LIVE at level 10, whenever possible. It’s a good thing.
10. I hate to drop this one on you last, as it’s a bit of a let-down after all this glorious focus on you and yours, but maybe the best way to deepen your own practice of the martial arts is to help others deepen theirs. Yes, that’s right, in the end, it’s not about you at all. Funny how it always works out that way.
Tom Callos
About the Author: Tom Callos’ bio and project portfolio may be read at www.tomcallos.com
The third chapter of this book is the one that really got me hooked. It is called The Sacred Pause: Resting Under the Bodhi Tree. Prior to that though I enjoyed the writing and understood where Ms. Brach was coming from, it was this chapter on pausing that made me stop and think about myself in the real world.
She gave the example of everyone’s hero, Chuck Yaeger who followed several other pilots trying to go in the atmosphere with their plane where no one else had been. All of them killed, frantically trying to stabilize their planes that had entered into a tumbling and diving that made them scream, ” What do I do next?” as they plunged to their death.
Her thoughts and examples of situations that we may find ourselves, things we cannot control, using strategies that are not working, feeling helpless and trying frantically to manage our difficult situation, with nothing working for us what should we do?
Chuck Yaeger was knocked out in his flight and was able to do nothing. He came to, in time that as he re-entered the earth’s atmosphere he was able to regain control of the plane, bringing it in safely.
“Learning to pause is the first step in the practice of Radical Acceptance.” Could pausing be an answer to some of our most troubling, out of control feelings and situations? It certainly allows us to make choices in how we respond, teaching us how to nurture ourselves. I hope you enjoy her thoughts and experiences if you choose to read this book.
We have all heard it and all of us have said it and some time in our life. “The words almost always precede an argument or fight amongst siblings or even friends. They are, “THAT’S NOT FAIR.” When it is a young child saying those words it is usually about someone getting more than them or someone getting to do something that they cannot do. When it is an older child it could be about something very childish or it may be not being allowed to do something that they feel they have the right and need to do. Still further along on the age continuum as an adult we may feel that something is not fair when we see or feel an injustice being committed in the legal or political system. Or on a more personal level, an adult may feel the unfair treatment from an employer or even a friend.
