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Empathy: predicting feelings

While it is important to figure out by looking at someone or a situation what someone is feeling, it is just as important to predict how someone may feel if you speak or if you act in a certain way.  When we are able to predict how someone may feel given a set of circumstances, we can gauge how and what we may say or do.  

This is an important social skill that we can teach our children by playing a game with them or by just simple conversation.  We may ask them, “Lauren just moved and will be going to a new school tomorrow. How do you think she will feel?”   We can make up other scenarios that may be applicable to our own children that would be good for them to consider the feelings of others.

When we take children out of the scenario, their own emotions about the situation do not get involved and they can express clearly what may happen.  When the time is appropriate you can compare it to a situation that they are in and it will be easier for them to understand how they may respond with more empathy.

When we are in the middle of a situation, especially if there are emotions involved, it can be very difficult to be empathetic.  Practicing predicting the feelings of others can be helpful for all of us, child or adult.

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Emapthy and anger control

Developing empathy is a major anger control tool because it is more diffiuclt to stay angry at people once you understand things from their point of view. The skill of empathy also involves increased sensitivity to how you yourself are coming across to others.

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Empathy: needs focus on others

Have you ever noticed how many times people are so focused on their own needs, wants and feelings that there is very little time or effort spent on how others might be feeling.   Last month we talked about being open-minded and accepting the differences of each other, and what better way of doing this than to be aware of the needs of others as we make decisions.  To do so effectively we must understand the feelings of other persons.

Some have put it this way, “We must climb inside the other person”, “Walk in their shoes”, to really be able to respond to situations in a way that is empathetic.  The very first step in this process is to be able to read and understand people’s feelings.  This calls for taking the time to listen and observe body language, gestures, tone of voice and other observations to help us understanding the other person. 

The step of listening is so important in this observing.  Not just hearing but ‘deep listening’ , observing where they are coming from and why they be taking the stand that they are taking.  Of course asking good questions and listening closely to the answer without pre-judging or thinking we know the answer is the first key step in being motivated to respond to the needs of others.

How good are you at understanding?  If you were to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 where would you be at this point, and more important – what could you do that would increase the score?  This month lets consider this together and see if we can raise our awareness in ourselves and in those around us. 

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Courage: standing for what it is right

One of the hardest times to demonstrate courage is when we need to stand up for what is right or to do the right things when others are choosing to act in a manner that is not fair or not safe.  No matter our age we are all subjected to peer pressure.  Both adults and kids get in situations when there are injustices taking place, either by word or action, and we are confronted with the question if we are going to speak up to friends or leaders in our community.

This is very hard.  Ralph W. Sockman once said; “The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.”   It takes courage to speak up, but that is what leaders do.  Leaders lead the way and do what’s right even when it is hard to do.  They do what is right because it is the right thing to do, and not based on what others will think or do. 

How we develop the ability to do this is by making decisions based on internal values and not external values or influences.  It is not that we do not care what others think, we must have empathy for the feelings of others, but we have core values and a conscious that helps direct us into doing the right thing no matter the opinion or influences of others.  I have not spent anytime on the subject of teaching our children how to think for themselves, but I will put that on my list of things to write about,  but in very simple terms as  parents we must first and most importantly demonstrate that for our children.  If they see that we are influenced by what our peers have, say and do – they will act and react in the same manner, even in things that we thought that we taught them better in. 

How do we know though if an issue is to big for us to handle by ourselves?  If we are a child and we see something taking place that we know is not correct, good, safe, and fair to someone else and we do not know what to say or do – it is time to ask for the assistance of an adult.  If we are an adult and we do not know how to handle a situation or if it bigger than we are prepared for, it is OK to ask for help and advice.  That is what leaders do.  Great leaders always know when to ask for help.

Asking for help if we are not able to right a wrong is so much better than seeing an injustice and ignoring it, choosing not to be involved.  Being involved is what citizenship in our community is all about.

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Parenting a leader – not a bully

Of course we want to believe that our child would never be the ‘bully’.  But what if your child really is a bully?  I believe that if we were to be honest when we examine ourselves,  that each of us could find times in our lives that we have been the bully.  The reasons that we, or anyone uses their power over another person to get their way (bullying), can be varied. 

Bullying may begin because we feel powerless in another situation or that we do not have any choices.  Or it may be that we are angry about something and we are taking it out on someone else.  Or it may be that we even may have a certain amount of jealousy or contempt. 

The author of the book “ The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander” believes that it is about contempt and suggests 5 ways that we can prevent our own child from being a bully.  I have listed them in bold and then commented on them from my own experience.

Watch your own behavior. It is very easy for us to send a message to our child without even realizing the message they are receiving or how they may interpret  how they can use  the message.  The way we treat others, joke about them or comment on them can say to our child that it is ok to have ‘fun’ at another’s expence.  The use of racist’s jokes or poking fun at the  looks of another person may give our child permission to do the same to people that they meet.

Nurture empathy and sympathy. Even as adults we can be unaware of the affect our behavior or comments are having on another person.  As we carefully monitor our own behavior we can also point out when our child does a kind deed, the emotion that they feel as well as the emotion that the other person feels.  The more we can demonstrate the consequences – good and bad – of our behavior and words on others, the more we are nurturing empathy.  On the other hand, voicing or getting pleasure from another persons feeling bad or distressed does not nurture empathy and may give permission to our child that it is OK to make someone else feel uncomfortable.

 
Monitor TV, video games and music. I do not believe that games, music and other forms of entertainment cause mean behavior, but they can jade us to that sort of behavior and make it difficult for a young person to determine what is right and wrong.  From my personal experience I know that over the years as I studied the subject of peace and reduced the amount of movies and television shows that I watched that contained violence, I found that I was not able to tolerate it as much.  While I do not suggest that we delete media from our kids lives – I do believe that we can be sure to have discussions with our children about what is right and wrong and help them to see the affects of those acts on others – even if they were in a form of entertainment.

Teach friendship skills. One of the number one ways I like to teach victims of bullies to  overcome this is to make the bully your friend.  Unfortunately many times bullies do not know how to be a friend.  Teaching our children to be a friend can be done both by socializing them with their peers and demonstrating and point out to them our own behavior.  In addition I would suggest that providing opportunities for them to serve others in their community and discussing and letting them see the affect on the recipients of their kindness can really drive home how to be a friend.

 
Engage them in energizing activities. Challenge your child in activities that require them to exert energy.  I am not a believer in “if you are angry go home and take your frustration out on the pillow”, as I believe that this is only teaching us to react with violence on our pillow and one day it is possible that we could give our selves permission to do the same on someone else.  But I do believe if we are not getting enough physical challenges that have to do something with that energy and it could come out in ways that are not appropriate.  

The points that we have outlined above are good for all of us as parents whether our child or ourselves are bullies or not.  All of us can use reminders on ourselves to be kind to others and be aware of the consequences of everything that we do and say in the course of our day.

For more information about bullying go to Mr. Joe’s site – Stop Bullies.  Mr. Joe is available for Bully Prevention seminars for all age groups in your school or at his martial arts studio.
 

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Alabama, UBBT, Mr. Joe

This morning I am about 24 hours away from leaving for Alabama to spend 5 days with like minded martial artist in a setting that many would ask, “What does that have to do with martial arts?”
It is a learning experience for me.  It is an opportunity for me to take the lessons I have learned on the mat like perseverance and put them into application in the real world.  In this setting I can see the lessons my instructor is teaching in action.  Taking all of the organizational, motivational and deep thinking skills and putting them into practice.
It is a time to demonstrate acts of kindness and peace and to honor those before us who have done the same.  Martial arts may be about self defense, but in fact it is kindness, empathy, tolerance and celebration of differences that create peace.  If the ideal meaning of health is energy –  the ideal meaning of peace is happiness.
This trip is also a lesson in teaching leadership.  Leadership is demonstrated by doing not just by sitting in a classroom and learning techniques of making people listen to you.  The lessons I would like for all of our students to learn is about leadership.  Thinking for oneself and doing something about what we see needs to be done.
See my journey in the UBBT at MY JOURNEY