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Six Skills every child needs to protect themselves

There are six skills that I believe are necessary for every child to learn in a progressive manner, depending on their age that will both protect them from bullying and from being a bully.  In that all of us have the capability to be both – these 6 skills will be a protection to ourselves if we are targeted or if we have become aggressive.  Adult or child, it is likely that having a coach to work on these skills will be helpful.

What are the six skills?

  • Empathy
  • Assertiveness
  • Identifying social cues
  • How to be a friend
  • Self defense
  • Online safety skills

These six skills – and they are skills because they can be taught and we are not be able to turn it on / off at will – take time to develop and are best learned by seeing them modeled by our coach.  Parents – You are the Coach.  

None of these skills are going to be learned by a single sit down conversation where we tell our children what is expected from them or what they have to do.  All of the skills take time, and I suggest our 3 minutes a day concept.  Here is an example, using the very first skill listed, Empathy.

Respect, Empathy, Self-Control
Respect, Empathy, Self-Control

Empathy cannot be taught in passing.  Parent’s are concerned about a child when they have hurt the feelings of another person.  It is easy to say, “think about their feelings”, but for a child they are most likely thinking about their own feelings, so these words mean very little to them.

Empathy comes from the inside of a person – not from the words of others from the outside.  So we must begin by giving our child the words they need to describe their own feelings.   Those ‘emotion’ words must be taught and then used by parents and child in describing how they are feeling.  Doing this when our children are young and continuing will give them the start to a vocabulary to describe their feeling.  Then those feeling words can be applied to what we see is happening to others.  As they get older we can do more reflection with them.
In our class,  “The Truth About Bullying”   we will discuss each of the six skills and how to teach them to our children in more detail.  You will be really surprised at our definition and practice of Self Defense.  Come to our class on Saturday, September 27 at 10 AM or schedule Joe Van Deuren to present this information to your own parent group.

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5 Reminders in dealing with diminishing confidence in children

Bullying at school pic

A child’s confidence can be diminished very quickly when they become the target of mean behavior or words.  One of the worst things that can happen to a child is being made feel “less than” by others.  This is many times the results of others talking about them, making sly comments, or being made to feel unwelcome or not a part of the group.

As this kind of behavior can be directed to anyone, especially a young person, we want to encourage them to be sure to speak up to adults and ask for the help that they need.  Along with that,  choosing friends that are not taking part in that kind of behavior is a good idea too.  Many times though, this is not enough.

As an adult, if a child comes to us with these kinds of situations, we can be confused about what the right thing to do might be.  There is no one answer to that question, as every situation and child needs to be worked with individually.  However, there are a few things for us to remember and not all of them are easy.   Control of ourselves and our emotions is key to do what is best for our children.

First, we must remember this is our child’s situation and our place is to protect them, but not take the problem over as if it is ours.
Second, what the target of this kind of behavior needs more than anything from us is to know that we understand their feelings.  So before you start getting all the details, be sure that you give your child as much time as they need to express themselves. (this is the hard part, because parents will want to jump right in and fix it)
Third, find out what your child would like to see happen and what they want to do or what they think might help the situation.
Fourth, help them weigh out their options, choose one and then practice it with them.
Fifth, follow up with how they are feeling, how it is working and what they want to do next.

Nobody has the right to make anyone feel less than or unworthy.  We have to understand though that bullying behavior is going to take place until we are able to create a culture of kindness and peace in our families, schools, and communities.  Having a ‘zero tolerance’ policy does not work in any community situation.  Changing culture of the community, where those in the community stand up and say – in our class, in our school, in our community – we do not treat each other in that manner, is what does work to eliminate confidence reducing behavior.  Are the teachers in your school making this the norm for the classroom?  The confidence level of your son or daughter may be at stake.

Anyone in our community that is dealing with a situation like this may consider working with a bully prevention expert like Joe Van Deuren at Balanced Life Skills.

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What your teen is really worried about

teen_worried

Recently I asked a group of teen students about what they thought they would like to learn to protect themselves from the most.  It was not an attack on the streets or hallways at school.  They did not talk of being abducted or physically hurt.  They did not speak of international issues such as war or attacks on the homeland.  The things that they wanted the most protection from or learn how to deal with:

 

put-downs, cliques at school, teasing, insults, words, exclusion

Bullying behaviors are the biggest things on these students minds.  There were other subjects that came up too, like anger, education, close mindedness, jealousy, cutting, emotional abuse, not being heard, health issues… but far away it was the social / emotional issues that were the of the highest concern.  

Teens are concerned with finding their place in society and especially among their peers.  Being able to do so and feeling safe is key to how they operate in society as adults.  The adults in their life have a responsibility to set the example for them, to guide them through the waters of the social world and to find that secure place.

The six skills that every child needs to start learning at a young age and how to teach those skills will be part of our discussion on September 27 at 10 AM.  The subject title is “The Truth About Bullying”   You are invited to this FREE class to be followed in the weeks to come dealing with What to do if your child is being bullied and more.  Register today or just show up – but be sure to get this information for your family.

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Imbalance of Power Leads To Bullying In These 5 Ways

workplace-bullyingOne of the signs that an aggressive act is bullying and not just bad behavior is if there is an imbalance of power – the aggressive party has either the perception or reality of being ‘greater than’ in some manner.  This sense of power can come in many forms.

  • Power can be demonstrated economically.  In an adult relationships if one person makes and controls all of the money, that may be an imbalance of power.  In and of itself that is not a problem, unless they use the threat of that power to control the other person.
  • Power might be demonstrated physically.  If one person is larger, stronger, more aggressive – this imbalance might be shown if the weaker person is afraid of them.  They might be afraid of being hit or pushed around.
  • Power might be demonstrated mentally.  There are many ways this may work out, but many times we will see one person who perceives themselves as smarter or more capable and will be very pushy about getting things done their way.  This is true in kids or adults.
  • Power might be demonstrated emotionally.  Many times manipulation of feelings and actions will be done, based on one persons perception of themselves or the other person.
  • Power might be demonstrated even online.  If one person is showing up anonymously and is saying mean things about another – they have an illegitment power over the target.

While this list is not exhaustive – it is easy to see how one child might be able to bully another, or a spouse may bully their partner or even their child.  Even teachers can sometimes use their ‘power’ in a way that is damaging to a child or fellow teacher.

When we have power in some manner, empathy for others will help us to be thoughtful and careful about how we use it or even how it is perceived.  Check out more information on bullying at the class on September 27 @ 10 AM at Balanced Life Skills.

You are invited to come to the first of a series on “The Truth About Bullying”

 

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2 Lesson Learned From Aggressive Behavior In Children

HidingWith so many news events that make us shake our head and wonder how a human that grew up in a ‘civilized’ society could act in such horrific ways – creating a culture of kindness / peace becomes more important to us as parents and educators.  I believe like many of you that culture change is difficult to affect on the big scale – in fact impossible to affect unless it is also achieved on the individual and family scale.  Really is “the world” at peace if we personally have turmoil, difficulties, and heartache in our lives?

Aggression that takes place between children usually happens out of the sight of adults and caregivers.  Isn’t that interesting? Because the same thing is true with adult aggression.  A child may pull their pranks of aggression in the bathroom at school, or on the bus or a corner of the playground – adults try to hide their aggressive acts too.

I heard a story one time of an adult who waited till their target was alone in the file room of an office before they showed a side of themselves no one in the office had ever seen or at least talked about before.  Pushing a co-worker against the cabinets – they told them to never ever do “such & such again” or things would get worse for them.  Now while this one incident would not in and of itself be bullying – this aggressive act had a major impact on the target, a young employee with no seniority.  She eventually quit the job and moved away, as her fear overwhelmed her desire to work for this company.

There are two lessons here.  The first lesson is that children who are aggressive can and will take this with them into adulthood.  The ramifications of that are huge.   The second lesson that is not seen as easily is that the effects of aggression – of bullying others – is devastating to the perpetrators too.

Did you know that those with higher rates of aggression when they are young also have higher rates of traffic violations, drunk driving, domestic violence, and depression.  Of those identified as being aggressive when they are young – 60% of them have committed one crime by the age of 24.

The effects on those who are the target of their aggression and on those who have observed it are devastating as well.   Ignoring or denying that bullying is perpetrated by a child or student or a child is a target of aggression,  is damaging to them and our society in the short and long term.  We must not ignore this behavior or go along with those that might see aggressive behavior as a part of growing up or who have a “my child is a leader” mentality.

The damage being done now will affect their life and that of others in the future.  One of my goals is to help our community become aware of and build a culture of kindness, peace and compassion in our families, schools and communities.

On September 27 at 10 AM I will be addressing the issue of bullying in a class titled, The Truth About Bullying.  This one hour class will not only discuss the definition and effects of bullying on children, but also why children wait so long to tell authorities and the six skills every child needs in our efforts to build a culture of kindness.  These skills are meant to help a child from becoming the target of bullying and to help those inclined to be aggressive.

This link will give further details on this class as well as the follow up classes to help every parent.

https://balancedlifeskills.com/anti-bullying-support/parents

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The Truth About Bullying

Joe Van Deuren
Joe Van Deuren

First I have to say that I, like many of you, probably do not like the use of the words BULLY or VICTIM.   I prefer the terms – Aggressor and Target.  There are a number of reasons, not the least of which is, that it is very easy for a child or even an adult to be labeled and have it stick for a very long time, and even learn to be that person.

The other part of the whole bullying discussion that always gets to me is that the word has been used so many times that it has lost some of its impact – in fact it is misused and applied to situations that should either be labeled ‘bad behavior’ or ‘assault’.    I have seen both.

There are times when parents are over reacting due to the emotional connection with their child, which is understandable.  There are others times that I have seen a parent or teacher believe that the situation should just be overlooked and the target just needs to “toughen up”.

The definition of bullying revolves around 3 basic rules:

  1. The acts must be deliberate with the intention to hurt someone
  2. Acts of aggression must be repeated targeting the same person over and over again
  3. There is a imbalance of power between the parties involved

These are fairly common, well accepted rules that most school systems and the public have agreed upon as the definition for bullying.  When the act or acts do not meet all 3 of these rules, it is likely that bullying may not be the correct word for the situation, even though the acts of aggression are still rather uncomfortable or even dangerous for those targeted.

parenting-talking-to-childThis does not mean that aggression should be ignored when the acts do not meet the rules listed.  Any behavior that is aggressive either in a physical, emotional or social manner needs to be addressed.  Addressing those behaviors help us to create a culture in the society that says, “this kind of behavior will not be tolerated by the social group.”

How we address the ‘culture we are trying to build’, either in a proactive or reactive manner, says a lot about the our own beliefs of what is important to us as parents and teachers.  One of my goals is to help our community become aware of and build a culture of kindness, peace and compassion in our families, schools and communities.

On September 27 at 10 AM I will be addressing the issue of bullying in a class titled, The Truth About Bullying.  This one hour class for parents will discuss the definition and effects of bullying on children, and why children wait so long to tell authorities including their parents along with the six skills every child needs in our efforts to build a culture of kindness in our schools and community.  These skills are meant to help a child from becoming the target of bullying and to help those inclined to be aggressive.

This link below will give further details on this class as well as the follow up classes aimed at helping every parent.

The Truth About Bullying