Category: Gifts of Character

In 1959 two social psychologists John French and Bertram Raven identified 5 ways that individuals may gain or exercise the power of ‘leaders’. These 5 ways were identified as;  Legitimate, Reward, Expert, Referent, Coercive. If we understand these, first it helps us understand why one person can influence another, see where your own power as a leader may be coming from and see the areas that may make us a better leader. While this month’s word is Leadership, the main reason I am writing about this is that as parents we are leaders and we have power – but how we got that power and how we use it determines if we are being the best kind of leader for our children. Our example teaches them how to be leaders too.

Legitimate Power comes from our title or position that we hold. While we will never lose that position with our children like other positions might be lost ( a boss, the mayor, CEO) our power is limited to situations and the time that our children believe that we have the right to exercise that control. Obviously if our leadership is only based, “Do this because I’m the parent!” our influence will be short term. However, there are times that we must use our position of parent to make and enforce decisions that may not be popular.

Reward Power comes from our ability to give out rewards. In the business world, there may be a person who is seen as a leader because they hold the power to give a promotion or raise and therefore have a kind of control over others. From the parent point of view if our control of our children is based simply on the reward they will get if they behave in a certain manner, when the rewards do not hold enough value to the child or we are not able to make the reward large enough – the power and perceived leadership is weakened. In the decision of making rewards, physical or material rewards may not be what would be best for the child, and will most certainly create a materialistic monster that we cannot continue to feed.

Coercive Power using threats, denying privileges, punishments and the like are the most common methods of coercive power. We see it in the business world and we see it in parenting. We may have the position to use this, but if this is our main source of power, the power comes from a place of fear and not love and respect. Again this is not to say that we should not punish. But the punishment should be natural consequences for the behavior – not just some arbitrary punishment based on how we are feeling that day. Coercive power can very easily become or be bullying, both in the family and in the business world

Expert Power generally comes from knowledge and skills that enable us to use solid judgment and have a better understanding of a situation. This is pretty easy to do with a child, but as they get older expanding your knowledge and being willing to learn from others is part of building your reputation with your children. By demonstrating or modeling your expertise in the character, values, morals and ethics that you would like to see in your children – you are leading them by example as well as the words of wisdom that you speak.  This does not require position or coercion to improve your leadership skills.

Referent power is about liking another person, charisma, respect and admiration. Not all of us have this in the business world and relying solely on this base of power is not a good strategy, it comes pretty naturally with our children.  Our children love and adore usand if we learn to lead in a balanced way, set a great example and lead with love and fairness we will maintain that referent power. However we can lose this respect and admiration easily by the overuse or abuse of the other bases of power.

Just as an exercise,  look at each of these power bases and see how you have used them in your parenting style and if it has served you well. Think about your own experiences both in the business world and with your own parents and how did their styles affect you.

Where and how can we become more effective leaders at home?

One critical need to be filled by a leader is to set goals and then articulate them in a manner to others in their group to inspire them to action. To be able to do this effectively the leader will have already been experienced in setting goals and achieving them in their personal lives.

For a young person they may have a goal of learning to ride their bike or learning to swim. As the parent we want to give them the words for this so they know that they are not just doing something that is fun – but they have set a goal. On the journey to learning to swim there will be highs and lows, difficulties and victories. In the end though they accomplish what they set out to do.

As the kids get older we can help them to set higher goals, for themselves and as they participate with groups, sports or competitive teams or play in an orchestra they will have both personal and group goals. Helping them to appreciate the need for goal setting and learning how to name them, write them down, work at achieving, changing our plans if we need to, are all steps to building a leader.

Imagine what our life might be like if we did not set goals for ourselves. We would not know where we were heading, what we were working for or how we can get there. It would be like getting on a plane with the plane flying with no known destination. Groups, individuals and causes all perform their best when they know what the outcome is that they are working to achieve.

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Great leaders are not the ones that talk the loudest or the most.

When great leaders speak though – people do listen. The reason they listen is most likely not just about power, but rather that in past times the leader has been a great listener. They have been willing to give credibility to the ideas and needs of those around them.

When teaching young people to listen we emphasize the need to keep their eyes open and on the person who is talking to them. They need to show interest and understanding of what is being said by nodding their head, asking questions and be able to repeat back to the person the gist of what was said.

They must keep their ears open listening not just to the words being spoken, but the inflection in the voice, listening for deeper meanings – again asking questions to be sure that you really understand the position, question or issue that the person would like to address.

Finally they must learn to keep their mouths closed – not talking over the other person or interrupting them to express their own ideas. I love the way the American Indians had a “talking stick” that others did not speak until the person holding the talking stick gave it up.

One of the biggest distractions we can have as a listener is what is going on in our own head. Thinking of what we are going to say, how we might prove the other person wrong or present our ideas in a stronger manner is not good listening, not it is not good leadership. Leadership requires that we are willing to hear and meet the needs of those in our sphere of influence. Failure to do so may eliminate our ability to lead those in an effective manner.

Our conversation this month on Leadership started with asking the students, What is a leader? There were many comments, but all ended that the person had to be honest and “nice” to others. Obviously a leader has to be someone that others want to follow, but why? Why are people willing to follow another person? People are willing to follow others if the leader has a vision or a goal and then is able to make good choices and set a great example.

Leaders have a very strong vision, yet they are willing to listen to the ideas of others, to be fair with others. Their character and values are very high. They are not in their position because they are bossy, but rather because they know how to listen and implement good ideas from others. Everyone’s ideas are important.

Most importantly and the Balanced Life Skills Way, is for leaders to ask, “How can I help you?”. When they can ask that question and then perform by doing something for them, they are in a position to inspire others to action.

One BLS Student this past week collected 4 bags and boxes of shoes for our BLS Shoe Drive this fall. They did it with leadership and the strong desire to help others. Our students are all learning to be compassionate, have awareness and respect for others.  If you want to help here is a flier you can use to collect from your neighborhood.

Shoe Drive Neighborhood Flier

Each month we will discuss a life skill with all of our students. This month the word is Leadership. This word will be defined in the following ways for our students.

 

 

Young students: Leadership: “I am a good example and make great choices – so follow me!”

Older students: Leadership means: ”Inspiring people to take action towards a common goal.”

Each age group has a worksheet that parents can use to continue the discussion at home with their children, and one for adults to allow them to think more deeply about the skill and how it applies to them. Would you like to receive the worksheet? Stop by our studio at 133 Gibralter Avenue in Annapolis, MD and tell us the age of your child. We will give you a worksheet and invite you to watch Mr. Joe discuss the word with the students in class.  You can also follow our discussions here on this website.

If you would like to become a member of Balanced Life Skills, come TRY CLASSES FOR FREE. We are not your typical martial arts school, in fact we are an education center, working with our students on physical skills along with empowering families with compassion, awareness and respect. We believe in every child and build their confidence in themselves. Balanced Life Skills takes part in community service and encourages each student to do the same.

Come in and talk to the parents that are here and watch the class for the age group you are interested in.