Usefully Useless

DSC_0003Years ago, Shifu sat my class down for a lecture on Daoism and culture, and in the true Daoist tradition of illuminating paradoxes, began by writing these words on the blackboard:

 有用无用

无用有用

Which means, “Useful is useless and useless is useful.” He explained thus. Imagine a can of paint. It is useful because you can paint a wall with it, but just sitting there in the can it’s not really serving any purpose, so it’s useless. Take the paint out of the can and spread it on a wall, it is now useful because it is serving its role as cover and color, but now that it is on the wall it can never do anything else, and is really kind of useless to you — you can’t take it off again and spread it anywhere else.

A few years ago, I came to realize that I was not being very welcoming toward short-term students passing through our school. I empathized with them, knowing that if I was a newcomer in a strange place, I would want the people already established there to be friendly and open to me. But my time was all so useful already — I trained many hours a day, and when I wasn’t training I was studying or resting up for the next training session. Every minute of the day was accounted for this way. All my time was useful to me, which made it useless for camaraderie and human generosity.

On the other hand, think of a stereotypical working family man. His time is useful to his boss, to his company, to his family, to his children — but kind of useless to him. When can he spend time on his own health and well-being? He can’t — useless

But sometimes I take some time out of my day and set it aside to be useless. After training sometimes I sit on the stoop of our dormitory and see if anyone comes and talks to me. I don’t always do this, and when I do it doesn’t always amount to much. But that time never fails to be precious in my mind. I have nice leisurely conversations, meet new people, deepen existing friendships, or have a few minutes to reflect on my day, or sometimes I just realize the weather is much nicer than I had previously noticed. My useless time ever proves useful.

There are certainly limits to this, and I think they are frequently defined by the boundaries of moderation and good sense. A useless half-hour watching TV might prove useful, provoking, and stimulating, but a useless 5 hours on the sofa thumbing the remote seems unlikely to yield any rich bounty.

We must strive to be constructive, to be helpful to others, to take care of ourselves, to cultivate our character and our connection with the people around us. But this axiom reminds us that we benefit by making room in our lives for potential that can be realized into new and real concrete good, and by accepting that when that solid usefulness fails, new possibilities are opened.

Put Downs Are Not Cool at Home or In School!

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There was a little girl in just the 3rd grade who was very active and loved to do things outside. She loved to play ball and ride her bike, climb trees and just have a lot of fun. Her classmates have started to make fun of her and especially of her short hair.  This is Samantha and really she is very cute and loving. However, the taunts of her friends really is starting to bother her and she does not like to hear them.

This is a classroom that needs to learn that put-downs are not cool. They have not built a peaceful and kind culture yet.  In a situation like this the teacher wants to work with the whole class. Building a culture of peace could begin with recognizing that we are the same and different at the same time taunts of her friends really is starting to bother her and she does not like to hear them.

You could start with a game of “I’m Looking For”. The simple version is to make a circle and have one person ask a question, “I’m looking for everyone with brown eyes.” Then everyone with brown eyes comes to the middle of the circle. They can go back out and a new ‘looking for’ question is asked. After everyone has a chance to ask questions about favorite colors, pets, color of hair and eyes, birthday months you can ask what were some of the things you had in common and discuss similarities and differences. To take it further, discuss all the ways everyone around the world are the same including our emotional needs.

Summarize with understanding that sometimes people put others down or make fun of them because they are different in some way. We will focus on the things that are the same and if we do we will be building a culture of kindness and peace in the classroom or at home.

How Much Help With School Work Should We Give?

Recently I reviewed a story written by a 4th grader about kindness that was to demonstrate how to be kind. While my expectations were high, what I did not expect was to get in return a 5 page single spaced type written story with words that I had to look up in the dictionary. Either this was a prodigy child or there was some extreme help going on by others.

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I bring this up as we begin the school year as a reminder that the person in school is our children – not us as parents. Yes we want to see our children succeed and we are there to help them, but we must let them do their own work, be their own creative selves and make their own mistakes. Offering minor assistance – no problem. Offering support if asked – no problem. Doing the work for them though has several consequences.

  1. Makes them think that others will do their work
  2. Puts pressure on them to present a perfect front to the outside world.
  3. Weakens their ability to learn from mistakes or failures

There is enough pressure on our children to be #1 in all aspects of their life. What they really need to learn though is the value of learning from mistakes and to have the resilience of dealing with a failure. Giving them ourselves as role models of learning or accomplishing a task on our own, learning from a mistake or failure is an invaluable lesson for life.

September 7 -13 is Suicide Awareness Week

September 7 -13 is Suicide Awareness Week.  Join the Out of the Darkness Walk

Those who most need help in a suicidal crisis are the least likely to ask for it.

  • Thus, we must find our at-risk citizens and go to them with help without requiring that they ask for it first.

The person most likely to prevent you from dying by suicide is someone you already know.

  • Thus, those around us must know what to do if we become suicidal

Please join the Balanced Life Skills Team in the Out of the Darkness Walk as we raise awareness and money for the education of Anne Arundel County citizens.

Emphasis on Teamwork In the Family Builds Volunteering Habits

When we volunteer our time to a cause or to helping an organization fulfill their mission we receive a great feeling of contributing. Contribution is one of six ‘needs’ that every human has within them and if this need is not filled then we cannot feel the best about ourselves. For some individuals this is stronger than for others, but everyone once other needs are filled, want to be able to contribute to others.

Family teamworkWhere does this begin? It is my belief that contribution of our time should begin at home with our family, and be started early in life. Our family is our “most important team” we can contribute to. Learning to volunteer our time to support the “team” by doing our part, helping others, or supporting the good of the family is how we learn to do so for others.

While some may find themselves doing for others in order to feel significant in the community, first and foremost should be our family. As the lead volunteers in the family, parents who do everything without pay, can include the children – not to do chores – but rather to “be on the team”.

How can we demonstrate good teamwork at home? What can we do to help our parents or spouse save some of their time – so we the team can be together for other activities? Teamwork (not chores) volunteering (not a job) giving our time (practicing charity) are developed when we are aware, have compassion and respect for our teammates. Using these words changes the feeling and meaning of our practices at home.

Teaching Listening Skills Builds Peace in the Family and Classroom

All parents and teachers must believe that the work they are doing with their children and students will create the qualities that we value the most. You might ask yourself, “What qualities do I value the most in my own life and how am I teaching my children these values?”  In my own experience I believe that we will never change the personality of our children but our mission as parents and teachers is to pass on to our children values, morals and ethics.

At Balanced Life Skills we value compassion, awareness and respect. I believe that if we can become aware of our affect on situations and others, if we are mindful of our affect we can then demonstrate compassion and respect. As we follow through on these, we will be building peace, in ourselves, our community and the world.

Learning to listen, actively listen, is one of the cornerstones to building awareness, compassion and respect. Teaching good listening skills begins with us modeling active listening skills. Here are a few tips in good listening:

  • Listen without interrupting a child
  • Suspend your own thoughts
  • Empathize with what is being said
  • Non verbal language by nodding, leaning in to the speaker
  • Avoid looking around (or at your phone / computer)

If you’re a teacher with a large class of students you may want to have a sign that indicates that you need their attention, along with the words “Please look at me” or something similar. Teach your students if they are addressing the class, to use the same words and signs to gain the classes attention. This empowers the student speaking and the feelings of respect are being developed.

In the coming weeks look for our curriculum on Listening Skills as a part of the Balanced Life Skills Way for all of our students.