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Showing respect for property – when visiting other homes

The expectation we have for others to show respect for items that matter to us is the same that others have for us.  When we are invited to another persons home how do you show respect for the things that matter to them?

It may begin with our entry into the home.  Does the family take their shoes off at the door, then we should follow suit.  We may even ask if this is the custom.  Once we are inside do we wait to be invited into various parts of the house.  If the children are asked to go upstairs into the bedrooms – do you make sure that permission is asked of the parents of the house.

When visiting others in their home, being careful with their belongings – furniture, dishes, toys, all show that the things that matter to others also matters to us.  That is respect – the behavior of valuing others and their property.

Respect can be shown to others with our manners too.  We will want to show appreciation with our words and actions for the hospitality shown to us.  Saying thank you for food and other provisions along with appreciation for the invitation to spend the time with them.  Yes, even their time is a valuable commodity that we show respect for.  When the agreed time limit for the visit is met – then without complaining we will make our way back to our own home – without complaining or begging for more time to be spent.

As I prepared this post I was thinking how well this tied into the practice of empathy.  Asking ourselves how the other person feels and even then taking our level of respect up a notch or two.  Remember empathy is not just treating others the way we would want to be treated.  It really is treating others the way they would like to be treated and that includes their personal property.

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Understanding respect of property – ours or others

respect propertyRespect for ourselves, respect for others, and now showing respect for property – both our own and that of others.  Lets start with items that might belong to us, a book, bike, a drawing or toy.  Remember we talked about how “respect is the behavior shown something or someone that we value”.  All of us can understand the value we place on items that we own.  We may have a special book that we love – we value – it was given to us by a special person in our life or we love the story.  We personally want to take care of it, being sure to put it away in a special place.  We are careful not to tear the pages or break the binding.  When we share it with others, we tell them how special it is to us and give them the rules we have for sharing it with them.  We treat this book “like it matters’.  We value it and expect others to do the same.

Lets imagine that we own a bike – a very special bike exactly what we always wanted.  How would we show respect for this gift from our parents or grandparents?  Would we leave it out in the driveway, laying on the ground overnight, or out in the rain?  Of course not.  We would want to be sure that we cared for it as if it really mattered to us.  If someone wanted to borrow it we may choose to say, “I do not lend my bike out.”  or we may lend it with the request that they treat it with ‘respect’.

We can think of items that are important to our friends and family too.   Sometimes they are items that came from their parents or have special significance due to who or where they came from.  With these items, we would be sure to ask for permission to touch, hold or borrow them.  I remember a special necklace that my wife wore that her grandmother had given her.  There was no great monetary value to the necklace, it was valued because of who had gifted the item.  That sort of special meaning and comfort from that item – made it irreplaceable.

Respect for property, whether it is ours or others is all based on understanding the value of the item, monetary, sentimental or because it was gifted to us.

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How to show respect for yourself

Showing respect for ourselves goes beyond the four ways we discussed in class this week:

  1. Healthy eating
  2. exercise
  3. proper amount of sleep
  4. personal hygiene

respect for selfTo have a real self respect it is also important not to be talked into risking our physical or mental health with bad habits such as smoking or drugs.  In fact many young people are drawn into that with a dare from others – a dare to do unhealthy or even dangerous acts.  But a person who has respect for themselves will not succumb to the ‘peer’ pressure.  We know that ‘we matter’.  We value our health and our bodies.

Beyond those things that seem so obvious, it is shows respect for our life when we have a goal or a mission.  Even young people can have a mission or a purpose.  Having this spelled out, understood that this is why I am doing what I am doing will help us keep everything in perspective.  Having and reaching a goal also acts as a building block to the next and possibly larger goal.  As we reach them, our self respect goes up, resulting in greater confidence and self esteem.

I was so happy to hear our students when talking about self respect say very early in the conversation that we should speak to ourselves in a positive manner and not put ourselves down if we make a mistake or fail to get something that we were hoping for.  They really got the message we talked about when discussing confidence.

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How are you looking at that stressor?

The difference between being an optimist and a pessimist is the way we interpret the situation.  A pessimist looks at the situation and believes that this is permanent and pervasive.  An optimist looks at the same situation and sees it as temporary and fixable.

want-it-all-and-want-it-now-slade_poster_frontA pessimist believes the situation will last forever and will affect everything else in their life and an optimist asks themselves, “Will this thing be that important five years from now, or even next month?” If the answer is yes – then deal with it, if the answer is no – and most of the time it is no – let it go.

Most of the time when stress leads to an outburst it is because the event that has just occurred seems so important and “unfix-able” at the moment.  When in fact, most likely there is a solution, and it is not likely that it is really worth fighting about or for.  Since stress and the reaction to it is a factor in anger management, we must learn these thinking tips for dealing with them as they come up.  Put the stressor into a time perspective.
Take that deep breath or the time out and then put words to your feelings.  Decide if this is a permanent or a temporary setback.  Decide if it is fixable or even ours to fix.  If we are not able to find a calmness, it may be we are attached to a result or we are not getting something that we really want to happen or the way we want someone to be.  Is it possible that the change is just not happening in the time frame we wanted it to happen?  Can we be optimistic about it happening in the future if we chose to?

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Will you know if your child is being picked on?

How would you know if your child is the target of bullying?  Most of the time your child will not announce it to you, out of fear of embarrassment, belief that they can or must take of the situation or out of fear of retaliation.  Parents and teachers  need to be aware of changes in the attitude or conduct of a child so we can take action.

DistressIf we see a pattern develop with a child of being more anxious, especially about particular situations, there may be something happening that is not comfortable for them.  If they become anxious about going to school, scouts, a sport activity or any place where there are others around – they may be experiencing some aggression.  Please remember it need not be from just other young people.  There may be an adult that makes them uncomfortable.  I have seen this happen with adults (teachers / coaches) where a child was being treated with sarcasm that caused anxiety and academic issues.

Other ways of telling a child may be a target of aggression, include depression, sadness, or safety concerns.  Anytime there is a change in the personality, just be aware and take extra time with your child to talk.  What should you ask?  How do you approach this conversation?

Most of the time asking if they are getting picked on in school is not going to get a response that helps you understand what is happening.  Neither is asking how it is going in school today.  You most likely will get the “fine” answer or the “good” comment.  Our conversation must be ongoing, general  giving them the opportunity to feel safe telling us / without telling us.  Here is what I mean.

Children are not going to be in a rush to embarrass themselves by telling us that they are having relationship issues in school.  On a daily basis – know your child and who their friends are.  Do not interrogate, but ask questions that you can put the pieces together.  If you know that a child typically plays with Sally and then all of a sudden Sally is no longer in the picture – then that is a warning sign that there may be some relationship issues.
jw4Without becoming Jack Webb (do you remember that show?)  we can learn what is on their mind.  What to do at that point is the subject of a seminar I do for parents titled “What to do if your child is being bullied?”  This includes how to deal with your child, the school system (public or private) and with the parents of the aggressor.

If you have a specific issue I am available as an advocate or consultant in this subject.