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Patience – Is the world waiting or are we waiting?

Sometimes I have to practice patience by waiting for the world to catch up to me. Sometimes I have to practice patience by waiting for me to catch up to the world. Either way, I must practice patience with the right attitude, without complaining.

 

In our world today, we have grown accustomed to having everything fast. Unfortunately, we have also learned to say and do what we want to, without having to wait. We have unlearned slowing down and allowing things to happen in there proper time.

 

This month we will be discussing the virtue of patience. Not just how to show patience, rather how to be patient. While the behaviors are the first steps, being rather than just doing is the growth we want from white belt to black belt.

 

Are we willing to allow life to take its course? Are we able to care for ourselves in a manner that allows development to find it’s natural way? What would it be like to listen to others so that we see the entire picture? How can we find our way out of the childish, self-centered attitude to maturity where we respect others around us and their opinions?

 

We will look at some of these questions this month.  In the meantime, consider patience in your personal life. What creates the anxiety and stress you feel when you recognize you are losing your patience or when your children are doing so?  What could you do to relieve that stress? What virtue would help to balance your life?

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Gifts of Character: Patience – The Definition

Each month we will discuss one gift of character with all of our students. This month the word is Patience.  This life skill will be defined in the following ways for our students.

Young students: Patience means: Waiting without complaining!

Older students: Patience means:  Waiting without complaining for something you want and need

We are not your typical after school activity, in fact, we are an education center, working with students on physical self-defense skills while empowering families to bring out the best in our children and ourselves – through the martial arts.  We believe every child has 52 gifts in them already.  They only need to be taught how to grow and use them in their life.  Balanced Life Skills serves parents, teachers and students to reach that goal.

If you would like to see Joe Van Deuren and Balanced Life Skills at work,  TRY CLASSES FOR FREE for 2 weeks.

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Bully Prevention and the Virtue of Thoughtfulness

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Aggressor: Thoughtfulness is kindness guided by empathy. Those who are being aggressive towards another person want to call on their thoughtfulness, to pay attention to the likes and dislikes of the other person. It is likely they have done this already and chosen to focus on their dislikes instead of considering how their words or actions would affect the person they are acting on.

Target: The target of aggression can use thoughtfulness also by observing what the aggressor needs and thinking about how it might be provided. Do they need a friend or even help in something that you are good at doing. The target want to be discerning in their decisions. They are thoughtful about how they respond in their actions and words. Thoughtfulness will keep them from lowering their standards and react in an unkind manner.

Bystander: The bystander in any situation of aggression wants to practice thoughtfulness also by observing all of the circumstances and being considerate of the target of bullying. They will give their attention to the needs of others and be thoughtful about how they can help the most. Do they need to get additional help or can they practice their best virtues without further support? Being thoughtful of the target will no doubt brighten and grow the trust between the parties. Everyone enjoys being around a person who is not self-centered and who is always thinking about what they can do to help their friends.

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Having manners or Being mannerly?

Having good manners and being mannerly is two different attitudes.  Having good manners means that we know what the society we are in expects from us in ways of behavior that demonstrate consideration for those around us. Many people can display the desired behaviors and appear in a good light to others.  They may say the requisite Thank you, Your welcome, Please, Excuse me, and many other phrases accepted in our community and society as manners.

Having good manners though is not necessarily being mannerly.  One way that we can observe good manners though that may also show that we have embraced the attitude is by our willingness to express gratitude. Gratitude is the attitude of deep appreciation for even the smallest of gifts that life has bestowed on us. So when we say thank you we do so from our hearts.

We all agree that saying thank you is good manners. Being thankful and expressing thankfulness is much deeper.  There is no need for reminders; we notice the small things including what people have done for us and the beauty around us. We see the abundance we have been provided and often contemplate the richness of our life – even without massive amounts of material things. Being mannerly, having good manners is also about being grateful and continually celebrating life and all the Universe has provided each of us.

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Teaching manners to our children – Part Three

So far in our discussion on teaching manners to our children and getting them to use their manners, we have suggested:

  • We treat our kids with courtesy and use tact when talking to them. We show them empathy and concern if they are hurt.  We use firm but tactful language when correcting.
  • We use gentle language and kind actions with our spouse as an example. The way we treat our partner tells the kids a lot about how to handle others both in and out of the family.
  • We talk to our kids about the volunteer work that we do.  Explain to them the hurt and suffering that another may be going through.  Then helping them see how we take action because we feel their pain.
  • We choose the manners that are most important to our family and teach them how to express themselves and act in a way that is seen by our family and community as using good manners.

 

The final three suggestions about teaching manners are all about discipline.  When we teach our children, it is not about the negative consequences that come with us.  It is only about teaching them, giving them the opportunity to follow the example we set for them.  Disciplining is about teaching, guiding and helping them to meet the standards of our family. Here are three suggestions in this regard.

 

    1. Help the child connect the behavior and the feelings of others.  When emotions are not in the way of learning, we want to help our children see the connection between our words, the tone of voice and attitude, to how others feel.  We can do this by explaining how we felt when a particular incident took place.  The story we tell might be real or made up.  But children, like adults, need stories.  Then check in with them to see if they have had an experience like that. Saying to a child, “Now look how you made him feel,” is not the way we get them to learn empathy, especially when in the middle of the heated moment. (more on this later)

 

  1. Give your child the words they need to express themselves.  When children are young, they have about 3 or 4 words to describe their emotions. Mad, Sad, Happy, Nice.  That sums up their vocabulary unless we give them a bigger vocabulary.  I have attached a list of emotion words that you can help your child learn by using them yourself with them.  Of course, you need to help them understand the meanings of them, but soon they will be expressing themselves with their real feelings and not just getting angry.
  2. Correct them in a positive manner.  Several parenting styles used are universal.  Only one of them is useful in building your relationship as a parent with your child and getting them to practice good manners.  It is not permissive (I let my kids choose how they respond to others). Nor is it authoritarian (you have to say it this way, or you are grounded! You are embarrassing the whole family), The most confusing to the child is the sliding style (sometimes permissive, at times authoritative, other times positive – just depending on the mood).   Then there is positive disciplining.  I am sure you know what works the best – long term.

Over the past couple of weeks, we have discussed how to help our children learn and use good manners. If anyone would like more help with parenting questions, please feel free to call or send an email. I look forward to sharing my step by step method for parents to bring out the best in their children and themselves, focusing on the values and virtues that are the most important in their family.

Part One: Teaching manners to children

Part Two: Teaching manners to children

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Teaching Children Empathy with Manners

As an adult we are put into all kinds of situations that call for us to be, shall we say, civil.  We ask, “How are you?” As a part of seeing or meeting someone.  We may find ourselves saying, “Thank you,” when there was no real feeling of sincere gratitude.  We did not even think about it; the words just came out of our mouth.  So in the world of manners, we all agree that sometimes it is fake.  Other times it comes from our mouths as rote words.

 

Why would we expect that every time our children receive a gift or service from someone that they will remember to say “thank you”?  In their younger days the world revolves around them, they are self-centered, and they have not learned about empathy.  Here are two more suggestions to help our children learn good manners for the society where they live. These tips may also help them to develop the virtue of empathy.

 

  1. Show them how to demonstrate empathy.  When we are aware of someone being sick or hurt, being that empathetic person, we will go out of our way to assist them.  When we do an act of kindness like that, we want to talk to our kids about why we took this action. When we serve others in our volunteer work, explain the hurt and suffering that you are trying to assist them.  Then give your children the opportunity to experience giving to those in need. It may begin with their siblings and you.  Then it might grow to help in a project that they can see the good they are doing.  You are now building empathy and behaviors to match.
  2. Teach the manners that are important to you.  Children do not come born with manners.  They have to be taught the manners of the culture where they grow up.  In your community is saying “Yes sir, Yes ma’am” seen as being respectful?  Is looking people in the eye and saying thank you appreciated by those in authority?  What are the expectations of your family, the teachers, police officers, government officials of proper decorum?  Whatever the answer is to those questions, you want to teach your child the expectations and give them the opportunity to practice.

 

As we teach our kids the expected way of respectful conversation and giving them the opportunity to practice, we are laying the groundwork for them.  It may seem fake at first but remember your grown-up experience. If they practice, though, soon they will be known for their courtesy, caring, generosity, helpfulness, kindness, respect, service, and tact.  Which of those virtues would you like your child to be known for exhibiting?

Like to see the first two suggestions – Click here