We are not always going to feel confident. We are not always going to be sure that we can reach the goals we have set for ourselves and then when we have a set back we need to recheck our attitude again to be sure we are not talking to ourselves in that grumpy voice, saying something like – You can’t do this.
It may be a test, meeting new people, a new sport, or something that we have failed at before that challenges our confidence. It is at that time that we may need to talk to a friend or adult just to be sure we are thinking in the correct manner. It is highly unlikely that a friend or adult is going to tell us, “just give up – you can’t do that.” Just like we would be thee for them they will be there for us. Our job is not to give up and to look for ways to adjust and achieve our goals.
Alabama, UBBT, Mr. Joe
This morning I am about 24 hours away from leaving for Alabama to spend 5 days with like minded martial artist in a setting that many would ask, “What does that have to do with martial arts?”
It is a learning experience for me. It is an opportunity for me to take the lessons I have learned on the mat like perseverance and put them into application in the real world. In this setting I can see the lessons my instructor is teaching in action. Taking all of the organizational, motivational and deep thinking skills and putting them into practice.
It is a time to demonstrate acts of kindness and peace and to honor those before us who have done the same. Martial arts may be about self defense, but in fact it is kindness, empathy, tolerance and celebration of differences that create peace. If the ideal meaning of health is energy – the ideal meaning of peace is happiness.
This trip is also a lesson in teaching leadership. Leadership is demonstrated by doing not just by sitting in a classroom and learning techniques of making people listen to you. The lessons I would like for all of our students to learn is about leadership. Thinking for oneself and doing something about what we see needs to be done.
See my journey in the UBBT at MY JOURNEY
Teaching “failure tolerance”
When a child is learning to walk, we cheer their every attempt. Finally after many “failures” they gain a single step and then all of us cheer wildly. One day in a Tiger Tot class one of the siblings just about a year old took his first step. All the moms were cheering right in class. The young child takes all this in and keeps trying until finally walking is no big deal.
But sometimes as parents when the child is older we try to lessen the suffering of not reaching a goal or success. We might do it by taking the blame on our selves or by punishing the child hoping that he will learn not to make that mistake again. In the end when we make to big a deal about failures or mistakes, we are not helping them keep from making the same mistake again.
In fact what we may be doing is ensuring that the child may not want to risk again. They feel the need to cower and hide from opportunities that could, possibly, maybe, end up in a mistake. They may be afraid to explore their own dialogue. In fact they may end up being driven by external forces in making decisions about what is right for them to do. Once any of us look at the external forces for making a decision choosing what we are willing to risk, our confidence suffers.
We are now open to being swayed by whatever the latest fashion or trend is and not taking the time to ask ourselves, “What is the right thing to do,” “for me” not anyone else just me. As parents our responsibility is to let the child know how remarkable it was that they made the attempt and point out the good that came from it, including the the things they did well within their failed attempt.
We must be careful not to dwell on the mistake, but to celebrate the successes and move forward. Allow ourselves or our children to work out how to overcome the adversity.
How to gain confidence from failure
We must try to remember that failure and the suffering that follows can be a wonderful gift to our children. We have to believe and have faith that they can handle it without falling apart. The bottom line is that we need to have confidence in our children and their capabilities of greatness maybe even in areas that surprise us.
Children are born with self-confidence. They will maintain this confidence as long as we as parents and teachers do not bring up their failures and mistakes. We would never have thought to have said to our one year old, “You failed at walking again!” It is not fair to the child to not allow them the room to have internal dialogue and to explore what really happened and how they can do better next time.
What does this have to do with martial arts? In our martial arts training not everything is going to come easy. We are not going to be perfect the first time we try something. In fact we may fail many times before we get it right. So many times when we are teaching jumping rope, a child will struggle for a very long time and then all of a sudden it comes together for them. I love it when I ask them, “How did you do it?” and they just blurt out “I Practiced”. Practice has a way of building confidence. Not just the repetition over and over, but rather the careful study in practice of what is working and what is not and then making the adjustments.
If we allow our children the opportunity to practice this way the lessons they will learn will be life long ones.
When we are not confident
Last night in our classes I talked to the students about how we talk to ourselves when we are not feeling confident. So many times when we are not feeling confident is when we are going into a new situation of something we do not know what to expect, trying something new, maybe a test or a challenge at work that seems insurmountable.
The way we talk to ourselves at that time will have an impact on how we react to those situations. If we talk in a negative way, “you can’t do this”, “this is not going to work out”, “you know they are going to reject you”, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We get what we see is going to happen so often.
I called this the “grumpy voice” that is inside our head. Do you have one of them? Most of us do! If we had an acquaintance who had doubts about a situation, we would never talk to them like that though, would we? So why would we talk to ourselves like that? Lets find a better way of talking to ourselves and get rid of that “grumpy voice”.
I do not believe in just positive messages to ourselves. If we say “there are no weeds”, “there are no weeds”, “there are no weeds”, and there are weeds, it really is of no help. The real questions are different than that. Next time the real questions. For now though think about the messages you say to yourself. Would you say them to a friend, and if not, then don’t say them to yourself.
Continuing to learn
This morning I sit in a hotel room anxiously awaiting the start of this day. Today is the first day of a 4 day workshop / seminar with Anthony Robbins. When I first signed up for this I was happy that I had but not nearly as excited by the idea as I am now. Here is the reason.
In the month of February I took an 8 hour workshop on time management with the Franklin Quest facilitator. I thought going in I knew about time management – I thought I knew the Steven Covey message. Coming out of it though I realized that I did not know as much as I thought I did. in fact since that time I have become more productive. Not in the sense of how much I am getting done. No rather in the sense of how many important things I am getting done.
It has allowed me to have accomplishments and not feel stressed doing it. Now here I am at the threshold of a new workshop. I come into this one too, thinking I know a little about Tony Robbins message. Will I come away with a whole new picture? Will I be as renewed and reinvigorated as a white belt seeing this stuff for the first time?
I am approaching it as a white belt, with an empty cup, ready to be taught and ready to accept and practice what I learn. If any of you have ever thought about attending a seminar that you thought may impact you, I would encourage you to do so. The money spent doing it will no doubt be well worth it. It is also a great example to your students – that you are still working on yourself too. I will tell you about my experience as the days go by.