Joe Van Deuren |

September 20, 2013

Power Struggles With Children Is A NO WIN Situation

If you do not want to go through the teenage years with your children in a hostile environment, with resentment, resistance and rebellion being the 3 R’s – then the goal now when they are young, is to build a close, safe and trusting atmosphere. If you are experiencing power struggles with young children now, as the parent you have the choice in what life will be like in the teen years. Why? How?

It takes two to create a power struggle!

Taking part in a power struggle with a child is an NO WIN situation. As the parent you will never win and even if it looks like you did (read they do what you want them to do) they will get you back. As a parent we are looking for the balance – a child who is learning self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, problem and conflict solving skills – not an extreme approval seeking child or one that will not do anything they are asked to do without resistance.

When a child is interested in demonstrating their power, the adult should not be looking to win or just giving in because it is easier. There are other choices that will create a WIN WIN for each of you.

Know what you want
Know what you will do
Follow through

In upcoming posts we will see how to make these 3 steps a part of who we are as a parent.

September 18, 2013

Learning To Set Goals Is Leadership Training

One critical need to be filled by a leader is to set goals and then articulate them in a manner to others in their group to inspire them to action. To be able to do this effectively the leader will have already been experienced in setting goals and achieving them in their personal lives.

For a young person they may have a goal of learning to ride their bike or learning to swim. As the parent we want to give them the words for this so they know that they are not just doing something that is fun – but they have set a goal. On the journey to learning to swim there will be highs and lows, difficulties and victories. In the end though they accomplish what they set out to do.

As the kids get older we can help them to set higher goals, for themselves and as they participate with groups, sports or competitive teams or play in an orchestra they will have both personal and group goals. Helping them to appreciate the need for goal setting and learning how to name them, write them down, work at achieving, changing our plans if we need to, are all steps to building a leader.

Imagine what our life might be like if we did not set goals for ourselves. We would not know where we were heading, what we were working for or how we can get there. It would be like getting on a plane with the plane flying with no known destination. Groups, individuals and causes all perform their best when they know what the outcome is that they are working to achieve.

September 16, 2013

Anger Management : Hot buttons getting pushed?

Have you ever said of yourself or of others, “They really are pushing my buttons!”? When our “buttons” get pushed we many times react or over react, based on the reality of the situation. In fact we may have asked ourselves, where all that anger is coming from.

Our “buttons” are many times our own weaknesses that we see being displayed in others. I know this is true with weaknesses or behaviors we see in our children. If we see them headed down a path that was similar to one that we went down, we want to protect them from that path – it may come out with a burst of anger, hoping to end the trait we see in them.

Our “button” may come from being criticized or shamed for not being decisive, for being incompetent or some other weakness and when we see this in others or are reminded about the trait in ourselves – this can really push our buttons. Even when you see others in pain, it may remind us of our own pain and we may try to change them with our anger.

All of these hot buttons can be pushed in us, but under all of the pain is fear and /or pain. Until we learn to deal with our own pain and fear compassionately, we may continue to see anger showing up in us. This first step of being aware of these ‘secondary factors’ that intensify anger, is necessary to learning to manage our anger.

Anger management coaching for children is available at Balanced Life Skills

September 13, 2013

October: Preventing Domestic Violence & Bullying

There are two awareness campaigns that take place annually in October that are important to creating a culture of peace in our community and the world. First it is National Bully Prevention Month and second it is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

These two areas of needed awareness contain similarities and can even be related.

Domestic violence occurs when one person believes they are entitled to control another.
Bullying occurs with a power imbalance and one person attempts to control another.

Domestic violence may include spousal relationships, dating, children, elderly abuse
Bullying may involve children, adults, elderly, workplace or domestic relationships

Domestic violence may be physical, verbal, emotional
Bullying may be physical, verbal or emotional

Domestic violence victims may become fearful, depressed, withdrawn, confused etc..
Bullying victims may become depressed, physically sick, sleep deprived, anxious etc..

Domestic violence occurs at a higher rate to those with disabilities.
Bullying occurs at a higher rate to those with disabilities.

Domestic violence victims are many times slow to report their abuse.
Bullying victims are many times slow to report their abuse.

Children who witness domestic violence or are abused themselves in some manner, many times will learn the same behaviors and become the bully and or violent with others. As they grow older those same children may become abusers in dating, spousal relationships, or even with their own children.

Included in domestic violence is teen dating violence, which is one of the major sources of violence in teen life. Our goal of education in compassion, awareness and respect is needed in these areas of domestic violence and bullying more than ever – if we are to create a culture of peace in our community and world. In this month ahead, what can we do to educate ourselves and our children on these topics? Here at Balanced Life Skills I will be talking to our students and writing on our website about violence and bullying. As always we are here to help families and individual children develop their own place of peace and be compassionate, aware and respectful of others.

September 11, 2013

Active Listening Improves All Relationships

Every time we talk about listening I have to admit to my students that this is a skill that I am still working on personally. The first reminder is that we listen to either learn, understand, or for enjoyment. What we hear and then remember is less than you might think (there is no real scientific studies on this that I could find) some saying 10% and others up to 50%. I believe either of these numbers may be high for some people. Is it any wonder that we have misunderstandings, rifts in relationships and directions that are not followed through on?

It is most likely that you have heard of “active listening”, as it is taught by most leadership instructors and talked about by most counselors. This is when you not only hear the words the other person is saying, but you get the message they are sending to you. Occasionally nodding your head or other gestures lets them know that you are still involved in the conversation. There is more!

Putting aside your own thoughts, how you might present a rebuttal, why this person is wrong allows us the mental capacity to listen, not just to their words, but their body language too. Your goal is to get the whole message and feeling that this person is trying to get across to you. Being able to respond in a way that shows empathy and understanding of the persons thoughts and feelings can only happen if you hear the words and emotions as shown in the whole person.

It is very easy to discourage the speaker from telling their story with your body language, by giving attention to others in the room, or if you are not encouraging them with small verbal comments or even a question or two, showing your interest in understanding. In the end you may want to ask questions to be sure the meaning of their words matches the meaning that you heard. Before asking those kind of questions though, give the speaker the opportunity to complete their thought – otherwise they may lose their thought process.

These listening skills are appropriate for the workplace, for spouses and for children. No matter the speaker, we want to feel like we were heard and responded to respectfully. When we do not get that feeling, it is very easy to shut down or not tell the whole story. The process of listening takes a lot of concentration and determination. Old habits are hard to break, but doing so will strengthen your ability to be a leader and all of your relationships.

September 10, 2013

Learning to Listen is Leadership 101

Great leaders are not the ones that talk the loudest or the most.

When great leaders speak though – people do listen. The reason they listen is most likely not just about power, but rather that in past times the leader has been a great listener. They have been willing to give credibility to the ideas and needs of those around them.

When teaching young people to listen we emphasize the need to keep their eyes open and on the person who is talking to them. They need to show interest and understanding of what is being said by nodding their head, asking questions and be able to repeat back to the person the gist of what was said.

They must keep their ears open listening not just to the words being spoken, but the inflection in the voice, listening for deeper meanings – again asking questions to be sure that you really understand the position, question or issue that the person would like to address.

Finally they must learn to keep their mouths closed – not talking over the other person or interrupting them to express their own ideas. I love the way the American Indians had a “talking stick” that others did not speak until the person holding the talking stick gave it up.

One of the biggest distractions we can have as a listener is what is going on in our own head. Thinking of what we are going to say, how we might prove the other person wrong or present our ideas in a stronger manner is not good listening, not it is not good leadership. Leadership requires that we are willing to hear and meet the needs of those in our sphere of influence. Failure to do so may eliminate our ability to lead those in an effective manner.