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Self control: doing the right thing

When we apologize quickly and sincerely we can fix many of the mistakes we make due to the lack of self control.  But there is another way that ‘doing the right thing’ comes into play when we talk about self control.  That is by thinking for ourselves even when our friends want us to do something that we don’t think is right.  All of us are going to find ourselves in a position when someone; schoolmate, friend, workmate, boss, is going to ask us to do something that does not feel right to us and then the question is, “Will we use our thinking ability and self control to not give in to peer pressure and do something that we will regret later?” 

The same S.T.E.P. is required for this situation also.  First we need to Stop and not say or do the first thing that comes into our head.  Then we need to THINK about the possible solutions to the situation.  Then we need to EVALUATE all of the possible solutions.  (Is it the right thing to do, will it work, is it safe, is it fair?)  Then we need to PROCEED. 

No matter whether we are an adult or a teen when we proceed in a situation that calls for us to stand up to peer pressure we first must Stand Tall, Look them in the eyes, say NO like we mean it, and why you won’t do it.  Being assertive is the key to success in our quest to demonstrate self control.  This is not being mean, angry or vindictive.  We simply are following our plan to stay in control of our lives – not allowing others to persuade us to do something that we do not believe is the right thing to do. 

We teach this to our children by demonstrating on small scale these attributes.  When we spill something or break something we fix it.  If we hurt someones feelings, we fix it.  When we are asked to be a part of a gossipy conversation we take a stand.  Our expectations for ourselves and our children will be demonstrated on a daily basis so that they see self control in action.  Even in our diet;  what we eat and drink, how much we eat and drink, how and when we exercise, our sleeping habits all are a demonstration of our self control.  Helping our children to see how we do this and the example of others that we can show them is key to them growing up with this quality.

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Sea of Plastics

You may have heard me talk about environmental self defense.  As a part of my training this year, I have been challenged to not only reduce the amount of plastic that I personally use by 40 to 90%, but also to educate those around me about the effects of plastics on the rest of our environment.

One of the individuals who is doing research on this subject is Captain Charles Moore.  Capt. Moore is founder of the Algalita Marine Research Foundation.  He discovered what is now called the Garbage Patch in the Pacific Ocean and is currently studying the effect of plastic pollution on our planets oceans.  The Garbage Patch is a very large area of the Pacific Ocean that due to the way the seas and wind move has trapped a great deal of the the garbage from many countries, including the United States, in an area in the ocean.  

Captain Moore was introduced to the world in a very public way at TED Talks, one of my favorite websites.  Soon the world knew of his work and discovery.  Part of Captain Moore’s team is Joel Paschal who is also acting as a consultant to the Ultimate Black Belt Test in our efforts to teach self defense from a “global” perspective.

More to the point though let’s do three things this year.

  1. Absorb the research and understand how plastic use and the oceans are connected to self-defense.
  2. Make a personal pledge to reduce the amount of plastics we use.
  3. Represent this material in our community –embrace at least one “environmental self-defense” project as a part of your belt test or just your commitment to protecting our earth.

Here are two links that will help
To learn about the material, go to this VPS.TV report on CNN
You can see Captain Moore on www.TED.COM talking about his work.

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Self Control: Apologizing

We don’t always get it right.  We do mess up.  We say things we want to take back and do things that are not safe or fair and they do hurt others.  We may make a big mess of things at times.  Benjamin Franklin said, “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”  Have you found yourself sometimes wishing you didn’t say something or do something due to momentary lack of self control?  Of course – all of us have.

Just recently in a meeting of about 60 people I called out unnecessarily the faults of a group of individuals.  I thought I was doing it in a kind yet reminding sort of way, only to realize as it came out of my mouth that it did not come out the way I wanted it to.  It took me  months to overcome that slip, to regain the confidence of the group.  These things happen, but the question is what can and should we do?

Saying “I am sorry”, is so powerful when done in a sincere manner.  When we say those words we are taking the responsibility for the words or actions that we took.  Whether the act was by accident or a bad choice we must first take the responsibility and then make amends.  To apologize can take a great deal of courage and self control.  It could be that what we said was not wrong it just may have been “the wrong thing at the tempting moment”, and we may be embarrassed by our action.  We may be scared too.  If we are a small child and we know we have done something that hurt someone or that is not in line with our family rules / principles, we may be scared and it will take a lot to admit we are wrong and work on making things better.

I might suggest that how we do this is just as important as doing it.  Whether we are kids or adults, looking the other person/s in the eye and admitting our mistake and then asking how we can make things better takes a great deal of strength – but in the end our ability to do so and to listen to the feelings of others will have a great impact on the relationship of all parties.  Teaching our children how to do this by role playing and by example is key to this aspect of self control.

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Self control: asking permission

Today we are going to talk about asking permission.  What does asking permission have to do with self control?  It starts at a very young age.  When a child wants a toy or crayons that someone else is using or has in their possession, the first thing that pops in their head is to grab it and take it for themselves.  Then as they get older they may use things that belong to their siblings or friends without asking.  As teens this may evolve into going out or to places without clearing it first with their parents.  As adults we may do things because we feel we have the right to do so (because we are adults).

What would happen if as a 5 year old we just grabbed the markers out of the hand of another child?  Is it safe or fair?  Will that solution work?  Of course not, we expect that we would learn to ask nicely without grabbing or yelling.  So we say “Excuse me, may I use that marker when you are done?”  As we get older We can begin to learn about respecting the rights of others and their property.  Even as pre-teens we learn that it is the respectful thing to ask for permission from our siblings and friends if we want to use their video game, or other possession.  Then we return it when we say we will.  This begins to build trust and respect for each other.

As we get older and have more freedom though we want to remember that just because we have the right to do something does not mean that it is the respectful thing to do.  Asking for permission for things that we want and need, instead of just taking them, helps to build trust and respect.  If as a teen you are spending the evening at a friends house and they decide to go visit another persons house, it builds trust and respect if we call and ask permission from our parents.  Why should we do this?  Using our empathy imagine how mom and dad would feel if they called for you and you were not where you said you would be.  They would first be very frightened and then upset and then they would begin to not trust you for your word.  A simple phone call would resolve all of that and create a better relationship with your parents.

Having said that about our kids it is time for us as parents to examine how we treat them.  If we are going out do we let others know where we are going and what time we expect to return.  If this is not a practice we have, we cannot expect our children to do any different.  In fact they are going to believe that being a grown up means you can do what you want, when you want, without telling anyone.  Taking this simple step of – self control – has far reaching impact on our relationships with our family and friends.


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Self control: using manners

For us adults it may seem to be a silly subject to bring up about using manners requiring the use of self control.  I have found though that listening very deeply is very hard to do. What I mean by that is that as our child, spouse, workmate or someone trying to help us in the store is trying to tell us something, that many times we are thinking about the point we want to make or what we want to say – while they are talking.  This may lead right into interrupting them or finishing their sentence – so we can get our thoughts in to the conversation.  Now while we correct our children for interrupting us while we are on the phone or speaking to another adult, they are watching us do the same to others.  Oh how funny it is that the things that bother us about our children the most are the very habits and attitudes that we see in ourselves.

So here are a few things to remember when we may need to interrupt a conversation.  Lets use an example of mom talking to a teacher with her child beside her.  Lets say the child wants to ask a question of mom.  (so many times the questions they want to ask are not about the conversation but rather about what they want to do now or later in the day)  Of course it would not be self control to whine or just to blurt something out while tugging on the sleeve of mom.  In fact as the child gets older they would want to learn what was appropriate to question at this time and what should wait. 

The self controlled way of dealing with this is to (1) wait for a break in the conversation; (2) say “excuse me” and (3) ask nicely (one time, not whining or demanding)  Now their may be times that waiting is notnecessary , and that would be in the case of an emergency.  As our children get a little older we can help them to appreciate what asking nicely includes.  Things like tone of voice, facial expressions and the words we say.

In my mind though it all begins with respect for the other persons thoughts and rights to express them.  It begins with our being interested in how the other person feels about a subject and our willingness to ‘listen deeply’ to be sure we understand how they feel, with an emphasis on others.

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Self control: yields consequences

Every decision or choice we make results in a consequence.  Now that can be a good or a bad consequence.  If our choice results in a good consequence we get rewards, and if our choice that we make results in a bad consequence then the results can vary.  It may be a punishment, or a bad feeling within ourselves or a loss of a privilege.  Just to take the time to examine the possible results will help us many times to make a decision that we will be pleased with in the long run. 

If we choose to work hard in school or at an activity, this will result in us feeling good about ourselves and some form of success in that activity.  We may improve in a skill, better our grades in a class, be chosen to help others.   If we choose to give our time or money to a charity, this will result in our feeling good about being of help and we may see the results of our efforts.  For instance recently I heard of an organization called Shelter Box.  This is a box that is sent to disaster areas like Haiti and in the box is a tent for ten people and all sorts of supplies needed for living including 6 months supply of water purification tablets.  This organization allows you to track the box that you contributed toward so you can follow where it has been sent and is being used. 

If on the other hand we choose to lie to our parents, workmates, spouse or if we choose to cheat or steal in some manner then we will most likely be found out and will suffer some form of punishment.  But lets say for some reason we are not found out and not punished in a public way.  The hurt and damage done to ourselves, the way we feel about ourselves is long lasting.  Every time we make a choice like that we damage our ability to be true to ourselves and others. 

So how do we make good choices and practice self control?  One way is to get into the habit of asking ourselves 3 questions:  (1) Is the choice I make going to work?  (2) Is this a safe solution?  (3) Is this fair to myself and to others?  Then evaluate them as compared to all the options and make a choice – not just doing the first thing that pops into our head!