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The Four stages of anger: the spark

In our last post we talked about Stage one: The buildup.  Now on to Stage two: The spark

The spark is the ‘thing’ that sets off an angry outburst.  There are two varieties of sparks, one is external and one is internal.  Both are difficult to see coming and both are influenced by the buildup.  We have all seen two young children who normally play together just fine and then for some unknown reason one begins to give the other the cold shoulder and then just as quickly they will play together again as if nothing happened.  At the other extreme we may see a child and parent who have a long history of mutual antagonism, have a complete blow up over something as simple as the phone ringing or the type of clothing they are wearing. 

Other external sparks may be as common as a parent asking “go clean your room”, “go to bed”, “turn off the TV”, “I am not buying this today”, or if the child was ignored, teased had a physical accident, or got caught breaking a rule.

On the other hand the spark may not be visible at all and be instead an internal thought, that sparks an angry reaction.  They seem to come out of nowhere when there is an angry action.  Somehow the child has had a thought that they linked to some event in the past, that once they started thinking about it they could not control the angry impulse, and some sort of action was taken.  It could be a sudden outburst or a physical action of hitting someone.  Unfortunately these angry thoughts can be set off when a child has a memory of a bad event, or it can be simply from their imaginations, or some combination of real and distorted memory. 

Let’s look at an example that illustrates how it may happen.  Lets say we have a child that erupts into a fit of anger at being told that it is time to go to bed.  Now this seems hard to explain or understand because it just seems out of proportion to the request.  We want to be sure that we don’t mistake the spark for the problem itself.  Now is the time to look at the buildup and what preceded the spark.  Do they think they are being babied?  Did they homework not completed that they are worried about?  Do they know that if they throw a tantrum that they get to stay up an extra half hour?  Or are they tired from having stayed up the night before?  If we can get beyond what has just happened we may find the way to douse the spark.

In fact, dousing or defusing the spark is our main goal at this time.  Learn to recognize what sparks your child’s anger, or your own for that matter, and act decisively to address the matter before it becomes full blown rage.  Later in our blog we will be talking about “Anger Guards”, that for the moment I will describe as knowing what it is that sets us off, pushes our buttons or gets under our skin.  At this stage we must take the time to recognize this in our children and ourselves. 

At a later date there will be strategies to address the Spark Stage discussed in this blog.

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Manners: the way we say words

Have you ever noticed that the word please and thank,  sometimes come out of mouths almost like “well I have to say it” sort of attitude.  In fact in our efforts to teach ‘manners’ to our children they may say it just to please us parents, without the spirit of the words behind them.  On the other side of that, children may begin to believe that the word “please” is indeed a ‘magic’ word that will work for anything that they want.  (As parents sometimes we tell them that)

No wonder they soon start using it as a magic word.  It goes something like this.  We are in a store and they see a toy that they really want and they ask for it.  “Mom will you buy this toy for me?”  and just as quickly out of our mouths comes the words ” No, not today.”  Suddenly they remember that you told them “What’s the magic word?”  one time and so they try it.  “Please can you buy it for me? Please, Please, Please, Please….” until we cannot deal with it any more and we as parents do one of two things.  We either get angry and snap at them or we give in and buy it for them.

I told a group of students the other day, that this was disrepectful of their parents and that “”Please” does not trump the word NO”.  When a child begins to believe that the word please is a magic word instead of being a word that we use to show respect for the other person they may begin demanding with it.  Yes the way we say something, or the way we use our words, is just as important as what we say. What a child is saying to a parent in effect is – I don’t believe that your word NO is what you really mean and if I say magic words enough or strong enough, you will give in and I will get what I want. 

As we teach our children about manners it is really the ultimate form of empathy, a characteristic we have talked about before.  The use of the words please, thank you, your welcome, are all ways of being considerate, respectful and kind to each other. 

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Manners: saying please & thank you

This month we will be talking about manners.  Now while that seems like a subject that every parent deals with, trying to raise children who are considerate and respectful of others, well even the children understand that we do not see manners being displayed as much as they should be.  Did you notice that I did not say “as they used to be”, though that could be said too, but we are dealing with the NOW, not the THEN.

Fred Astaire is quoted as saying, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”  As leaders, parents, teachers manners are important.  We often show others how we should act toward each other.

The first thing we teach our youngsters in regard to manners universally is, “don’t forget to say please and thank you.”  When we use these words it is just like tacking on the words “with respect” to every sentence.  How much nicer it sounds and more willing we are to comply when we are asked to do something with a “please” attached as opposed to demanding it to be done. 

In fact the way we say something makes a difference in the way it is heard and the response you will get, no matter the age of the receiver.  If we demand – “Give me a piece of candy” –  versus  – “May I please have a piece of candy?” makes the giver feel less respected and valued.  It is in fact a demeaning manner of speaking.  When we use manners though it shows kindness in everything we say and do!

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The four stages of anger: the buildup

I have been looking at this subject of anger, looking for ways to help our students to find ways of dealing with the anger that they feel in a manner that gives them good results.  As we discussed this in our classes last month I could feel the pain and frustration of parents too, as they tried to deal with their children who expressed their anger at surprising moments or with such intensity that it set us back a bit. 

That brought me to discover a book that described the four stages of anger for a child and really for any of us.  The four stages are (1) the buildup, (2) the spark, (3) the explosion, (4) the aftermath.  Today I am going to describe the first one and on subsequent days we will describe the others with a follow up on how to deal with them.

When we observe the explosion of anger (stage 3), we sometimes mistaken that for where the feeling began.  In fact the display of anger can be something that is building for a period of time before the explosion.  The buildup is stage one and this sets the foundation upon which the anger is built.  It is the child’s history of experiences, stresses and stage of development. It could be due to teasing, losing a game, exclusion, fatigue, hunger, illness, defeatist attitudes, specific worries low self esteem.  These things could have occurred 2 hours ago or over the past 2 years or more.

Every child is going to react differently in those situations.  So one child who loses a game may just accept it and move on, finding ways to improve and hoping to do better next time, while another child may feel totally different about losing and that combined with some other factor may begin to feel the feelings of anger building up inside of them.  Now they may not express it or even recognize it for being anger but there it is boiling inside.  Just like adults this can also be brought on by other outside forces including being tired or hungry.  I know for myself, if I am hungry then my fuse is a great deal shorter.  I may not break out into an angry outburst, but I know that I am a great deal shorter with people and have a significantly reduced amount of patience.

Our goal as parents at that time is to prevent an outburst.  So how do we do this?  Parents can influence their childs anger in the buildup stage by avoiding a source of pain, solving the problem, or directing the child down the path toward a workable solution before they grow out of control. So to break that down, if you know your child gets irritable when they are tired then we need to be sure that they get the rest that they need, naps at the right time.  Sometimes that is inconvenieint for us as parents – but that is part of parenting.  Same thing goes for hunger, but if the child has defeatist attitude then we need to slowly help them to see how they are getting better at a skill by giving them opportunities to practice the skill they are lacking in.  I must say too that our personally comparing our child with another, whether it is a friend or a sibling will not help them to appreciate their own value.  Our goal is to help them to see the things they are good at and to help them persevere in skills so they can celebrate the improvements.

Finally when we talk about a parent “solving the problem”, this can be a slippery slope.  If we are always there solving the challenges or problems that our children face we will end up with a child unable to get creative about solving their own problems.  They will always want to run back to a parent to get things fixed.  What does this have to do with anger?  Our self esteem cannot be raised by others stepping in and fixing things for us.  Even if the child does not solve it perfectly if they are able to work through challenges with our encouragement, they will come out of the situation with a better feeling about themselves.  For instance, lets say two siblings are have a mild disagreement and it starts to get louder.  As a parent we would like to get our peace and quiet back, but if we step in and put an end to it we have not really helped them develop skills for solving problems.  We may want to remind them of skills we have talked about previously and then let them work it out.  This is a building process that over time will help our children. 

To sum this up being aware of the buildup will equip us as parents in helping our child not explode.  It can be used on ourselves too.  I often ask myself when I feel the anger building, “What am I feeling?, What is bringing this on?, Is there other factors that is making this bigger than it really is becoming?”  When I do this many times I can calm myself down or fix the issue before it gets me in trouble.

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Manners: Definitions

Each month we define and discuss a word of character development with all of our students.  This month the word is Manners.  It will be defined this way.

Young students:  “Showing kindness in everything I say and do!”

Older students:  Manners means:  Words and behaviors that show respect for other people.

If you would like to see how we will deal with this subject with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of April.



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Anger management: speaking calmly

When it comes to solving the situation that faces us, we know that using our words in effective ways is key to calming down any of our responses.  We have learned from others that expressing our feelings and why we feel that way to the other person is the first step.  We will want to use “I” messages, no matter what age they are.  None of us want to hear someone blame us for something or tell us don’t do this or that.  It does not matter if we are a youngster or an adult.  What touches us is when we know how our action affected the feelings of another person. Recognizing those feelings is practicing empathy.

So if I am a child I may say, ” I feel angry when you kick my blocks down”, and if we are talking to our parents we want to say, “I feel frustrated (angry, disappointed or whatever the feeling is) when I do not get to have a play date.”  Then the conversation begins with more control and less emotions of the moment. 

When parents set the example by doing the same in return to their children, it models to the child anger management.  None of us want to or set out to hurt each other. Learning to calm ourselves down before we make a choice that we regret later is one of the most important self defense we will ever practice.