Teaching our children to have resilience means that we must teach them how to solve problems, adversity, frustrations and overcome challenges. This is not done by telling them what to do, but rather helping them to clarify for themselves how to resolve the issue they are facing. How we do this is with questions and allowing them the time to think and express themselves.
Let’s look at a possible situation you may face with your child. If your child comes to you with a problem like someone is picking on them at school we may have a strong emotional response and want to know who what where when and even why. If we were to ask any of those questions first, we are in danger of cutting off the conversation immediately, as the child first wants us to know what and how they are feeling and they do not want you to jump in and solve the issue.
Here are the steps to follow to help them learn resilience.
- Identify the problem
- Brainstorm solutions
- Try one of the solutions
- Repeat until you have resolution.
- Ask them (Step 1) what is happening and how they are feeling about the problem
- Watch carefully and listen with patience. If they begin to cry, allow the tears, and you may ask, what the tears are about.
- You may (Step 2) ask them what they would like to do about the situation. Again give them time.
- Suggest that we might make a list of possible solutions or responses. There is no reaction to any of the ideas they come up with, even if they are far fetched, would bring adverse consequences or simply not going to work in your mind.
- Be patient. Encourage adding more to the list even if it is at a later time.
- Once you have a list of at least 5-10 options, then ask them what would happen if they did each of them. So if they said sometimes they would just like to hit them, only ask what the consequence would be and without emotion just write it down or have them write it down.
- Now you have two lists; one of the actions and one of the consequences.
- “Which one would you like to try first?” – Allow them to decide.
They have taken the first step in resilience.
Brainstorm possible solutions, choose one you would like to try.
(Step 3) is to try it. This process can be (Step 4) repeated with any of the possible actions listed. You may need to help them practice what they choose to do, and you will want to follow up with them and see how or if it worked or if they want to try something different. But you are now teaching them the basics of practicing resilience.
Follow the process:
- Identify the problem
- Brainstorm solutions
- Try one of the solutions
- Repeat until you have a resolution.
Coaching resilience is one of the most valuable gifts we can give to our child. Jumping in, rescuing or solving their problems does not in the long term help them face the world we live in.
There is much more we can do to build resilience in our children and to bring out the best in them and ourselves. If you are interested in attending a workshop or having a presentation at your school on this subject feel free to contact Joe Van Deuren for information.