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Empathy: Understanding what is said

It is one thing to feel compassion for another person or situation and quite another to be demonstrate empathy.  I think we all can agree that we like to be listened to when we are speaking and even more important to be heard.  Most of the time we are not looking for someone to solve the problem for us – we want to know that someone understands and more important that they care.

One way of being sure that the other person knows that we heard and understood what they were saying is to repeat back to them what we heard them say, using slightly different words, paraphrasing.  When we do this we are sure then that what we understood them to say and what they meant to convey were the same.  For instance if we ask our child to clean their room for this weekend we may have in mind that it be completed prior to other activities on the weekend.  But the child may have only heard the time frame “weekend”  and may feel that as long as it is done by Sunday night that that fills the requirement.  However if they had paraphrased back to us “So you would like me to have my room cleaned by Sunday on this weekend”, immediately we would know that there was a misunderstanding and could correct the situation before there was conflict.

The same is true for understanding the feelings of others.  We may state back to a person, “So you are upset when …..”   Being able to paraphrase effectively helps us to listen more closely and confirms that we understand each other which allows us to be more empathetic.

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Empathy: Communicating feelings

One of the hardest things for all of us is communicating our feelings without blaming the other party for “making” us feel a certain way.  Yet this is one of the most important parts of empathy.  As someone trying to practice empathy we are not just going to let others walk all over us.  We should not give up our  own power and feelings just to make someone else feel good.  That is not a win – win.

 Finding a respectful way of expressing our feelings is key to maintaining this balance.  One way of achieving this is to use “I” messages.  Now we have all heard this before but putting this into practice whether as an adult or a child is difficult without taking our time to respond. 

One suggestion that is key to expressing ourselves respectfully is to take 3 breaths prior to speaking.  Consider quickly how the other person is feeling or what the situation is that created the feelings of the other person.  Once we have done that the message we deliver should be on the lines of  “I feel hurt when you speak to me in that manner.” 

Now having the correct feeling in our mind may be the hard part and we may need to take note of what we are really feeling and why.  So as we teach our children how to use “I feel statements’, we need to teach them feeling words.  This will give them the vocabulary to use and not just use one or two feelings for everything.  They should learn words like angry, frustrated, disappointed, happy, proud, left out, hurt, and how to use them. 

Finally as parents we want to model this when we are talking about other adults, situations at work and especially when we are disciplining our children.  These are teaching moments.  Remember, our children learn more about how to handle things from what we do that from what we tell them to do.

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Empathy: predicting feelings

While it is important to figure out by looking at someone or a situation what someone is feeling, it is just as important to predict how someone may feel if you speak or if you act in a certain way.  When we are able to predict how someone may feel given a set of circumstances, we can gauge how and what we may say or do.  

This is an important social skill that we can teach our children by playing a game with them or by just simple conversation.  We may ask them, “Lauren just moved and will be going to a new school tomorrow. How do you think she will feel?”   We can make up other scenarios that may be applicable to our own children that would be good for them to consider the feelings of others.

When we take children out of the scenario, their own emotions about the situation do not get involved and they can express clearly what may happen.  When the time is appropriate you can compare it to a situation that they are in and it will be easier for them to understand how they may respond with more empathy.

When we are in the middle of a situation, especially if there are emotions involved, it can be very difficult to be empathetic.  Practicing predicting the feelings of others can be helpful for all of us, child or adult.

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Empathy: needs focus on others

Have you ever noticed how many times people are so focused on their own needs, wants and feelings that there is very little time or effort spent on how others might be feeling.   Last month we talked about being open-minded and accepting the differences of each other, and what better way of doing this than to be aware of the needs of others as we make decisions.  To do so effectively we must understand the feelings of other persons.

Some have put it this way, “We must climb inside the other person”, “Walk in their shoes”, to really be able to respond to situations in a way that is empathetic.  The very first step in this process is to be able to read and understand people’s feelings.  This calls for taking the time to listen and observe body language, gestures, tone of voice and other observations to help us understanding the other person. 

The step of listening is so important in this observing.  Not just hearing but ‘deep listening’ , observing where they are coming from and why they be taking the stand that they are taking.  Of course asking good questions and listening closely to the answer without pre-judging or thinking we know the answer is the first key step in being motivated to respond to the needs of others.

How good are you at understanding?  If you were to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 where would you be at this point, and more important – what could you do that would increase the score?  This month lets consider this together and see if we can raise our awareness in ourselves and in those around us. 

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Making choices or living on automatic?

It is that time of the year again when we take a moment to look at our life, where we are and what direction we are headed.  When we make conscious choices that reflect what our goals and vision for our life is, we are taking charge of our life and thinking about the  affect of our choices on our future. 

But when we forget about our deepest desires, we may find ourselves running our life from an automatic mode that generally will find us following the patterns of the past.  This trance we find ourselves in takes no effort, it is very familiar to us.  We just go about our days doing the same thing we always do, without consciously considering the  long term vision we have for our lives. 

What about this year 2010?  What if we were to begin choosing our path?  What if we wrote down our real goals –  ones from the heart – and then consciously made choices that brought us closer to those goals?  The other choice is to spend another year asleep at the wheel, allowing our past way of doing things and our fears  to limit our future and take away our dreams.

That is what Live Like a Champion is about.  Taking one year that we choose how we are going to live and reach our goals.  A year that we gather around ourselves a team of others who want to do the same and that encourage each other to do so.  When we choose the direction we are going it always helps to have others around to support our efforts.  Join me this year in Live Like a Champion.

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Christmas Jar project

I have been moved by the stories I have heard this season about the use of the ‘Christmas Jar’ by families in communties around the United States.  I would like to propose that we start our own tradition at Balanced Life Skills with all of our classes.  The concept teaches a number of lessons that are valuable for all of us.

One lesson is how a little bit of action on a daily basis adds up to a total that yields great results.

Second lesson I draw from this is an awareness we can develop of the needs of our neighbors and the satisfaction we gain by taking action to be kind to others.

Third lesson is taking a moment each day to contemplate what we are grateful for that day.  I would suggest that taking a moment to consider all we have to be thankful for would reduce the desire we have for wanting more. 

I added a page to our site – Christmas Jar Project.  If anyone in our community would like to join in this project please do so on a personal level or with us.  What a great way of practicing kindness.