3 Questions About Authenticity That Influence Your Children

word of month character

Integrity is about being true to yourself, saying what you mean, doing what you know is right for you no matter what others are doing or saying. Integrity is about authenticity. But sometimes it is hard to be our authentic self, especially if we believe others are going to laugh at us or make fun of us if we are different than they are.

For kids, it may be the situation of a popular person picking on another person, and we have to decide if we are going to stick up for them like we have told ourselves we would do. It may be wearing the kind of clothes that we like and not going along with how others are dressing. Or it may be stopping ourselves from gossiping about another person when others are engaging in that activity.

It was Shakespeare who said, “To thine own self be true.” Such genuine and wise words. But how do we know what our truth is, how do we know who we are? It takes time and reflection. If we are a parent or an adult, taking the time to choose who we want to be and how we want to be in life is the first step that takes us away from just going from one reaction to another reaction. Continue reading “3 Questions About Authenticity That Influence Your Children”

3 reasons keeping promises is important

word of month character

If integrity is about knowing right from wrong and telling the truth versus lying, it is also about keeping your word, commitments, and promises. As a young person, their obligations do not hold the weight that they will in later life. But what a child learns about promises and the importance of keeping them will affect them as they get older grow into adulthood.

Just as important for their self-esteem and confidence is keeping the promises they make to themselves. If they tell themselves, they are going to read every day for 20 minutes and then do not follow through they break trust in themselves. This erosion of faith in yourself over time is letting yourself down. Not doing what you tell yourself you will do, is like saying that you do not see yourself as valuable and you will begin to believe that you are not able to do it next time.

Losing the strength to keep promises you make to yourself begins to erode the trust you have in yourself to keep promises to others. Losing that trust from others is difficult to gain back and will take time and effort. So how do you develop this character trait of integrity of your word?

Both with adults and children, we start with the small promises. If we cannot keep the small commitments, then we will not be able to keep the large ones either. On the other hand, if we choose not to keep the big promises it will be easier for us to ignore the ‘small’ promises we make daily.

We may want to write the promise down as we are learning or re-learning to keep our word. Make it clear and measurable. When a promise is vague, especially with children, it is effortless to find a way to work around that commitment. Make that commitment an essential, high priority, to keep the promise. It may also need to perform it quickly or keep a reminder for the time and place that we agreed to complete our pledge.

When we keep our commitment to an activity, team or individual, others will trust us, think of us as mature, reliable individuals. Most important we are honoring ourselves as having value, not feeling disappointed in ourselves or like we let ourselves down again. All of this is true for children and adults.

So the three reasons we can use to explain to our children that keeping promises is important:

  1. Self-esteem and confidence
  2. Keeping faith in yourself
  3. How others view us – mature, reliable and trustworthy

Check out some of the simple starter promises that we can begin our children on so they are building self-esteem as well as trust in themselves while others see them for their integrity. Here is a link to a video about helping children keep their promises.

7 simple steps to teaching children integrity

word of month character

Integrity is about standing up for what we believe is right. With all the virtues inside of each person already we know in our conscience what is right and wrong. In fact, researchers say that by the age of 5 or 6, even children know what feels like the right thing to do. As parents, our responsibility is to articulate to our children what we value the most. As they grow and mature, they will discern their own set of values, but don’t you as the parent want to influence that and lessen the amount of influence that comes from others and media?

What does integrity mean to you? How does it look in your family? For many families, integrity begins with telling the truth and not lying to one another even when we know it may mean a consequence. It may also include keeping our promises, living up to our values, speaking up when we see others being hurt and staying true to ourselves even when there are challenges.

For many parents, though integrity begins with telling the truth to each other. Children at some point will test that boundary, and most parents will feel a level of shock, disappointment, and disbelief that their child has tried this tactic. Before we go into the thought process of them being bad kids or us being bad parents, it is essential to understand the developmental stages a child goes through and possible reasons that they have chosen not to tell the truth.

When kids are as young as two years old, you may hear your first twisting of the truth. It is also the time frame that they begin to pretend play and their statements when asked about something do not take into account what the other person knows about the situation. As children get older, between ages of 3-8 they are now more aware and the smarter they are, the more likely they will attempt to protect themselves from getting into trouble either with a lie or by blaming others for the misdeed.

During their tween and teen years as they are working on more independence, they may be trying to get to do things they have been told not to do to prove they can do it safely and believe it or not that they are trustworthy. Oh, that front part of their brain not developed yet, and their decisions at this point made without thinking beyond what their emotions and feelings are begging for them to get.

So here are a couple of tips:

  1. Show integrity yourself by letting your “yes” mean yes, and your “no” mean no.
  2. Speak po
  3. sitively and patiently without sarcasm or condescending
  4. Model integrity. Do not ask your children to do something that they see you do.
  5. Show them how to learn from mistakes and strive for excellence (not perfection)
  6. When your child tells you their first lie (and more) remember what developmental stage they are and try to discern what they are telling you they need.
  7. Telling stories, those you have read, your own, and examples that you see in the news are good ways of impressing upon them how important our word are in gaining trust with others.
  8. Asking them “What” and “How” questions will help even the youngest child to tell you what they are thinking and then you can use that moment to guide them to the virtue of honesty and integrity. Do not ask “Why”! They do not know any more than you or I most of the time.

As they get older,logical consequences need enforcement when they do not tell the whole truth. Determining what these consequences will be ahead of time is the best and especially if they are agreed upon by both the parent and child for when breaking this ground rule.

If integrity is one of the most valued virtues in your home talk about it regularly, use the word and acknowledge it in your children and the other adults in the home, so your children grasp how essential it is, and they will be guided to take it on as a valuable virtue for themselves.

Gifts of Character: Integrity – The Definition

word of month character

Each month we will discuss one virtue with all of our students. This month’s virtue is Integrity. This will be defined in the following ways for our students.
Young students: “I do what’s right even if nobody knows or everyone is watching.”

Older students: Being true to yourself, your values, and your word

We are an education center, working with students on physical self-defense skills while empowering families to bring out the best in our children and ourselves – through the martial arts. We believe every child has 52 gifts in them already. They only need to be taught how to grow and use them in their life. Balanced Life Skills serves parents, teachers, and students to reach that goal.

Walk a mile in your child’s shoes

word of month character

empathyPerhaps you never gave it much thought, but empathy is a huge part of being a person of  integrity. The ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes, to see and feel things from their perspective allows you to make better choices. When you can understand what it is like to be lied to, stolen from, made fun of… you are less likely to do those things to other people. That said empathy is not a trait that people are born with. Babies enter this world with just the capacity to be empathetic, but it is parents who must help them develop the actual trait.

The number one way that children learn empathy is when they are treated with empathy.  When we become empathetic parents we are showing our children that we respect them, that we are willing to see things from their side, that we value their thoughts and accept them for who they are. Basically when we walk a mile in our children’s shoes we are modeling integrity, compassion, and of course empathy.

Being an empathetic parent is not always easy. Children by nature can push our buttons.  But studies show that parents who are more empathetic tend to have better relationships with their children filled with honest open communication. They also tend to be less stressed! Yes you read correctly.  Empathetic parents tend to be less stressed because their children are better able to manage their own difficult emotions, can soothe themselves and get angry less often.

It’s easy to be empathetic when your child is feeling hurt, sad or afraid… but what about all those other times… especially when they are being testing and rude? This is when being empathetic is even more important. The first thing we need to do is listen, listen, and um yeah… listen. Our job is to help them to feel understood. We must learn to not take their anger or frustration personally. We need to remain calm, flexible and willing to adjust our language, thoughts, and actions. This does not mean that we are condoning negative behavior; instead we are empathizing and then affirming our belief that they will do the right thing.

When we parent our children with empathy, it puts us and our children on the same side of any problem. When we show empathy, it sends the message to our children that they are safe to make mistakes and encourages them to take responsibility when they do. When we show empathy it helps our children to think of others, to be more accepting of difference, to appreciate honesty and most of all to have the self-confidence to do the right thing even when it’s not the most popular choice. In other words, empathetic parenting helps us to raise children of integrity!