confidence | - Part 3

September 9, 2014

Healthy risk taking can build confidence

The most difficult part of parenting that I can think of right this minute is how to know when to help your child to take a risk. Taking risks is a part of growing up and children begin the process at a very young age. In fact it is the characteristic of confidence that allows a child or anyone to take risk. Some are more willing, almost too willing to risk and others are more reticent.

When dealing with risks our children want to learn to determine whether it is a healthy or unhealthy risk. Healthy risks might include for a young child trying a new food or activity. Even meeting a new person can feel like a risk to a child that has not gotten comfortable with that situation. How we handle that can determine if we are willing to try another “risky event” at another time.

Even though we do not feel confident there are things we can do to make it easier to take the risk. Talking to a mentor or a friend may offer the support they need to try something new. Or finding an affirmation that a child can say to themselves may give them the confidence to move forward.

In the end one of the best ways to gain or maintain confidence is by practicing. We said in an earlier post, “Confidence comes from competence.” If you are good at something you will be confident about that action. The way you get more comfortable and good at any activity is by practice.

Adults and parents have to remember that our children are learning from us too. In other words, are we willing to take “risks” and are they healthy ones – like what kind of food we will eat, or trying a new game or activity. As a parent helping our children define boundaries that define risks in safe environments versus dangerous ones is one of the ways that parents can help their children.

On the other hand if children see us take risks that are dangerous – speeding, running lights, health decisions, drug or alcohol use, it is far more likely that they will model what they have seen their parents do.

What if our child is not willing to take a risk – like meeting new people? Talking with them in a dialog, not speeches or lectures, learning how they are feeling and giving them time and experience may be helpful in overcoming the fears that are stopping them from healthy risks.

September 5, 2014

Which is better – Confidence from praise or encouragement?

Where does confidence come from? Especially self-confidence? When I asked a group of students this question we received many different answers, but the one that concerned me the most was – “when others complement us”. The long term effect of too much praise is not confidence, it can end up in dependance.

This does not mean that praise is out – in fact, praise is an important part of demonstrating to our children or anyone for that matter our admiration for them and even our affection. But with too much praise for too little effort, children especially can become as dependent on praise as their motivating factor as they can on sugar. Nothing wrong with sugar – a little bit – but too much is so bad for us. Too much praise creates a child that is only willing to do just enough to get by with mediocre effort, rather than independent with the ability to set goals and put in the time and effort to reach the goal based on self discipline.

Allow me to give you a grown up example of how getting use to praise for the work we do results in a dependency on praise rather than self – motivation and discipline. How many of us have seen individuals who were conditioned athletes who became dependent on being in the limelight, receiving the admiration of others – who after losing that trigger, no longer took care of themselves physically and simply turned into couch potatoes? This is not limited to professional athletes – it includes anyone who has been rewarded for victories and accomplishments and then became dependent on that kind of praise to motivate themselves to stay in shape.

The exact same thing can happen to a child who becomes dependent on external praise to build their confidence. When the praise is not coming in enough quantity or for an act that they come to believe they should get it for – they give up, not interested in the activity or feel like a less valuable person – resulting in even deeper issues.

What is the answer?

Look for the good in our children
Praise the effort and the behavior
Emphasize self-pride for accomplishments rather than external rewards
Focus on the process of learning*
Communicate expectations for self (goal setting)

One more thought on the process of learning. Praising for the final accomplishment – trophy / blue ribbon / new belt in Martial arts / leads a child down the path that they ‘have to win or be better than everyone around them’. They may develop warped values regarding fairness to the point that they are discouraged from trying or continuing their quest.

Learning a new skill, whether it is physical like riding a bike or swimming, mental like reading or doing math or social like sharing or conflict resolution – all of these require gradual steps that build on each other. Encouraging our children to enjoy this process or ‘practice’ by praising that effort and the incremental improvements, support their growth in learning, excelling and being confident.

September 3, 2014

Confidence is believing in ourselves

Confidence is one of the things that martial arts schools in particular tout as the quality that your child will get if they take part in their classes. Building confidence is not about martial arts any more than it is about dance, gymnastics, playing an instrument or soccer. It is about feeling competent in a practice you have chosen to take part in. Recently a mom was telling me that her daughter who is being tutored in math is getting better at math and she sees a real growth in confidence. I would agree – when we become more competent we stop putting ourselves down (compassion for ourselves) and we do not feel like others are looking at us in a bad light – we are proud of ourselves. We do not need others to tell us we are good, we just know we are.

For a child or an adult what does confidence feel like? When any of us are confident with a task or in ourselves there is a special energy or strength we feel. As one student said, “in soccer I want to be the last to shoot penalty shots. I am sure I will score and win for our team.” There is a certainty that we literally can feel in our body.

As a parent we cannot give our child confidence. We can however nurture their special interests. While we may not understand their interest in dinosaurs – if a child has an interest or passion and are able to demonstrate their expertise, they are more likely to be successful in other areas of their life. Accepting that and not pushing them to do what we think they should be interested in is part of our parenting in a manner to help them to grow. Of course we want to expose them to a variety of activities. But finding the one they are passionate about is key to growing confidence.

In the martial arts we can especially gain confidence for a number of reasons and in a variety of ways. Students will get stronger physically, be able to demonstrate moves and other skills. Students will learn to set goals and reach them and they will learn to help others. Encouraging them in the aspects that they love is a way of building confidence.

Becoming a black belt is a process that results in a confident person – no matter the age. I encourage our students to be a black belt in life, which means always doing your best, being optimistic and creative, and persevering until you reach your goal. Those skills and characteristics will work well – no matter what your passion is.

August 29, 2014

Life Skills: Confidence – The Definition

Each month we will discuss a life skill with all of our students. This month the word is Confidence. This word will be defined in the following ways for our students.

Young students: Compassion means: “I believe in me and you!”

Older students: Compassion means: Complete trust in ourselves and others.

Each age group has a worksheet that parents can use to continue the discussion at home with their children, and one for adults to allow them to think more deeply about the skill and how it applies to them. Would you like to receive the worksheet? Stop by our studio at 133 Gibralter Avenue in Annapolis, MD and tell us the age of your child. We will give you a worksheet and invite you to watch Mr. Joe discuss the word with the students in class. You can also follow our discussions here on this website.

If you would like to become a member of Balanced Life Skills, come TRY CLASSES FOR FREE. We are not your typical after school activity, in fact we are an education center, working with our students on physical skills along with empowering families with compassion, awareness and respect – creating a culture of peace – through the arts. We believe in every child and build their self – confidence. Balanced Life Skills takes part in community service and encourages each student to do the same.

August 26, 2014

Three Arts… One Dojo

The mission of Balanced Life Skills is to cultivate awareness, compassion and respect in all of our students. We do this by helping them be aware of the negative messages that they hear and then be compassionate with themselves by replacing them with positive messages. Replacing the negative thoughts we have with positive ones will help them to be willing to put forth greater effort in studying for school, trying new things, even standing up for themselves. When this happens they can respect themselves.

Did you ever have these challenges as a young person? Most of us have. In fact most adults still struggle with the negative movies running in their heads. I certainly have had the struggle with messages that I still remember from a very young age, that I was not “smart enough”. In fact I still hear the words in my ears of being called “stupid”.

As I looked for a solution I first realized that the number one fear of all people is the fear of not being “enough”. Enough of many different things – mine was not smart enough. What I learned through practice is that the practice of the martial arts was very helpful in growing my confidence. After training in the martial arts I soon realized that this could be a great tool in building confidence in students. But not all students are open to the physical approach, they prefer to do something in the visual arts or performing arts.

That is why our – Three Arts…One Dojo – approach is so effective for students of all ages. The first thing you can do is come and try a class with Balanced Life Skills. Try it for free, stick with it for a while and you will see the results for yourself.

July 27, 2011

Life Skills: The Practice of Perseverance Builds Confidence In Ourselves

Teaching Children Life Skills — Teaching character and life skills to students

Martial arts schools so many times have students brought to them to build their confidence. What is it about the training that takes place there that accomplishes that goal, and what can you do as a parent at home that would emulate that training.

Confidence is built on feeling good about yourself and what you have achieved. In the martial arts you have goals set before you, some of them physical and some of them mental. You are given the time frame to accomplish them in, and if you stay on target and practice you will most likely reach those goals. When goals are reached, the confidence is built, so that when the next even harder task is asked of us, we know that if we commit ourselves to the task or skill, we will be able to accomplish it and yes – build even more confidence.

Imagine though, we quit or gave up saying it was too hard, or worse asked the instructor to excuse us from having to do something because… what would our confidence be like when the next task was asked of us. We may be willing to give up again, and possibly with even less effort.

Here is the bottom line: When we achieve something after working hard, we feel good about ourselves and know we can do anything if we commit. When we feel confident, we’ll set more goals, and have an easier time committing and persevering. What have you done recently that shows perseverance? Did you get past your fears, or not let others influence you to stop reaching for your goals? Did you tell yourself, “When the going gets tough, I don’t quit!”