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“You can’t play with us” – what can you do about young girls who bully?

If you are bullied as a young child will you continue to be bullied as you go into your teen years and beyond?  In 2009 there was a study done that indicates that for boys who were victims of bullying at the age between 6 and 9, they were no more likely to continue to be victims 2 -4 years later.  However this was not the case for girls.

“The researchers said that girls’ “tightly knit” friendship networks could make it difficult for them to “escape the victimization role”. *

As we look at the behavior of young girls even in pre-school developing habits of excluding each other, we need to recognize the long term affects on both of them.  For those who are the target of the exclusion with, “you can’t play with us”, this is a very confusing time.  This type of behavior is not just a ‘rite of passage’,  or ‘girls being girls’, anymore than a boy who continues to hit another boy should be allowed to do so.  This sort of aggression should be taken as seriously as any other type of aggression.  

If a young girl takes on a role of ‘victim’ this may be taken into all of her relationships including into who she dates and possibly marries.  So what can we do?

Parents and teachers should be aware of the formation of these close ties that exclude others and suggest that if they want a special time to play together, that can be arranged, but we are now going to play in a manner that is good for the whole group.

Teaching our young children to play together with respect is starting them off of the right foot.  If we as parents take a strong stand on friendships, exclusions, and respect for the feelings of others, our children will respond to those values.

Balanced Life Skills is working on bully prevention and more important on character building in all of our students.  Do you have a story about bullying that you would share with us?  The more information we have on what is happening in our community, the better we can prepare our children to be better citizens.

Social network: Stop Bullies Now

Forum question:  Has your child been bullied in school?

Thank you for your help and be sure to send these links to your friends as we work to build a community against bullying behavior.

*Wolke, D., Woods, S., & Samara, M. (2009). Who escapes or remains a victim of bullying in primary school? British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 27 (4), 835-851 DOI:

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Bully Prevention: What Is a Parent To Do When a Child Does Not Stand Up For Themselves?

When your child comes home from school everyday with a story about being picked on by someone on the bus, in the classroom, on the playground it is very upsetting.  Many times we see parents who have raised these very mild mannered, sweet children who have no desire or what seems to no ability to mean to others and would rather just let these things go.  As a parent though we know that they must learn to stand up for themselves.

What do we mean by “stand up for themselves”?  When a child is “teased, chided, or picked on”, there is a little piece of them inside that is damaged, even if it is not readily visible.  This damage may very well stick with them for a very long time – well into adulthood.  For them it is important to learn to speak up and let the other person know that what they are saying or doing is not acceptable to the target.   As a parent we know that and we may even tell our child “Stand up for yourself.”

In fact as parents, we may become frustrated with our child for being unwilling to do just that.  We may tell our child do what you need to do to stand up to them, I will not be upset with you no matter what.  In effect we are saying if you need to hit them I am giving you permission to do so – because we want to see them make a stand.

Please consider the following though in regard to our mild mannered, sweet child.  If they are coming home to you and are willing to speak to you about what is going on at school and tell you how they feel about it – you are a very fortunate parent.  The problem is that if the child begins to feel your frustration with his/her unwillingness or inability to stand up for themselves, they may become unwilling to share these experiences with you, not wanting to disappoint you in any way.

What is a parent to do? Continue reading “Bully Prevention: What Is a Parent To Do When a Child Does Not Stand Up For Themselves?”

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Life Skills: Respect – How We Speak and Act To Others When They Are There and Not There

As parents we have all worked with our children on having good manners.  By good manners we begin with teaching them the “magic” words; please, thank you, sorry, your welcome, excuse me.  In the end though is it about the words or is something else?  What do good manners have to do with respect?

Teaching our children good manners should also include helping them to understand the concept of respect.  When we say “thank you’, we are recognizing someone has done something special or unexpected for us and we appreciate the thoughtfulness of the other person.  When we say “sorry”, well actually I teach our kids not to just say sorry, but rather to say, “I am sorry”.  Teaching them to take personal responsibility and to express it in more than one word is the beginning step in understanding that it may be necessary to say a little more.  They may need to express to the other person what they are sorry for doing and finding a way to “fix it”.

Showing respect by HOW we say our words is important also.  Using a kind voice, with sincerity is an effective way of demonstrating respect.  We can model this for our children in our own interactions with others and in our conversation with those close to us.  Very quickly our youngsters learn if we have respect for others or if we are just faking it.  As one person said, “You can tell a lot about the character of an individual by the way they treat those of least importance to them.”  Children soon learn if you as a parent respect everyone or only those that can do something for you at that moment.  They really pick up on hypocrisy very quickly.

So showing respect is not only WHAT we say, HOW we say it – but also what we say when the other person is not there.  Our children are there and listening to the parents true feelings.

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Stewart M. & Friends Clean Up a Stream

Stewart & friend at Terrapin Park with their haul
Some trash is heavy to carry!

We got together some friends and picked up trash. We were with Project Clean Streams.  My friend Luke joined us.  My mom drove us to Terrapin Park on the Eastern Shore.  We worked 2 hours and picked up 8 bags of trash and a man told us the beach never looked cleaner!!

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Life Skills: How Children Lose Confidence and Creativity

Confidence is a feeling that we have that is rooted in working hard, having goals and overcoming challenges.  Confidence gives us the positive energy that we need to be willing to take risks and to move forward with our pursuit of goals, even when we know it might be difficult.  When we are feeling confident we are willing to accept challenges that others may not, and we are likely to succeed.

Amazingly though there always seems to be one or more persons around who will challenge us and say or do things that is intended to make us feel less than confident.  They may question our goals, ideas or dreams as not being real.  It is funny how when we are very young we think we can do anything.  One of our sons dreamed to play soccer on the moon and to be a paleontologist.  Yet in just a few short years, in fact by the time a child is 10 or so, they have lost that confidence and creativity. (Take a look at this TED Talk)   Others have told them to “be real”, “that is not possible”, or other things that lead them to feel that they need to get in line with “reality”.  What a shame for our young people.

Others just for the sake of making themselves feel “better than”, make others feel “stupid”, “less than”, and may boast or brag in a way that someone might feel that they cannot live up to that persons abilities or life.  While it is hard to get when it is happening, when one person is bragging or “putting others down’, they really are not building themselves up in anyone’s mind but their own.  When we need to tell everyone how great we are, it shows a lack of confidence in ourselves.  Unfortunately both adults and youngsters share in this activity, and bring down some very creative confident young people in the process. Continue reading “Life Skills: How Children Lose Confidence and Creativity”

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Life Skills: Respect – The Definition

Each month we define and discuss a word of character development and life skill with all of our students.

This month the word is Respect and will be defined this way.

Young students: Respect means: I treat people the way I want them to treat me!

Older students: Respect means: Showing consideration, courtesy, and care for someone or something.

Here are the worksheets for our students:

Respect Tiger Tot worksheet

Respect 5-6 worksheet

Respect 7 – 12 worksheet

Respect Teen Adult worksheet

If you would like to see how we will deal with this subject with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of April or come in and TRY A CLASS.