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Having manners or Being mannerly?

Having good manners and being mannerly is two different attitudes.  Having good manners means that we know what the society we are in expects from us in ways of behavior that demonstrate consideration for those around us. Many people can display the desired behaviors and appear in a good light to others.  They may say the requisite Thank you, Your welcome, Please, Excuse me, and many other phrases accepted in our community and society as manners.

Having good manners though is not necessarily being mannerly.  One way that we can observe good manners though that may also show that we have embraced the attitude is by our willingness to express gratitude. Gratitude is the attitude of deep appreciation for even the smallest of gifts that life has bestowed on us. So when we say thank you we do so from our hearts.

We all agree that saying thank you is good manners. Being thankful and expressing thankfulness is much deeper.  There is no need for reminders; we notice the small things including what people have done for us and the beauty around us. We see the abundance we have been provided and often contemplate the richness of our life – even without massive amounts of material things. Being mannerly, having good manners is also about being grateful and continually celebrating life and all the Universe has provided each of us.

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Teaching Children Good Manners In Our Culture

Manners are the way society has for being pleasant to each other even if or when we may not want to. Though the rules of interaction are different in every culture, the intent is the same.  Society expects treatment that is respectful and like we matter. When we teach our children politeness with the rituals of the society we live in, we are laying the foundation for their success in all parts of their life.

But doesn’t it seem so fake?  Parents continue to ask, did you say thank you or what is the magic word? Is this the best way to teach manners to our children?  Are they going to understand and develop empathy by just using these words as they get older or is there a better way of developing them into kind, respectful and mannerly citizens?

During this month of discussions on manners, we will reveal seven practical things that parents can do bring out the real feelings of good manners and not just the forced ritual of using polite words. Here are the first two.

  1. Treat your children with the same courtesy that you treat adults. That follows the universal rule that all people would rather be asked to do something than be told to do it.  Research has shown that young children grow up showing more empathy and understanding of the feelings of others when raised in a family that is responsive to their needs. Young children are self-centered, so parents need to show them what kind treatment of others looks like.  They will learn what they live.
  2. Speak to your partner/spouse with tact and kindness. If children learn what they live, they mainly learn what they see.  Their observation of how mom and dad interact has an impact on how they will treat those in their life, including parents, grandparents, friends, and eventually spouses

So there are the first two strategies for helping children learn to express and demonstrate good manners both in the home and outside, without us having to remind them when they are old enough to do this on their own.  Next time two more practical suggestions to raising children with manners.

Each of the links will take you to a discussion of these virtues on a new website. Joe Van Deuren is working on a website for parents.

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Helping children be good citizens in their community

word of month character

Sharing our talents with others is one way that we can practice good citizenship. When we are an adult to sharing of our talents also sets a great example for our children to see us giving to others what we have to offer. We can even encourage them to share their talents with others, starting with their siblings.

If our child has learned to read, they can share story reading with a younger sibling. This will set such a great example for the younger child in the love of learning and reading. Maybe they love to draw, we can encourage them to make cards first for those in the family who may be sick and then for others – even taking cards to a senior home or to a pediatric hospital.

As they learn new skills and share them with others, they are seeing first hand the practice of good citizenship. All of us can use whatever talent we have to help our community. Here are a few examples of things we can share with others:

  • cooking or baking
  • sharing with others our culture
  • volunteer at animal shelter
  • collecting food for others, costumes for holiday,
  • making art for seniors

Our children are never too young to learn about citizenship and being a caring and responsible member of our community.

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Helping children succeed through perseverance

imagesAll adults have goals and so do children.  The child’s goal may not seem to have obstacles as large as our own – but they are obstacles nonetheless.   Helping children reach their goals through perseverance may also require that we help them to understand 4 unseen obstacles that get in the way of both children and adults.

Let’s begin with a goal a child may have of wanting to be able to ride a bike with their friends.  At the moment though they do not know how to ride and they may be getting very discouraged about not being able to ride.  The quick answer is – they need to practice.  But there are four things that may block them, that we can help them understand and overcome.

  1. They have not set a date to reach their goal of riding their bike.  Not setting a goal with a deadline can be a deterrent.  There have been many times that children in our school who need to learn to jump rope – have only accomplished the skill the night before their demonstration.
  2. The fear of failure, or even of success.  Fear is one of the main reasons that many do not reach their goal.  For children and bike riding it may be fear of getting hurt, or not being as good as their friends.  It may be fear of the amount of work required or the perseverance needed.
  3. In line with fear is also the looking in the past and believing we will have the same results.  Skills that we tried to learn in the past that did not come easily or we gave up on may haunt us and those failures become our reality.  If we hold onto those fears, we may resent not getting it quickly and be very ready to give up soon.
  4. Finally not staying focused, boredom, or losing site of what we want – to be able to ride our bikes with our friends, may keep us from reaching our goal.

All of these require that we persevere.  Perseverance is steady, goal-oriented persistence, despite challenges or obstacles.  Helping our children to see how to use perseverance to overcome these common obstacles will be a great lesson for life.

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We are aware – Now we need to change

In NJ there has been an incident of hazing that has rocked the community.  There are still some on both sides of the story, some accepting it as a part of ‘team’, and some still afraid to speak out openly.  Here is our take on this situation.

Hazing is bullying.  Bullying is abuse and while it is good to hear that it is being recognized as such, the idea that the students in this latest incident “tolerated and in general accepted” this culture and behaviors – it tells us that is was also tolerated and accepted by the adults in the school.

At this point those who have been targeted with the hazing are still afraid to voice their grievances out loud.  On Sunday night this particular community is gathering for an anti-bullying community event to raise awareness in the community and “to help in the healing process”.   Here is my take on this:

We are already aware.

We are aware that bullying in not acceptable.  No one thinks it is an acceptable behavior, especially when it is happening to them or to their child.  Generally very few people have stepped up to change anything until there is a major incident like this one that has affected them personally.

We are awareWe are aware.
There are enough posters.  
There are enough sayings.
There are enough laws and rules.  

What we have not done is change culture.  Until we change the culture in our schools, with everyone – parents, administrators, teachers, students – we will continue to have these kind of incidents.  All of us determined to create a culture of peace in our schools and  communities can be very powerful

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Life Skills: Respect – The Definition

Word of monthEach month we will discuss a life skill with all of our students. This month the word is Respect.  This word will be defined in the following ways for our students.

Young students: Respect means: “I treat you and me like we matter!”

Older students: Respect means:  The ability to see and celebrate the value in ourselves and others (and behave accordingly).

Each age group has a worksheet that parents can use to continue the discussion at home with their children, and one for adults to allow them to think more deeply about the skill and how it applies to them. Would you like to receive the worksheet? Stop by our studio at 133 Gibralter Avenue in Annapolis, MD and tell us the age of your child. We will give you a worksheet and invite you to watch Mr. Joe discuss the word with the students in class.  You can also follow our discussions here on this website.

If you would like to become a member of Balanced Life Skills, come TRY CLASSES FOR FREE.   We are not your typical after school activity, in fact we are an education center, working with our students on physical skills along with empowering families with compassion, awareness and respect – creating a culture of peace – through the arts.  We believe in every child and build their self – confidence.  Balanced Life Skills takes part in community service and encourages each student to do the same.