This month we have been working on Accountability in our school with students. Of course I personally work on everything that I ask our students to work on. I thought I would share with parents a method of changing attitude and of learning that is not punishment.
Lets say that a child has acted out in a manner that is not acceptable to you and your family values. There may be a need for a consequence or there may be some natural consequences, but in the end what we really want is for the child to learn that not practicing that behavior is in their best interest. Continue reading “Accountability for older children”
Have you ever heard a child say the word “but” while trying to justify an action? But he was touching me, But she called me a name, but, but, but… are all ways of trying to get out of being responsible for their own actions. Unfortunately many adults continue to make excuses, try to rationalize or blame some outside force for their actions and mistakes.
How can a parent help the child learn accountability? When you hear the word “but”, ask them What was the action? Why did you take the action? What did you think was right or why did you think it wasn’t wrong? As a parent you want to understand how your child is thinking. They will not be looking at things the same way you would as an adult, but as you talk to them you will be able to give them more effective methods and ways of looking at the situations that come up in their life.
The changes you want to see will not occur quickly, but with your own modeling of accountability you will find that most children will be able to understand and use the tools that you give them.
If you would like to see how we will talk about ACCOUNTABILITY with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of JULY or come in and TRY A CLASS.
If you would like to see how we will talk about COURTESY with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of JUNE or come in and TRY A CLASS.
The first word we here in trustworthiness is ‘trust’. Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote,” I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” There are many ways of losing that trust and it is not just with words. As we get older, teens and adults, it is not about games, tests and papers any more. The concept of trust goes to a much higher level and becomes very personal in our relationships in love, work and friends.
The second part of that word is ‘worthiness’. Are our words and deeds worthy of trust? If we were to ask ourselves how the other person might feel if we take this action or say these words it will help us to be aware of the affect and consequences of our words and actions. Being truthful with tact and kindness will make all of our relationships much stronger.
While some may be willing to put up with others not being truthful most find it very hard to continue in a relationship where trust has been lost. It simply is not comfortable to be in any kind of relationship – personal or business – that you are suspicious of those that you have interactions with. We can begin teaching our children these values and principles by helping them to appreciate that being trusted is one of our most valuable qualities. By not cheating or taking what does not belong to us in little things we set the course for when we are older and the stakes are higher.
This is a question that every parent has asked themselves, just not understanding how “their child” could possibly do this to them. Children lie for the same reason that their parents do, they are attempting to solve a problem.
Problem: I want to go outside to play and I have homework –
Solution: Tell mom and dad I did it already.
Problem: I want to go to a friends house but my room is not clean –
Solution: Stuff everything under the bed and tell mom I cleaned.
Problem: I don’t like what is in my lunch
Solution: Tell mom I ate it, but really I threw it away.
Sometimes the ‘problem’ is not disappointing you or wanting your approval. Problem: Broken vase
Solution: “I didn’t do it.” (knee jerk reaction)
Lying is a faulty problem solving technique for the child. Now that we know that they are using it as a problem solving technique we know what they really need is not a lecture on how “bad” they are for lying, but rather they need better problem solving techniques. However that does not mean that there should not be consequences for lying. Here is the key to the consequences though. It is best to have a consequence for the lying and a separate consequence for the behavior or problem they were trying to solve. For example; if the problem is not turning in homework – you may have a consequence for lying about it (taking something away for a short period of time) and a problem solving technique (a specific time to do school work under your supervision. This would be even if they say they have no homework – they still must use this time to study and do school work until you can see improvement).
There is an Asian philosophy called ‘Mushin’ – staying calm and disconnected when you have been triggered by an act or words. When dealing with lying as parents we cannot take it personally and we have to simply have a consequence that we apply in a matter of fact manner for lying that happens every time. Our children have to know that they cannot get around the rules simply by lying. No lectures on the morality of lying (though in a less heated moment it is good to discuss this) but rather a value that the family has; “in our family we tell the truth” and we solve problems in other ways other than lying. Being trustworthy is one of the most important connections we have with our children and the need for trust goes both ways. Learning and practicing better problem solving skills will reduce the amount of lying done by our children.
