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What does loyalty look like in friendships?

Being loyal can test you and your friendships?  Loyalty is staying true to someone.  It is standing up for them in difficult times as well as when things are going well.  It is loyalty that builds and strengthens those relationships.  We feel them especially within our family and if we are lucky enough we will have one or two friends that have proved themselves to us as loyal friends.

 

Being a loyal friend to someone is one way of beginning the building process of friendship.  It begins by building a trust with them.  They know we are going to tell them the truth, keep our promises and not disclose those private things they have shared with us.  We give them our kindest ways and expect that they will do the same for us, not doing anything intentionally to harm.

 

When we are practicing loyalty in our relationships though we are also very careful not to allow loyalty to lead us into doing or saying things that would get us in trouble.  While we are not going to allow others to come between us and our friends – we also must be loyal to ourselves and not say or do something that goes against our personal values, morals or ethics.

 

Finally in the practice of loyalty to our friends if they were about to do something that would be harmful to themselves or others our loyalty must be for what is safe and fair.  It is not disloyal to stand up for what we believe in.  So if our friend wanted us to join them in smoking or taking drugs – our loyalty to our own choices and to them would come first.  It would not be safe to just walk away and not tell an adult about their choices.  It might be a difficult thing to do – but imagine how you would feel if your friend was hurt irreparably and you did not speak up.
Not sure what to do?  Loyalty to your friend would insist that you ask someone that you respect for guidance – not to tell you what to do – but to help you think and talk it through, so you were comfortable with yourself in making your own decision.  Loyalty and friendship involves more than just the people – it involves you, your ideals, and your commitments to what your value.

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Friendship requires strong communication skills

What should we do if we are the one that says or does something and it hurts their feelings?  Every friendship has those moments when one of the two parties says or does something that brings up difficult to handle emotions in the other person.  Lets look at what both sides can consider when a mistake has been made:

 

  • Loyal friends do not hurt their friends on purpose. This thought should be looked at by  both parties. The hurt party may ask themselves if they really believe it was done on purpose or was it a mistake.
  • Good friends have the courage to speak to each other openly about differences.  If you were hurt by an action or word – it should not be left to fester and grow bigger.  It is time to open the conversation between you.
  • Open your questions with “what’ or “how” and not “why”.  In other words have open ended questions such as What did you mean by …… ? or How did …… situation come about?  Not, Why did you say or do this to me?
  • Be willing to listen without an agenda.  If we are looking to make the other person wrong – we most likely will find them to be wrong.  If we are looking for the best in them – it will be easier to see the good.
  • Ask further questions and really listen to the answers.  Then it is your turn to express how you are feeling and look for ways to make each side heal the bad feelings.
  • End the conversation with an apology as needed, a compliment for the time to talk, and an affirmation of your friendship and what you value about them as a friend.  Is it their consideration, caring, honesty, loyalty, kindness, respect or understanding? Be sure the other person knows that you see their good qualities.

Friendships are hard to find and must be worked at to keep strong.  Healthy friendships are not one sided.  Both people should benefit from the relationship.

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What virtues do you look for in a friend?

Friendship is one of those things in life that warms our very souls.  While we may have many acquaintances in our circles, having a true friend is very special.  There is the knowledge that our friend really cares about us and we trust them with our joys and sorrows without fear of judgement.

Choosing our friends then becomes a very important choice.  Our choice is a demonstration of who we are and the value we place on ourselves.  Each of us value different qualities in a friend.  Here is a list of character traits.  Which ones are important to you when it comes to friendship?

Gifts-of-character-1
Now just as important as who our friend is deep inside is the question of how do we show our friendship?  Which of these qualities come natural for us and which ones would we like to grow and improve in?  When you meet someone for the first time, do you demonstrate friendliness?

We have heard that to have good friends we must be a good friend.  Friendship is based on mutual interest, care, respect and trust.  Choosing our friends is one of the most important decisions we can make.

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Gifts of Character: Friendship – The Definition

Each month we will discuss one gift of character with all of our students. This month the word is Friendship.  This life skill will be defined in the following ways for our students.

Young students: Friendship means: We care, share and work together!

Older students: Initiative means:  A relationship we choose based on mutual interest, care, respect and trust.

We are not your typical after school activity, in fact we are an education center, working with students on physical self defense skills, while empowering families to bring out the best in our children and ourselves – through the martial arts.  We believe every child has 52 gifts  in them already.  They only need to be taught how to grow and use them in their life.  Balanced Life Skills serves parents, teachers and students to reach that goal.

If you would like to see Joe Van Deuren and Balanced Life Skills at work,  TRY CLASSES FOR FREE for 2 weeks.

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Initiative leads to internal rewards – based on virtues

We know the four steps to reaching our goals – accomplishing our purpose.  We begin with a thought, we use initiative, take action and keep our momentum going until – we have a great accomplishment!  Now we get the rewards for our efforts and taking the initiative.  Some of the rewards are external – trophies, applause, accolades from others.  Some of the rewards are internal – pride, confidence, gratitude and growth.

 

While it is gratifying when we receive the external rewards and others recognize our efforts and accomplishments, it is the internal rewards that we receive that teach us the most and can motivate us to continue taking the initiative.  Our internal rewards come from the satisfaction we feel from completing a task that we find of value.

 

If we are a child, learning to tie our shoes may bring us great satisfaction.  Parents can help encourage the internal satisfaction by praising the effort and pointing out the virtues needed to for this accomplishment.  They may include perseverance, determination, commitment and patience.  Once a child sees that they have these virtues they learn to use them in other parts of their life – school work, riding a bike, chores at home.

 

What if they then took the initiative to help someone they knew that was struggling with schoolwork or making friends.  There internal satisfaction would stem from the virtues they were growing such as thoughtfulness, service, kindness, friendliness, even courage.
There are great rewards for appreciating the virtues we are growing in ourselves and our children as we take the initiative to learn new things, to serve others, to be helpful at home.  The internal rewards will grow our knowledge, confidence and abilities – no matter what age we might be.

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Dreams – Goals and 5 momentum stoppers

The four steps to completing an idea are thought, initiative, action, and momentum.  Without those four steps, our idea, goal, dream is just an imaginary thought that will accomplish nothing outside of our own head.  Other times we get the thought, initiate action, but then get stuck.  We find it harder to get or keep momentum.  There are five reasons our momentum can be halted.

 

  1. Fear.  We can be scared by many things when we start on the road of action.  Fear of success, failure, embarrassment or of what might be next.
  2. Procrastination.  We keep putting off the next step with all kinds of excuses.  Many times those excuses are based on one of the fears.
  3. Waiting for it to be perfect.  Waiting for the perfect time to start.  Waiting for the finished product to be just so.  Not quite ready to put it out for others to see.
  4. Someone else has done it or will do it or do it better.  We think to ourselves that someone else will do the job or that they would do it better.  We may even ask ourself why we think we have the right to be the one to complete this idea.
  5. You do not want to do the work.  Our thoughts or ideas are hard work, and we just do not want to do all that work, when things are comfortable for us at this time.

 

When we have an idea it is time to check in to see if it is a S.M.A.R.T.  idea, one that we believe in enough that we are willing to put in the work to accomplish. The dreams we have are just things that we are thinking about.  When we use our initiative and take an action step we have created a goal in our mind that we want to reach.  When we are willing to persevere we are using momentum to reach our goal.
Reaching a goal or fulfilling an idea takes hard work, over a period of time, with great focus.  In the end, taking these four steps can change our life.