Blog | - Part 68

October 18, 2013

Personal Conflict – Which Need Is Not Being Met?

In every personal conflict, with children or adults, it always comes down to at least one if not both of the parties not getting one of their basic needs met. If you are a parent you know that it is far more likely for a young child to be cranky and difficult if they are tired or hungry. In effect they are saying, “I need to sleep or eat now!”. That really is not just a child thing either. My wife says to me, “are you getting hungry?”, when I start getting cranky. She sees it many times prior to me being aware of it happening.

However there are other needs that are not as simple to identify in times of conflict that may be triggering our angry behaviors. Every human has the need for certainty in their life. If we are unsure of what is happening or how things will turn out, for some this will trigger angry behavior. At the same time all of us have a need for uncertainty, meaning we need variety in our life. If we do not get that need met, we will feel bored and life will be monotonous. When some get bored they may get angry.

Another need that every human has is the need for love and connection. If we feel we are not being loved or our connections are not as strong as we desire, our behavior will reflect this need not being met. Everyone also has a need to feel significant and we will find a way to get this need met either in a healthy or unhealthy way. In fact all of these needs will be met either in a healthy or unhealthy way. When they are not being met – they can trigger in us anger, anxiety, depression and all other sorts of emotional reactions.

When we find ourselves in a conflict we will want to ask ourselves, what need do I have that is not being met? We also want to consider the other person too, what need do they have that is not being met? Each person is unique in their needs. One person may crave certainty more than uncertainty and it will show itself in them with more anxiety. There are two more needs that every human has and learning about all of them is key to managing our own emotional health.

At Balanced Life Skills we believe that working on our whole self is key to a balanced life, for ourselves and our children. We are prepared to help parents and children to find this peace in their life.

October 16, 2013

Who is more angry, men, women or children?

While this has been a question that has been discussed for many years and with differing results, social norms or the expectations of society have tainted our views and actions. One of the issues that comes up is the acceptance of the emotion of anger in men. It is accepted and even seen as a good thing for men to express their anger. It is seen by many as showing their strength. In fact it is encouraged beginning with the games boys are encouraged to play, and venting of their anger is taken out with the way business is conducted, hunting, play or real fighting, and other aggressive acts. All of this grows into a feeling that anger and aggression is normal for men and this norm is reinforced by the media.

On the other hand women have for many years been told it is important for them to be nice, and good girls, don’t rock the boat. They have been the peacemakers and not allowed to express their anger as openly as men, as this would not be lady-like. Though repressed in so many ways, in the last 150 years though, the more open assertion for equality and voicing their opinions, may make some in society feel that women are more angry.

When looked at in totality every human needs education about anger and in particular their own anger and triggers of that emotion. Anger is normal – it is the way it is expressed that creates the problems for us in our relationships. Which brings us to our children. Are they more angry today then they were in the past?

I personally believe that children are more angry today than ever before. They learn so much from the examples of the adults around them; parents, teachers, coaches, drivers on the road, media, games they are playing. They see so many bad examples and then are told to “be good”, not to be aggressive, stop yelling, etc… and they are confused. Out of the confusion of what is right or wrong comes hurt, fear, pain and anger. Our whole society is more angry than ever before and each generation seems to be having more difficulty with this emotion.

The solution seems to need to begin with anger management education for parents and children. Education for teachers and students, coaches and players. Each one of us can take the steps to understand our own anger and get educated in helping ourselves and our children.

October 14, 2013

Bay Babies In Need: Understanding Poverty in Anne Arundel County

I wanted to share with everyone a great service project that has been created by a student at South River High School. It is a much needed service and one that all of us could help out with. Please support Siena and Food Link by supplying essential items to struggling families with newborns through Food Link’s Emergency Baby Pantry program. At the same time, increasing awareness of poverty in Anne Arundel County. Siena says, “My hope is to change the face of poverty so that we may be more tolerant and understanding of those in need.”

Check out Siena’s video:

October 14, 2013

The Connection of Stress, Focus & Time Management

Stress is felt by individuals of all ages. When asked about stress in their lives, 9 year olds and up all admitted that the number of activities they had and deadlines to meet all brought not just stressful feelings, but created an inability to focus on one thing at a time. As we investigate that even further though, not focusing was really exasperated by a lack of time management.

The lack of time management and organizational skills is really the result of not prioritizing the important things that need to be done. When discussing this with students they have much to do on any given day; homework, practice an instrument, practice martial arts, eat dinner, cleaning their room, chores, playing with friends, etc… Which one should be done first and in what order?

One of the most effective way I have seen for prioritizing is to make your list on any given day of the activities needed to be accomplished and then choose either the one that takes the most time or the one that is hardest for us to do and doing that item first. Once that difficult one is complete everything else seems a lot easier.

Planning also comes into the equation. So many times we may have a project, school or work, and we know it is coming but we procrastinate on getting started until there is no time left and then the stress levels go up and focus goes down. Learning to plan ahead, either with doing a little everyday or setting aside a time to plan, to work on and to complete the project – with some leeway – will reduce the stress and allow us to get other items done that are on our must do list. I often use the Ultimate Black Belt Test as an example of doing a little everyday to create a much larger result. Part of the test was 52,0000 push ups and sit ups. If you miss a week you are 1,000 behind. Do just 150 per day and you complete ahead of schedule.

Planning, prioritizing and getting started is great for relieving stress and improving focus.

October 10, 2013

Exciting Goings On

I’ve fallen out of my rhythm with my blog for the last month or more, on account of all the exciting goings-on here in Wudang.

The biggest holiday of the year in China and many other Asian countries it the Spring Festival, the new years celebration of the traditional lunar calendar. Much like watching the ball drop in New York City for Americans, Chinese television features one big gala TV event on the eve of Spring Festival. It is a sort of variety show, with different acts over the course of the evening, celebrity MCs, and lots of pageantry. But while Wikipedia says that 22.6 million Americans watched Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve in 2012, past Spring Festival galas have had a viewership of 700-800 million, while this year it is projected to reach a billion people.

When I say exciting goings-on, I mean that my classmates and I have the opportunity to compete for a place on this show. In the end of August, five of us choreographed and rehearsed a demonstration of Wudang kungfu that we traveled to Beijing to perform on a competition show called 我要上春晚 (I want to perform New Years Eve). We won, and then our entire class won a second round of competition in September. We will do one more round in early December, and if all goes well we’ll be in Beijing for a chunk of January preparing for the big event itself.

This is exciting, a great opportunity for us to help our shifu promote his school and a once-in-a-lifetime experience for all of us. But as is frequently the case with once-in-a-lifetime experiences, it is requiring no small amount of sacrifice and determination to realize.

First, of course, we would never be considered for such an event if we had not put a great deal of effort and dedication into our training already. We are foreigners who are seeking a deep understanding of a uniquely Chinese philosophy and tradition that is even beyond the comprehension of many natives of this language and culture.

However, it is hard for some of us to adapt our outlook to an entertainment environment. I don’t think anyone would ever endure the training we have done in order to get on TV — there must be easier ways. So it is difficult for some of us to accept that the culmination of more than four years of deeply personal struggle and agonizing progress, which each of us has undergone for personal reasons verging on religious conviction, should be the seemingly trivial outlet of television performance.

Second, there have been endless challenges of planning and re-planning. The director of the show is understandably busy managing and orchestrating all the many acts vying for a place in the show, so our performance dates have been changed and changed again. And again. This would not be a problem any other time of the year, but with it being illegal for us as foreigners to stay in China for more than 12 months at a stretch without crossing the borders, and our regular yearly holiday falling in December/January, my classmates and I have been put to great effort and expense adjusting flight bookings and travel plans over and over.

I am lucky, and unlucky. Because I stay in America longer than my classmates in order to save the money I need for training each year, my 12 months in-country will not be over until March. But that means I must stay through the holidays and miss Christmas with my family and friends, and that is a bit of a downer. But even if this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is a bit of a double edged sword, I am pretty excited to be part of it.

I do not know for how long this link will be active, but here is our performance in round one of the qualifying competition. Not bad for a start, but we can and will do better.

http://search.cctv.com/playVideo.php?qtext=20131006+%E6%88%91%E8%A6%81%E4%B8%8A%E6%98%A5%E6%99%9A&detailsid=4ead6b4cfd7f46dc8f8b2b948b13052f&aid=C21299&title=[%E6%88%91%E8%A6%81%E4%B8%8A%E6%98%A5%E6%99%9A]%E6%AD%A6%E6%9C%AF%E8%A1%A8%E6%BC%94%E3%80%8A%E6%AD%A6%E9%81%93%E6%97%A0%E7%95%8C%E3%80%8B%20%E8%A1%A8%E6%BC%94%EF%BC%9A%E6%AD%A6%E5%BD%93%E9%81%93%E5%AE%B6%E6%AD%A6%E6%9C%AF%E9%98%9F%2020131006

October 9, 2013

Why Does My Child Get So Angry?

Children who are seemingly irrational in their anger, and who begin to act out aggressively can be a danger to themselves and to others. From the outside it looks like they are triggered by very small actions, but the rage that they act out is many times out of much larger fears, emotional hurt, or a feeling of powerlessness or helplessness.

Interestingly both adults and children who explode are not been able to see the bigger picture, or see anyone that stands in the way of them getting their needs met as the enemy and so that little part of their brain – the one that is meant to protect them – reacts in a fight or flight manner. In the person who explodes, the reaction is to fight and protect themselves.

Determining the needs that are not getting met is part of helping the child or adult overcome the outbursts of anger as a reaction to their triggers. When we can find the needs that need to be met, then we can work on finding more healthy way of meeting those needs. When working with children, some of the work will be with the child and parts of it will be helping parents understand how they can help their child to be more relaxed and confident in themselves.