Blog | - Part 44

October 7, 2014

Stressed? The resources I can turn to, reducing anger

Helen Keller is quoted as saying, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” When we are feeling angry some of our needs are not getting met, or our situation is not going the way that we had hoped that it would go. After asking ourselves the question of focus, “In the grand scheme of things how important is this issue?”, we may have to admit that we need to look for some help.

It is in the overwhelmed feelings that we quickly go into a “fight, flight, or freeze” defense, resulting in those around us feeling the brunt of our actions. It might very well be though that the support we need is right there for us. We may only need to ask ourselves,

What resources do I currently have to deal with?
What resources do I need to develop to better cope with the stressor?

We will call this the “resource principle”. When there is a stressful event in your life, ask what resource do I currently have that may help me? If we just explode it is likely that we have not asked ourselves about our current resources.

If you are a parent or a teacher and your child or students are pushing some buttons for you, you may have forgotten your love for exercise, meditation or you may have forgotten that you have friends that might be able to help you see a solution. It could be you have a coach in your life to turn to, but have not done so out of feeling that you should be able to handle this yourself.

You may ask the second question, “What resource do I need to develop to better cope with this stressor?”. Do I need to ask for help? Do I need to improve a skill like assertive communication, humor, or not taking myself so seriously, to deal with this situation. Or we may combine “what will this matter in 3 years” with a new resource to be developed.
We may be stressed at work, and really the answer is just asking for the help we need from a co-worker, employer, or an adviser friend. Many times the help is right there if we can take a deep breath and see it and ask for it. Doing these things will take a lot of the power out of the stressor, resulting in the anger subsiding.

October 6, 2014

Respect is shown in our attitude and actions

Respect is the one word we hear the most from the needs of parents. Parents want their children to show respect, to them the parents, along with demonstrating respect for grandparents, teachers, other children and objects. Teaching respect though is not as simple as sitting a child down and telling them “show respect!”

In our work at Balanced Life Skills we start using the word ‘respect’ at the very earliest times – as soon as a student comes into a class. We learn to sit showing respect, raise our hand with respect, walking into class with respect and even when we bow as we come on to the mat – saying the word respect in our mind as we bow.

This is a hard word to define, because what we see as respectful is shown in attitude and action. The attitude that is shown is that we value the person or object in front of us. Being able to value the other person for their strengths and what is good about them, brings an ‘attitude of gratitude’ and therefore an appreciation that is shown with how we conduct ourselves with them. The action – is of little value without the correct attitude. So while we may need to ‘fake it till we make it’, actions or behavior without the proper attitude to go along with it really does not feel like respect.

The same would be true with an object. We can show that we value (respect) a book by not tearing the pages, breaking the binding, putting it away carefully, reading it with joy. We value the object, what it is giving us and the privilege of having such a gift. That attitude of valuing the book allows for the actions of how we handle the book.

In our school at Balanced Life Skills we value the instructors, our classmates, the mat or dojo (where we are training), and ourselves. We demonstrate that in many ways that we will talk about this month as we discuss respect in different parts of our lives.

The way children learn the attitude and actions of respect is by watching how others – parents, teachers, adults and even other children conduct themselves and speak to other people and objects.

Every relationship, interaction, class, and day should begin and end with respect.

October 3, 2014

Strange car self defense

“What would you do if a car pulled up in front of your house and they asked you to help them find their puppy?” This was the first in our series of What would you do if…

When teaching children we must be careful not to frighten them about life and people – but we must have a level of awareness that keeps them vigilant. Then again, that is true of all of us. Giving regular and fun attention to the subjects is key to learning and being able to use what we learn. Here is one of the exercises we did in our class on the Strange Car!

October 3, 2014

Life Skills: Respect – The Definition

Each month we will discuss a life skill with all of our students. This month the word is Respect. This word will be defined in the following ways for our students.

Young students: Respect means: “I treat you and me like we matter!”

Older students: Respect means: The ability to see and celebrate the value in ourselves and others (and behave accordingly).

Each age group has a worksheet that parents can use to continue the discussion at home with their children, and one for adults to allow them to think more deeply about the skill and how it applies to them. Would you like to receive the worksheet? Stop by our studio at 133 Gibralter Avenue in Annapolis, MD and tell us the age of your child. We will give you a worksheet and invite you to watch Mr. Joe discuss the word with the students in class. You can also follow our discussions here on this website.

If you would like to become a member of Balanced Life Skills, come TRY CLASSES FOR FREE. We are not your typical after school activity, in fact we are an education center, working with our students on physical skills along with empowering families with compassion, awareness and respect – creating a culture of peace – through the arts. We believe in every child and build their self – confidence. Balanced Life Skills takes part in community service and encourages each student to do the same.

October 2, 2014

The opposite of bragging damages confidence too

We may not be the person who is bragging, but we may be affected by the behavior of others. Bragging is really an attempt to put the other person down. Just as dangerous to our confidence though is, if we were to diminish our own self. If we were to look at another person’s skills or abilities and put ourselves down – thinking or saying “I’m no good because…”.

No matter who we are or what skill we are most proud of, if we open our horizon enough, we will find others who are just as good or many times better than ourselves. That is not a reason though to diminish our own efforts, skills or abilities. Accepting who we are, being happy for others who also excel, and taking the challenge to improve ourselves in whatever way we would like to improve is a balanced way of being here in this world.

We get in trouble with ourselves when we ‘have to be better than’ anyone or everyone around us. We get in trouble with ourselves when we look at other humans or families as a competition. Our life does not need to be a competition – if it is we will eventually die “without enough”. You have heard it said that no one gets on their deathbed and wishes they had spent more time at work, or with a bigger car or house. Most of the time people wish they had more time with family and friends, enjoying the relationships or participating in an activity that they loved.

Life is not a competition for bigger things or even bigger accomplishments. Life, at least in my point of view is about improving ourselves and those around us to the best of our ability. Life and leadership is about being aware of and asking others how we can help them. Life and love is not about getting – it is about giving.

Our confidence is driven by our commitment to our values, knowing that we are living by them, finding and practicing the things we are good at – a commitment to our mission, and being our own best person. Live your life with confidence, be aware of the areas you might improve in, do the work of compassion and you will respected by others and yourself.

October 1, 2014

Reduce stress & reduce anger

When someone in a close relationship with you seems to explode about something that you did not feel was that big of a deal, you may want to ask yourself, what else is going on for them. It most probably is not about you personally. Likely they are feeling stressed about something else going on in their life. In fact, stress is one of the most common triggers for anyone losing their feeling of peace and experiencing angry feelings and behaviors.

Think about a time when anyone of us has felt stress financially, and the affect it has on our spouse or partners. Think of a teen who is struggling in school and how they react to those close to them. Think of a young person who has lost a close family member in death, and the stress results in quick reactions to anything that is hurting them.

Some stress comes from the outside, like described above and some come from the inside of us, the things that we worry about. All of them result though in our brain responding with a “fight, flight, or freeze” defense. While those defenses may have been great in the days of cavemen, they typically do not serve us well in modern society. Learning to deal with stress will help us from letting things get out of hand resulting in angry aggression.

Here is one tip in reducing the stress. SHIFT YOUR FOCUS

Ask yourself some of these questions,

In the grand scheme of things how important is this issue?
In 3 months will this still be as big of an issue as it seems now? How about in 3 years?
What is great about this situation?

Knowing what your priorities in life can be helpful in letting the small stuff go. Knowing what our core values are and what our personal mission and family mission comprise of will help us to focus on the big issues. Keeping our focus on what is really important allows us to over look comments and other events that could get us caught up in the moment, and focused on the small things.

Shift your focus is one step in reducing stress. Reducing stress is one step to anger management.