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Overcoming stress with the right question

sunWhen an event takes place in your life you no doubt will describe it in either positive or negative terms.  Doing so will set the tone for how we feel about the situation and dwelling on the event with the idea of it being the greatest or the worst thing that can happen to us can create a great deal of stress on our minds and bodies.

If you describe an event with words like, “terrible”, “horrible”, or “nightmare”, we generate negative feelings in our body which may actually disable you emotionally.  It is much better to focus on what might be done to minimize the effect of the event or as we have suggested previously ask yourself, “What is great about this?”  Does this sound like a crazy question when a “disastrous event” just took place?

Think about it for a minute.  At first you will say “there is nothing great” – but on thinking about it further you may find something good that could come.  Now you are problem solving.  How much better to do this than to complain and get worked up, maybe to the point of being short or aggressive with others who really do not deserve the aggression?  Most of us can look back on an experience that at the moment looked like the worst thing ever, that 5 years from then we look back on say it turned out well.

I personally like the question, “What is great about this?”, but in addition to that question just using different words will also help to keep the stress levels lower.  If you see a problem or event as an inconvenience or a challenge – that is very different than seeing it as the end of the world.  Maybe there is an opportunity for growth, or it is a setback – but not a permanent one that cannot be recovered from.
Remember that the feeling of anger occurs when we do not reach a goal or someone does not act or react the way we think that they should have or we wanted them to.  The behavior of anger though can be better managed when we ask ourselves the right questions or use words that put us in problem solving mode vs. negative aggressive roles.

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Showing respect in school

greetingThe one thing that brings the greatest amount of angst or embarrassment to a parent is when their child shows a lack of respect in a public place – where others are able to observe the behavior.  Disrespect can be shown in many different ways in different forums – really by anyone.  Lets talk about showing respect in our community starting with school.

How do we show respect when we are in school?  It may begin with how we treat the teachers, classmates and even the support personnel in the school.  Of course we expect that our children demonstrate respectful behavior towards the teacher.  What does that look like?  Following the directions given, doing work quietly without disruption to the class.  It may also include see what additional help we might be able to give the teacher – running errands, cleaning up after ourselves and others, speaking to them as if we value their efforts.  As a side note if teachers would like to have respect shown towards them, then they also must show this same respect to the class, by being well prepared, addressing them without sarcasm, providing their expectations in a clear and reasonable manner.

What about our classmates?  How do we show respect for them?  When they are answering a question are we listening closely or are we wildly shaking our hand in the air because we want to talk.  Respectful behavior would be to put our hand down and listen in a manner that shows that we value what they have to say (even if it is not the “correct” answer).

When taking a quiz or test, being sure that we answer our own questions and not be looking to others to help us on a test (cheating).  Being fair to others is a way of showing respect.  This is true even on the playground or in the cafeteria.  Respect can be shown by being kind to each other, even if they are not a part of our closest acquaintances.

Continuing this thought about school – are we careful with the equipment in the classroom?  Treating books, the media room equipment, the chairs and desks with the utmost care, knowing that others need to have use of this equipment is a way of showing respect for the property that does not belong to us, but that we have been invited to use while we are in the classroom.

This sort of culture in the classroom and school really begins by working on this at home and reemphasizing it as our children go to school.  Even teachers who show respect to their students will find that the students will return the respect.  Working on this culture will  have its rewards in the community – not just at schools but also at restaurants, grocery stores, museums, and other public venues.

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A treatment for PTSD – with great success!

I have been amazed by the results of the work being done by this group.  Having seen the damage that is done by PTSD in returning war veterans and abuse survivors – and to children dealing with ADHD and other neurological issues, I am very hopeful that this treatment continues to have the success it has begun with. If after watching this talk you would like to speak with Tracy Hoover, please contact me.

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Helping students understand respect for property

We show respect for property because we have placed a value on it.  We want our students to understand that we show we value a book, stuffed toy or other physical things by the way we treat it.  Here is how this class discussed this subject.  This chat will open up conversations at home – Do you value this object, or your room?  How will you show that this is important to you?  Being able to fall back on these conversations as a parent gives you a starting point that all agree on.  Respect is the way we behave when we value someone, ourselves or property.  Let me know how your conversations go!

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Solving anxiety and bullying for our students

anxious childIt makes sense that if our child is experiencing aggressive behavior at school that they would also experience more anxiety than others might be experiencing.  If our child starts behaving anxiously, we will want to determine if there is bullying taking place somewhere in there life.  Bullying is not the only reason for anxiety, but certainly it can affect our children.  In fact some say that that if a child is dealing with anxiety they are at greater risk of becoming a target of bullying.

There have been studies that have shown that those who have been bullied, both overtly and relationally, have shown higher levels of anxiety.  This would be those who are threatened with or experienced physical harm or those that have experienced threats regarding peer relationships.  In both male and female students – both have heightened anxiety levels.

Of all of the different ways that students victimize or target others the one behavior – name calling – that has the strongest affect on young men (teens) is being called “gay”.  The use of this term – continually, with intent to harm, and with a difference in power – has the most dramatic affect on young men in creating anxiety for them in life.

On the other side of this, those that receive moderate support from their peers also seem to fair better when it comes to anxiety and dealing with aggression.  My take on this is the need we have as a society – a culture – is to make it not acceptable to call names, not acceptable to act aggressively towards others, to be KIND.   What if when someone in a school called a classmate a name, others stood up for them saying, “in our school – we do not treat others like that”.

Balanced Life Skills is working at creating a culture of peace for our students, families, schools and community.  Join us if you believe in the practice of respect for each other.

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The Importance of Staying Busy

I come from a family of five kids. Depending on whom you talk to, that is either a handful or nothing. Despite what people might think though, growing up with three boys and two girls, countless pets, a crazy grandmother, and friends and cousins that would randomly come over and end up staying, my house was always a little chaotic to say the least. Looking around the table at my brothers and sister the other week for my parents’ 40th Wedding Anniversary though I started to wonder, how did we all turn out so well? Not to toot my own horn, but I’m just a little surprised with so many of us, you’d think at least ONE of us would have gotten into trouble along the way, especially with all of our unique challenges. No, we’re not perfect. No family is, but all of us are well-educated, hard working, family oriented, kind people with no major hiccups in our backgrounds. I’m extremely proud of all the accomplishments of my brothers and sister – graduations, weddings, job promotions, business developments, and we’re still going. How did my mom do it? How did she not let at least one of us slip through the cracks?

The answer is, she kept us all extremely busy growing up. We all always had a full schedule. There honestly just wasn’t enough time to ever get into major trouble, even though we tried. When my brother’s high school crush would call him on our house phone (back when people had house phones), my sister and I would listen in as he begged her to stop calling him at home because our mom would make him swim more. “You obviously are not busy enough if you have time for a girlfriend”, she would say. “I can’t swim anymore, I’ll die! You have to stop calling me at night” my brother would plea over the phone. That relationship didn’t last too long. If we ever tried to smoke or drink growing up we would pay for it on the field or in the pool the next day. Somehow my mom always seemed to know if we were doing something wrong even though we thought we were sneaky, and would make us swim extra laps or run extra miles. Between swimming, school, after-school sports, extra-curricular art classes, more swimming, and the massive amounts of homework my teachers would pile on me, I fell asleep almost every night under my dining room table on top of a school book, only to be dragged out by my feet and carried to bed by my dad. To say my mom pushed us hard is probably an understatement. But she was always there in everything we did, and even though I resented her sometimes, looking back I think, she was really smart. She never let me hang out with my friends at the mall alone, she never let me loiter around and do nothing. She knew that’s when kids get into trouble. So she kept me and all of us busy all the time, even if that meant living out of her car, driving to 5 different games or competitions every weekend, giving up sleep so she could finish our homework for us (shhh!;) She knew every aspect of our lives, and nothing ever came as a surprise to her. She made sure we were successful because honestly, there was no other option.

Today every family seems to have a full schedule. Between school, homework, sports, after-school programs, weekend events, and vacations, just trying to keep up with family-life can seem like an overwhelming and daunting task, not just for the parents, but for kids as well. One can see how parents today might be concerned that they are pushing their kids too hard. While everyone has their own challenges, and there has to be a balance to everyone’s schedule, I feel from my own experience it is better to always stay a little busier than not busy enough. Kids who have a full schedule of school, sports, and arts become better at communication and making friends, they manage their time better, and are more disciplined. They are better equipped to face future challenges, and less likely to get into trouble or fall into pitfalls. It also gives them a closer relationship with their parents since usually it is the parents who enable them to do so many things and need to be involved. I know it can seem overwhelming sometimes, but looking around the table at my happy, healthy, and successful brothers and sister, and then looking at my parents, I promise you the pay off is worth it.