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The two big questions we all have to answer in regard to trust are as follows:

Who do you trust?

Who trusts you?

Most of us will quickly name the person we trust. We trust them because they have been dependable, they keep their word to us, they have been available for us when we needed them. For most young people they recognize that they really trust their parents.

As a parent or an educator, maintaining that ‘trustworthiness’ is the key to maintaining a connection with any student or child.  If they come to believe that they are not able to trust us, the broken connection can be devastating to the young person. In fact they may go through their life with a belief that they can not and should not trust anyone. That is a very lonely existence.

Answering “Who trusts me?” really opens the opportunity to examine ourselves. We have a responsibility of keeping our promises, living up to our word and the values of our family. When we demonstrate our “being on the “team” of our family, both our personal trust of others on the team and their trust in us, continues to grow. We demonstrate our team spirit by building our trustworthiness with others.

Repeat after me:

I am trustworthy.

I keep my promises.

I keep my word.

I am worthy of the trust others place in me.

You cannot trust anyone that cheats or steals.  If you have ever had an item stolen from you or been cheated on, you know that feeling of violation, loss of trust and edginess that follows.  However my discussions this week with our students have included another aspect of trustworthiness when it comes to these trust breaking practices.

What would you do if someone asked you to take part in cheating or stealing?  How would you respond if someone asked you or demanded that you let them copy your homework so they could turn it in?

The immediate response from all students was  a resounding NO, I would not let them do that.  I would help them with their work or do it together with them or suggest that they get a note from their parents – but I would never just give them my work – that would be cheating.

The next question though was more difficult.  What would you do if it was your best friend that asked you to let them use your homework.  This changed the situation.  It added in the possibility of losing a best friend.  While the response was the same as previously, it did not come as quickly, as they thought deeply about all the possibilities.

When it comes to cheating and stealing, if we want to make a decision we will be proud of and happy that we did the right thing, we must prepare.  Think about the situation and make up your mind ahead of time that you will say NO.  Think of what you could do or say, “I will do it kindly and make suggestions of how to deal with the problem of not having done the homework – but I will not allow someone else, even a close friend, to copy my work and turn it in as their own.”

In 2012 the Josephson Institute of Ethics reported in a survey of 23,000 high school students from across the country, a decrease in cheating and stealing over the previous survey done in 2010.  All of the questioned students were self reporting.  Students also self reported overwhelmingly (85%) that “most adults in their life consistently set a good example when it comes to ethics and character”.

This is great news and heading in the right direction.   As these students become adults, the results of what they do and say grow in their consequences.  Cheating, stealing and lying become easier to justify as the stakes grow.  It is easier to go against the virtue of trustworthiness when a person feels like they have their back against the wall. When they do not know how they are going to get what they want.  When times get tough or when they have a belief that they are owed or deserve something better.

Trustworthiness can stand up to all of those difficult situations.  In the most difficult circumstance, we can and should ask ourselves, “Am I being reliable, accountable and dependable when I take this action or speak these words?”, and then make our choice.   As parents or adults that children look up to, it is important that we set the example, talk about the value of practicing ‘trustworthiness’ and let the youth in our lives see us display the virtue of trustworthiness in areas of small consequences to the very large ones.   When students see adults setting a good example in trustworthiness, they will imitate that example and the statistics for cheating will continue to decrease.

Up to the age of 10 or so most children are very concrete thinkers – they have not developed the ability to see gray areas or to think abstractly.  An example might be that it is difficult for them to understand the difference of when to keep a secret or to tell others what they have been told.

When we are teaching them about trustworthiness or or even loyalty we want them to know that their are times when they should keep a secret they have been told, like when we tell them or they find out about a surprise birthday party for a friend or their dad.  We also want them to know when it is necessary for them to tell a “secret”, when they should tell an adult what they know, like when a friend is being mean to someone or they have lied about an event.

How can we help them differentiate between the two?  When should they tell and when should they keep the secret?  Here is a question they can ask themselves to check in on how to make that decision.

If a secret can hurt you or someone else, you should tell an adult.

This simple testing statement can help keep them safe and develop other great gifts of character. Loyalty, honesty, trust, friendliness, fairness, fidelity, integrity, responsibility can all be tied into this simple check that even very young children can make.