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Creating peace at Thanksgiving gatherings

This time of the year we have many gatherings to go to and many of them involve family members and those close to us in other areas of our life.  Now I don’t know about you, but my guess is that you are much like me in that many of the occasions we go to, we do so with certain expectations.

We know ahead of time who is going to annoy us, who is going to brag, be outrageous or argue with us.  We think in our minds that we are going to do everything we can to stay away from certain subjects and sometimes people to try to keep the peace.  In fact the reason I am writing this is because from a ‘self-defense’ point of view, the things we do that harm us the most, come from our thoughts and mouth.

So what can we do to have peaceful gatherings?  For us to have the peace we are looking for we need to go to a place that may not seem to make sense at first.  If we are to change the relationships that we have, we must choose to be at peace with everyone in our life – and this time of the year especially with our relatives.

How can this possibly be true?  Because if the focus of our inner dialogue about our family members is on what they are doing wrong or how annoying they are, then that is exactly how your relationship is going to play out.  If what we notice about them is how annoying they are, then we are more likely to blame them for our annoyance.  But in reality the annoyance we are feeling is actually coming from our own thoughts.

In our mind we need to redirect our thinking to “My intention is to be authentic and peaceful with this person (relative)”, and that is the experience we will have.  I know this is true, I have seen it with myself and I am sure you have too.

Have you ever had a good relationship with someone and everything is going along very well and then they do something that hurts you really in a bad way?  What happens?  I have noticed that many times the very things that had been cute and appealing to me now begin to annoy me and they are very easily criticized.  We have all done this at some time. 

Our relationships are what we think they are.  I am going to talk about this more in the future, but for now just  know that,  No one is capable of making you upset without your consent.  When we decide to connect to peace, and bring peace to our relatives and relationships, we immediately gain the power to change the energy of the gathering that we attend in this season of thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

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Dependability: when we make a mistake

Recently I read a book about success.  The very first or second thing in the book was the question, Do you take responsibility for your life?  I thought this was interesting from the point of view that we hear individuals young and old who want to push off that responsibility from themselves onto anything else.  Then there is the thought that there is no in-between.  You either take responsibility all of the time or you don’t. 

When we take that responsibility is when we can begin to have success in life, because we recognize that the results we have achieved, good or bad, are the results of the choices we have made.

The same is true with the question of dependability.  Dependable individuals make mistakes.  But when they do they do 3 things.

  1. Apologize
  2. Take responsibility
  3. Make it right

 With the world filled with individuals who are quick to say, “It’s not my fault”, “It’s not my job”, “I forgot”, and every other excuse in the world, it is great to be around people who take the responsibility and in lieu of trying to lay blame, look for ways to solve problems or take on challenges that need attention.

That is what dependability is about. Being honest with ourselves and others, being dependable even when it is not comfortable, not making excuses or laying blame, is the way we act as leaders and we gain the trust of those around us.
 

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Setting priorities keeps us dependable

We have talked before about all of the things that we have to do and of course there are all of the thing that we want to do.  I am 55 years old and I still like to do the ‘want to do’s’ before the things that have real priority in my life.  

When we look at priority items they are generally things that affect other people, many times those who are the closest to us.  As a young person though it was easy for me to think that it did not matter, or that I just did not want to do this or that now and could see  no reason to do so.  How do we help our students think beyond that thought?

First: Help them to list all of the things that are on their plate.  School work, work at home for the family, friends and of course their own fun things to do.  Then give each item a priority label.  You can use something as simple as High, Medium or Low – A, B, C or if they are young a color code.

Second:  Discuss how each item has an affect on other people when they complete them or choose not to complete them.  The higher the priority the more affect it has on others and them as individuals.  This is all about recognizing the perspective of dependability.  You may even discuss how your actions affect them personally.  

Third:  Give examples of those in your family or people in history who kept their word and demonstrated dependability.  Many times the story is better than the lecture or just your desire for them to act in a certain way.

Fourth:  One of the things you will hear me say over and over again is that “we do the right thing because it is the right thing to do”.  I so believe this that I do not believe in bribing a child to do the right thing or dependable thing.  While we can help them think through what the consequences might be for making a bad choice, do not bail them out from choosing to act in an undependable way.  

If they do not tell you about the science project the night before it is due allow them to suffer the consequences.  If they leave their bike out in the rain – let the natural consequence take place.   These are awesome teaching moments – even if it is hard for us as parents to see it happen to them.

One final story.  We have 4 children and have promised all of them to pay for 4 years of college (none of this 5 & 6 year plans) and 6 months of living expenses after they get out of college.  After that, they are on their own.  You can imagine how when the first one got to the 6 month period and wanted more support – it was hard to stick to our commitment.  And it was our only girl, that made it that much harder.  But in the end she figured it out – she got through it and is doing very well today.   This was not just a great lesson for her but for the 3 boys that followed.  Believe me they all knew that we were committed to our word.  We could be depended on both for the good and the “Oh that hurts”.  

In the end the best way to teach dependability is to demonstrate it – even when it is challenging to do so.

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Dependability: time management

Each one of us play out a number of roles in our daily life.  It does not matter if we are 5 years old or 55.  Think about it – if you are 5 years old you could be a sibling, student in school and one or two extracurricular activities, grandchild, friend, and you may have been asked to be responsible for something in your church or other social group.

If you are a teen and adult it just multiplies.  We have our roles at work, friendships, citizens, students, family and more.  Each one makes demands on us that we find ourselves making commitments to and promises.  At time we feel stressed because in trying to be ‘dependable’ we may feel stretched too thin and may even feel like we do not have enough free time for our selves.

If we are going to be dependable and keep our commitments we must first be balanced and moderate in the things we promise.  One of the things that always surprises me is how much time a task takes that I thought would take so much less time. 

So in fact it is about time management and priorities.  If we want to be a powerful leader we must only make promises that we are able to keep.  Here is a quick hint I received from something I read recently.

Write down what you need to accomplish the next day –  the night before.
Choose the 3 most important things that will have the largest impact on your business, life or family
Tackle the biggest and hardest one first thing in the morning and stay with it until it is complete.

You will feel great about it and be able to do the other items easier, knowing that big one is complete.   More on time management later.  If you are going to be dependable though, it is most important to know when and how to say no and not to overload yourself.  

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Tai Chi class begins Nov. 15th

Just want to introduce you to our newest program at Balanced Life Skills.  On Sunday mornings at 10 AM we will have a Tai Chi class.  If you ever wanted to look into this form of art, this is your chance. 

I encourage you come out and try your first class for FREE.   To see the instructor perform and find information about the class please go to our Tai Chi web page.  Tai Chi  

We look forward to seeing you on Sunday’s.   The first class will be held on November 15th at 10 AM