Each month we define and discuss a word of character development with all of our students. This month the word is Manners. It will be defined this way.
Young students: “Showing kindness in everything I say and do!”
Older students: Manners means: Words and behaviors that show respect for other people.
If you would like to see how we will deal with this subject with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of April.
When it comes to solving the situation that faces us, we know that using our words in effective ways is key to calming down any of our responses. We have learned from others that expressing our feelings and why we feel that way to the other person is the first step. We will want to use “I” messages, no matter what age they are. None of us want to hear someone blame us for something or tell us don’t do this or that. It does not matter if we are a youngster or an adult. What touches us is when we know how our action affected the feelings of another person. Recognizing those feelings is practicing empathy.
So if I am a child I may say, ” I feel angry when you kick my blocks down”, and if we are talking to our parents we want to say, “I feel frustrated (angry, disappointed or whatever the feeling is) when I do not get to have a play date.” Then the conversation begins with more control and less emotions of the moment.
When parents set the example by doing the same in return to their children, it models to the child anger management. None of us want to or set out to hurt each other. Learning to calm ourselves down before we make a choice that we regret later is one of the most important self defense we will ever practice.
I have heard of therapist and psychologist suggest to individuals that it is a good idea if you are angry to go and take it out on your pillow. One person in fact bought a soft object from me that was made for swinging to be used by her client to hit objects in her room – just to get the anger out. So what do you think about this? I believe that if we take to hitting things when we are angry that we are practicing what we would really like to do. In fact we may one day when we are really angry not be able to control ourselves and actually do what we have practiced for all of those years, except this time it may be a real person.
We see this sometimes when someone, usually a man, who cannot control themselves, puts their fist through the wall. Eventually they will hit someone and create some very difficult situations for themselves. So what is the answer? We need to check in with our feelings and recognize that we are feeling anger. When we check in we may recognize that the feeling is not anger as much as it is frustration, jealousy, embarrassment or some other feeling. Once we recognize this we can ask ourselves, How can I calm down? It may be one of the four ways we suggested in an earlier post, or it may be another way that works for us. Then the question is, how do I solve this problem?
How to solve the problem is always interesting because we have an entire list of ways of doing this. Next time we will examine solving the problem.
The other day when I was teaching I mentioned to the students that anger management may very well be one of the most important self defenses that we could ever learn. Think about it for a minute. Most of us will never be kicked or punched in a violent attack that takes place in the street. But everyone of us will be angry about something at some point and depending on if we know how to calm down and think about the choices we have, may decide how much difficulty we make for ourselves.
Here are 4 ways that we can practice calming down.
1. Take 3 deep breaths. In fact take more if that is what is needed.
2. Count to ten or count down from ten to one.
3. Allow ourselves to listen to a friend say “calm down’, or we can practice saying it to ourselves.
4. Visualize in your mind a very peaceful place that you enjoy being.
In all 4 of these examples the idea is to get your self to a place in your head to think about all of your choices and the consequences of each one. We need oxygen in our brain to think and when we are angry, most people’s breathing gets very shallow and quick and does not get to the brain in sufficient quantities.
So which technique works for you? Or do you have another method that you use? some of the kids told me that they go to their room and hit their pillow. In my next post I will comment on that technique.
Everyone gets angry or sometimes has anger lingering in them. For a young person it may be having a toy taken away from them by another child. It may be not getting their way or what they want at that very moment. As we get older though we may be angered because of being lied too or we may be frustrated, feeling guilty or it may be due to a fear that we have.
I will tell you my own example. My father died when I was 13 years old. I did not even realize it – but it made me angry that he had left me alone at that time. That feeling followed me for a very long time and it was not till I was close to 30 years old that I realized that my anger about that unfortunate circumstance was having an affect on other parts of my life.
How we feel anger can be different too. It may be that we frown, clench our teeth, wrinkle our brow, feel it in our stomach, head or throat. Some may react by clinching their fist, crossing their arms, stomping their feet or screaming mean words. Others may just become very quiet and internalize their feelings. So as we begin to discuss anger management we recognize that it is about how we handle anger in a safe, fair and positive way. Of course it is OK to be angry, but its not OK to just someone with our words or physically because we are angry.
As if the garbage patch found in the Pacific is not horrific enough scientis have now announced that a similar area is found in the Atlantic Ocean. Here is a link to an article in the National Geographic about this situation.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/03/100302-new-ocean-trash-garbage-patch/
So what can we do? Reduce the amount of plastic that we consume. We have grown to be reliant on plastic everything – but we can as individuals take steps to reduce the amount that we use on a daily basis. I have personally taken this challenge and am recording the plastic that I use. Why record it? For me it helps to make me more aware of the issue and reminds me to question myself – Is there another way of doing this without plastic. Sometimes there is – sometimes there seems to be no choice.
Be Aware.
