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Anger management: our thinking ability

There are ten characteristics that create how one views the world and handles adversity.  Number two on the list that we will discuss today is when you are angry you are not able to analyze and think logically about the problem at hand.  Not thinking clearly comes in three different ways.

First it may show up by not wanting to talk about the problem or the situation.  The reason the angry child or adult does not want to have a discussion is that this would mean acknowledging the role they play in the situation.  Unwilling to admit to their weaknesses and being uncomfortable with answering questions they would prefer to stick to the blame game.  It is easier to blame the other person than talking about it and having to bear some of the responsibility.  As they use these avoidance tactics they continue the cycle and never have a chance to learn from their mistakes. In line with our earlier discussion of the 4 steps of anger it goes like this.  (a) the angry person cannot solve the problem so their failures and frustrations grow , buildup.  (b) the spark can be anything that leads the person to an explosion where they blame anyone or everyone around them.  (c) those that are blamed do not like to be around the angry person and so they are pushed away and the angry person feels a victory and justified. (d) if anyone tries to talk about the situation the attempts are rebuffed  (e) since there was no resolution the problem serves as the buildup for the next explosion.  We can help our children out of this cycle by helping them to see the rewards of discussing problems in a calm and upbeat manner.  Trying to do this though with a particular angry event will probably not work, but doing so using other examples will be the stepping stone to better conversations.

Second it may show up with weak thinking or circular thinking.  Have you ever found someone who is angry that could only remember in detail what the other person did but very little about how they contributed to the situation?  The reason is that they are focused on their defense and attack and are otherwise blind to everything else going on around them.  Even if they do remember they will magnify the details in a manner to support their own viewpoint. So when we hear the account from their point of view it does not even sound like we saw the same situation.  How do we solve this?  We must teach our children problem solving skills.  Here are three steps to take with your child or the angry person.  (a) gather all the facts  (b) show them another point of view  (c) and then help them to see how their actions had affect on their actions and or the solutions.  Problem solving skills need to be taught though on a daily basis with things that they are not intimately involved with.  Using movies or TV shows and asking them to anticipate what is going to happen next and then follow through with the results.  Or a board game that you can demonstrate how if you move here or there this will happen.  Some children have problems solving problems because their parents do too.  So work on it together and use the resources available to you including social workers and psychologists to learn problem solving skills and then you will be able to help your children too. 

Third it may show up due to confusing feelings with facts.  Emotions have a powerful influence on our thinking.  Have you ever noticed that if someone is in love the person they are in love with can do no wrong – but later the same person who could do no wrong can do nothing right if the original party is angry or upset with them.  This is the idea of confusing feelings with facts.  While this is tough enough for adults this is very difficult for children.  There is a difference though between feelings and thinking.  You may have a feeling based on a partial truth that could easily lead you to a wrong conclusion.  Children need to learn as do all of us that people can fiew the same situation in differnt ways and have different feelings about them and neither person be more right than the other person. Teaching our children about feelings and all the different ways we can feel and how they are different for every person is very important in overcoming this confusion of feelings and facts.

Setting a good example and showing our children how it works is the best way to learn to think things through and not react in strong angry ways.



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Kindness is self defense

This is a great video for youth or adults.  It will make you stop and think about why you are here on this earth.  I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.  It truly makes me smile.  I must give credit to Tom Callos for sharing it with all of his students too.  That was very kind.  It is important that when we learn something of value, when we are trying to practice something that we share it with each other.  Enjoy!

 

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Manners: compliments and critique

Teaching our children and remembering ourselves to be free with complimenting others for a job well done is key to how others feel about us and our relationships.  For some compliments come very easy.  We are quick to recognize the good the other person is doing and pleased to recognized them for a job well done.  For others though it comes slower and it is not as easy to give the compliment. 

When our children learn to say ‘good job’ to other children they lessen the chance that they will be picked on by others.  It is important though that the compliments that are given are genuine and not empty.  This is an interesting thought when it come to what our children see us do as parents or teachers.  If they see that we are constantly praising, giving praise and compliments when none are deserved they begin to learn a method of manipulation and hypocrisy.  That really raises the question then about how to give constructive critique versus harmful critisism without hurting the feelings or self esteem of your child or friend.

Here is a simple formula that teachers and parents can use very effectively.  It is called PCP. Praise, Correct, Praise.  Simple but it can be difficult to remember to do.  I know for myself I can be in a hurry to get the correction out and have to stop and think about the feelings of the other person, empathy, to be sure that I combine it with praise for what they are doing well.  When praise bookends a correction it is much easier to take to heart.  It is like putting the pill your dog needs between two pieces of cheese. 🙂 Doing so though is good manners.

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Sportsmanship: Definition

Each month we define and discuss a word of character development with all of our students.  This month the word is Sportsmanship.  It will be defined this way.

Young students: Sportsmanship means “I am fair and kind whether I win or lose.”

Older students: Sportsmanship means:  Respecting the rules and the spirit of competition.

If you would like to see how we will deal with this subject with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of May.



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Teachers are honored

Teachers are one of our most valuable resources.  We trust our children with them.  We trust them to help produce the future leaders of our country.  At Balanced Life Skills we honor them.  Here are some of our students with their teachers. 

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Anger management: characteristics

There are ten characteristics that create how one views the world and handles adversity.  If we can see that, it will help us to understand how a child or even ourself is thinking, which in turn helps us to find ways of dealing with our anger.  Over the next few weeks I will talk about all ten of them and let’s see if we can identify ways of managing this in our own house.

The first way we will discuss is the child that seems to create their own situations that lead to angry outbursts.  Many times they are unaware that the actions they are taking will provoke angry reactions.  For instance they may take a toy away from another child and not give it back, or they may pick on someone to the point of annoyance and get a reaction.  On the other had they may go about it more passively.  Let’s say that a child has been called out on his behavior and then decides in his mind that he can do no right and so decides to go silent and not interact.  This could cause a bad reaction and create and battle with they think they are avoiding trouble.

Anger can many times be building up over a long period of time, weeks or months, never forgetting and then using this to justify their actions.  So how can we overcome these self-fulfilling prophesies? 

 1.  Do not put a label on your child of any kind.  Take every instance and situation as a stand alone situation. I know how difficult this is, because we will find it hard not to connect all the other things that they have done together, which really only raises our own frustration.  Labeling a child though puts us in situation where we will find ourselves ‘looking for the anger’  and we know that when we are looking for something that we will find it.

 
 2. Expect the best of each child in each circumstance.  What we expect is what we will get, if our expectation is made in the proper manner.  If we expect our child to speak kindly to us and we model that for them, they will get it eventually and meet our expectation.  If we go into every interaction expecting an argument we will get that too.

 3.  Be fair.  It is amazing as hard as we might try not to do this, every parent has their favorite child. If you want to believe it or not it shows and though you may not see it or believe it, all of us must work on treating every one of our children or students the same.  In fact it is important for us to be fair for another reason. All of our children and students are watching how we deal with the child that is giving us the most trouble at the time and determining in their own mind how they will be dealt with at the time that they do something that is not in the parents favor.  This one fact will have an affect on them too. 

 4.  Hold no grudges.  If we are not willing to forget the past it will be difficult to break the cycle and does not allow them to have the room to change.  When we hold on to the past it will be harder for us to let them know that we believe in them and their ability to do better at managing their actions.

 5.  Let them know they can change.  If we focus on positive we will get better results.   If we use negative comments, insults, or demeaning phrases like, “I don’t know why I bother.”, it reinforces bad behavior.  When we are positive it lets them know that we believe in them and sets a positive direction for your relationship. 

Following these steps and setting an example for our children who create their own messes will let them see how you keep working on things that you may be struggling with and that you understand them.  Empathize with your child and see the positive results.