Each month we define and discuss a word of character development with all of our students. This month the word is Focus. It will be defined this way.
Young students: Focus means “I look and listen to one thing at a time.”
Older students: Focus means: Using laser-like concentration even when there are distractions.
If you would like to see how we will deal with this subject with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of June.
As I speak to children about different scenarios that they could see themselves in I continually hear the same one word answers, good, bad, mad. These are the labels that many children know and understand. So when asked about different situations they will use these as their answers many times. Yet we know that anger does not exist in a vacuum. There is always another emotion at work when there is an outburst. We recognize that in ourselves too.
With children though they may not have the words to identify the other emotions and so they are only, mad! When the child feels only the anger, they act on the anger and the impulses of the anger. So what can we do as parents? If we can put a label on the feelings for them by saying, “You must be feeling…..” this would be a good start. Some would say that we could say, ” You must be feeling angry.”, but we must be careful not to reinforce the feelings of being mad – and careful to watch to see if recognition of feelings of anger is used to redirect the energy to solving the problem. Our children may protest that they are not frustrated, jealous, or whatever the feeling might be that we name, but what we are trying to do is to build their vocabulary so they can start using the correct feelings words and finding ways of dealing with them.
As we make these attempts we will make mistakes and mis-characterize the emotion. Do not give up and just keep working at building everyone’s awareness of feelings.
This is an activity that has worked for me also. If I am feeling angry I try to stop and think, what am I really feeling? Am I scared, intimidated, frustrated, hungry or a whole list of other emotions and feelings. If those can be identified we many times can draw the attention to an emotion of feeling that we can control. That is very powerful.
As I discussed sportsmanship with our classes one thing came up that I found very interesting. Sportsmanship is very much like empathy. When we look at what we do through the eyes of others, when we put ourselves in their shoes we know immediately if what we are doing demonstrates sportsmanship.
I know that when I think about who I like to compete with it is those that don’t complain if they lose or gloat when they win. They don’t yell at me if I make a mistake, and they don’t make fun of me. They won’t push me and always try to make things fair. Now if they are the things that make me feel good about playing with someone, then I want to be sure to do the same for them. (that is empathy)
This is a great time to teach our children about empathy using sports or games. They can see and feel it and that experience will have the greatest impact on them.
We have all seen the child or the adult that sees others as the cause of their anger. Someone, or something provokes them, and their anger is the “reasonable response”, from their point of view. Its not their fault if they loss their temper because… This is a way of sidestepping the responsibility for their feelings and reactions and the damage that they may cause.
One of the reasons they take this position is because of feeling out of control over their lives. They may feel like their is very little they can do about a situation and in fact the pain that they are feeling and they are upset at those they they believe caused that pain. They feel like they cannot stop what is happening and so they go into the fight or flight mode – and they choose to fight. This lack of power they are feeling is brought on by not knowing that there may be a solution to the issue. The more they blame others the more they believe it and the more angry they become.
Some of the favorite methods they might use, actually brings more trouble to them and you will probably recognize some of these. They may speak in a sarcastic manner, criticize others, get in your face because of not knowing when to back off, or nag until the other persons patience is gone. Here is what we want to remember though: Even if there is a reason for the reaction and the anger, it does not absolve one of the responsibility. There is a difference from explanation and excuses, but that is hard for a child or an adult to see, especially if they have used these tactics for a period of time.
Even when children or adults continue to find a way of not taking responsibility and blaming others, we must recognize they are still feeling the pain and would very much like to get rid of the pain. One nine year old said, “One part of my brain tells me to stay calm and another part tells me to by angry. I can’t help it if the angry side wins.” What you hear in this is a cry for help, a desire for understanding from others and to feel like they are in control of their feelings. They don’t want to feel powerless.
What can we do to help a child or an adult who feels like this? We must teach them to recognize the causes of the anger and suggest alternative resolutions to the problems. This takes time and patience. My personal example I think is a good one for that. Every year at the beginning of November I became a bear to be around. I was short with everyone and took nothing from nobody. After looking at this deeply I realized that this was the time of the year that my father passed away when I was very young and subconciously I was still reacting to this. I was 32 years old when I figured that out. It takes patience. But please remember that patience is part of the lesson of problem solving.
Like in most things you will not solve problems by using the same thing against the problem. Do not shout, blame or have pointless discussions that the person deserved what they got. It solves nothing. Find a way to suggest that even if someone else is to blame that we need to find a solution to handle this that benefits you. This will be very helpful to the angry child or adult.
In any sport that we play or compete in there are rules that we follow so that everyone has the same opportunities and winning is based on who does better on the task at hand. Following those rules is good sportsmanship. At the same time keeping things safe in a competition is important too. So some sports have a ‘no pushing’ rule, or they may tell you how many individuals can be on the floor. This keeps things safe. Following rules like taking turns keeps things fair.
There are other kinds of rules though that are not written down but are still important to a game being fun for all the participants. These are rules of character. Rules of character are unwritten rules that ask us to be polite, kind and respectful to the coach, the referee, to our teammates, and to the opposing team.
If we follow the rules of character we are going to cheer others on and say “good game’, at the end of a game with a great attitude and smile. We will choose not to yell at our teammate or opponent, we are not going to BOO them, we are not going to argue with them. We may not agree and we may express our disagreement, but those practicing good sportsmanship will do so with respect, kindness and politely.
So they are cute and we have been told “don’t harm the lady bugs” but are all lady bugs good? One of our students and his family investigated the lady bug and found some things you must know for your garden this year. Here is a link to their report. Ladybugs Hope you enjoy this. What a great job!
