Author: Joe Van Deuren

The first word we here in trustworthiness is ‘trust’.  Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote,” I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”  There are many ways of losing that trust and it is not just with words.  As we get older, teens and adults, it is not about games, tests and papers any more.  The concept of trust goes to a much higher level and becomes very personal in our relationships in love, work and friends.

The second part of that word is ‘worthiness’.  Are our words and deeds worthy of trust?  If we were to ask ourselves how the other person might feel if we take this action or say these words it will help us to be aware of the affect and consequences of our words and actions.   Being truthful with tact and kindness will make all of our relationships much stronger.

While some may be willing to put up with others not being truthful most find it very hard to continue in a relationship where trust has been lost.  It simply is not comfortable to be in any kind of relationship – personal or business – that you are suspicious of those that you have interactions with.  We can begin teaching our children these values and principles by helping them to appreciate that being trusted is one of our most valuable qualities.  By not cheating or taking what does not belong to us in little things we set the course for when we are older and the stakes are higher.

This is a question that every parent has asked themselves, just not understanding how “their child” could possibly do this to them.  Children lie for the same reason that their parents do, they are attempting to solve a problem.

Problem: I want to go outside to play  and I have homework –

Solution: Tell mom and dad I did it already.

Problem: I want to go to a friends house but my room is not clean –

Solution: Stuff everything under the bed and tell mom I cleaned.

Problem: I don’t like what is in my lunch

Solution: Tell mom I ate it, but really I threw it away.
Sometimes the ‘problem’ is not disappointing you or wanting your approval.
Problem: Broken vase

Solution: “I didn’t do it.” (knee jerk reaction)
Lying is a faulty problem solving technique for the child.  Now that we know that they are using it as a problem solving technique we know what they really need is not a lecture on how “bad” they are for lying, but rather they need better problem solving techniques.  However that does not mean that there should not be consequences for lying.  Here is the key to the consequences though.  It is best to have a consequence for the lying and a separate consequence for the behavior or problem they were trying to solve.  For example; if the problem is not turning in homework – you may have a consequence for lying about it (taking something away for a short period of time) and a problem solving technique (a specific time to do school work under your supervision.  This would be even if they say they have no homework – they still must use this time to study and do school work until you can see improvement).
There is an Asian philosophy called ‘Mushin’ – staying calm and disconnected when you have been triggered by an act or words.  When dealing with lying as parents we cannot take it personally and we have to simply have a consequence that we apply in a matter of fact manner for lying that happens every time.  Our children have to know that they cannot get around the rules simply by lying.  No lectures on the morality of lying (though in a less heated moment it is good to discuss this) but rather a value that the family has;  “in our family we tell the truth” and we solve problems in other ways other than lying.   Being trustworthy is one of the most important connections we have with our children and the need for trust goes both ways.  Learning and practicing better problem solving skills will reduce the amount of lying done by our children.

One of the differences between one who reaches their goals and has a successful career and life and those that do not is in this quality of trustworthiness.  Those who consistently tell the truth, keep promises, keep secrets, do not cheat, follow the rules, do the right thing because it is the right thing to do and are accountable for the mistakes they make – achieve success in all parts of their life.

Those who choose to do otherwise may gain some short term successes, but in the long run their success will be very shallow and they will create a legacy of not being trustworthy.  Teaching our children about trustworthiness is not just what we talk about, but mainly about what we demonstrate with our actions.

 

Each month we define and discuss a word of character development and life skill with all of our students.

This month the word is Trustworthiness and will be defined this way.

Young students: Trustworthiness means, “You can count on me, to do the right thing.”

Older students: Trustworthiness means:  Worthy of trust by being Reliable, Accountable and Dependable. (RAD)

Here are the worksheets for our students:

Trustworthiness Project Tiger Tot

Trustworthiness Project 5-6 year olds

Trustworthiness Project 7-12

Trustworthiness Project Teen : Adults

If you would like to see how we will talk about TRUSTWORTHINESS with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of May or come in and TRY A CLASS.