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Who is more angry, men, women or children?

ad_anger_topics_lgWhile this has been a question that has been discussed for many years and with differing results, social norms or the expectations of society have tainted our views and actions. One of the issues that comes up is the acceptance of the emotion of anger in men. It is accepted and even seen as a good thing for men to express their anger. It is seen by many as showing their strength. In fact it is encouraged beginning with the games boys are encouraged to play, and venting of their anger is taken out with the way business is conducted, hunting, play or real fighting, and other aggressive acts. All of this grows into a feeling that anger and aggression is normal for men and this norm is reinforced by the media.

On the other hand women have for many years been told it is important for them to be nice, and good girls, don’t rock the boat. They have been the peacemakers and not allowed to express their anger as openly as men, as this would not be lady-like. Though repressed in so many ways, in the last 150 years though, the more open assertion for equality and voicing their opinions, may make some in society feel that women are more angry.

When looked at in totality every human needs education about anger and in particular their own anger and triggers of that emotion. Anger is normal – it is the way it is expressed that creates the problems for us in our relationships. Which brings us to our children. Are they more angry today then they were in the past?

parenting-problemI personally believe that children are more angry today than ever before. They learn so much from the examples of the adults around them; parents, teachers, coaches, drivers on the road, media, games they are playing. They see so many bad examples and then are told to “be good”, not to be aggressive, stop yelling, etc… and they are confused. Out of the confusion of what is right or wrong comes hurt, fear, pain and anger.  Our whole society is more angry than ever before and each generation seems to be having more difficulty with this emotion.

The solution seems to need to begin with anger management education for parents and children. Education for teachers and students, coaches and players. Each one of us can take the steps to understand our own anger and get educated in helping ourselves and our children.

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Bay Babies In Need: Understanding Poverty in Anne Arundel County

I wanted to share with everyone a great service project that has been created by a student at South River High School.  It is a much needed service and one that all of us could help out with.  Please support Siena and Food Link  by supplying essential items to struggling families with newborns through Food Link’s Emergency Baby Pantry program.   At the same time, increasing awareness of poverty in Anne Arundel County.   Siena says, “My hope is to change the face of poverty so that we may be more tolerant and understanding of those in need.” 

Check out Siena’s video:

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The Connection of Stress, Focus & Time Management

Stress is felt by individuals of all ages. When asked about stress in their lives, 9 year olds and up all admitted that the number of activities they had and deadlines to meet all brought not just stressful feelings, but created an inability to focus on one thing at a time. As we investigate that even further though, not focusing was really exasperated by a lack of time management.

whatplanThe lack of time management and organizational skills is really the result of not prioritizing the important things that need to be done. When discussing this with students they have much to do on any given day; homework, practice an instrument, practice martial arts, eat dinner, cleaning their room, chores, playing with friends, etc… Which one should be done first and in what order?

One of the most effective way I have seen for prioritizing is to make your list on any given day of the activities needed to be accomplished and then choose either the one that takes the most time or the one that is hardest for us to do and doing that item first. Once that difficult one is complete everything else seems a lot easier.

Planning also comes into the equation.  So many times we may have a project, school or work, and we know it is coming but we procrastinate on getting started until there is no time left and then the stress levels go up and focus goes down. Learning to plan ahead, either with doing a little everyday or setting aside a time to plan, to work on and to complete the project – with some leeway – will reduce the stress and allow us to get other items done that are on our must do list.  I often use the Ultimate Black Belt Test as an example of doing a little everyday to create a much larger result. Part of the test was 52,0000 push ups and sit ups. If you miss a week you are 1,000 behind.  Do just 150 per day and you complete ahead of schedule.

Planning, prioritizing and getting started is great for relieving stress and improving focus.

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Why Does My Child Get So Angry?

angry childChildren who are seemingly irrational in their anger, and who begin to act out aggressively can be a danger to themselves and to others. From the outside it looks like they are triggered by very small actions, but the rage that they act out is many times out of much larger fears, emotional hurt, or a feeling of powerlessness or helplessness.

Interestingly both adults and children who explode are not been able to see the bigger picture, or see anyone that stands in the way of them getting their needs met as the enemy and so that little part of their brain – the one that is meant to protect them – reacts in a fight or flight manner. In the person who explodes, the reaction is to fight and protect themselves.

Determining the needs that are not getting met is part of helping the child or adult overcome the outbursts of anger as a reaction to their triggers. When we can find the needs that need to be met, then we can work on finding more healthy way of meeting those needs. When working with children, some of the work will be with the child and parts of it will be helping parents understand how they can help their child to be more relaxed and confident in themselves.

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Anger: Do You Explode or Implode?

urlMany times parents will say to me that their child holds it all in and does not express themselves and other parents are concerned because their child seems to be set off very easily and are not shy about expressing their anger.  Neither approach is healthy!

The exploder is the person who can go from zero to one hundred in a split second. Their anger many times does not seem rational. It is aggressive and in this high state of emotion they become a danger to those around them and a danger to themselves. Many times they will apologize afterwards and may express regret for their behavior.  When we think of a picture of anger being demonstrated we think about exploders.

The imploder will bottle up their anger, for long periods of time and may be known as being sensitive. They in fact have a fear of anger – both their own and that of others but can get so filled with anger that they explode also. It is like the anger can no longer be contained and it spills out all over the place. As an observer we may not even see it coming.  There is a great deal of harm done to ourselves when we keep all that anger inside ourselves, both physically and emotionally.

Do you recognize either of these in yourself or in your children?  Learning to manage our anger is a step by step process. We can learn to be assertive without being aggressive. As parents it is our goal to model this for our children. Children can learn too how to see anger as a feeling that is normal and to express their anger in a healthy manner.  Teaching these skills is the key to anger management education.

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Is Yelling Safe?

If more than half of all parents are yelling at their kids, what are the results?  Is yelling any different than physical abuse?  Here is an interesting interview that is based on research done at University of Michigan and Pittsburg.