Joe Van Deuren |

February 22, 2014

Family Mission Statement – A “Constitution” For The Family

Why does our family exist? Have you ever considered the question, Why have a family?…. What is our family all about?…. What do you really want to do and be as a family?… What are the principles that our family lives by?

Any successful business use a mission statement as a “constitution” of sorts to guide their decision making process and their operating procedures while they manufacture widgets. They find that having this kind of unified standards and guidance helpful in keeping everyone on the team headed in the same direction, and to employ individuals who share the same values. They are only manufacturing things! Families are having and molding children.

A mission statement for a family defines this families purpose, goals and standards. The mission statement describes our reason for being. It is our vision for this small unit with thought given to what the unit will produce. The family with a mission statement, that they refer to often – knows where they are going and makes decisions based on an end result.

Too many children today though have no clear direction that is articulated beyond – do well in school so you can go to a good college. Is that really the whole goal in life, to be able to say, “I went to a great college.”? When there is no bigger picture for our children, they will look for it elsewhere. Unfortunately the media is there to tell them what are good values, what ‘everyone’ is doing, and what behaviors are acceptable. It becomes very easy to get swept away with trends, fads and the values of others out of control. That really is not what we want for our children.

If our children are not grounded with a greater purpose, they may feel like they only have to hold it together, keep it functioning from day to day. How much better for them to learn that they can live with and for something bigger than just themselves. In our work to create a culture of peace, I believe that we need to define our mission or purpose and then live by it, for our children to feel safe and secure.

February 17, 2014

4 Stumbling Blocks to Self Reliance

While it is great to have others around us to push and encourage us to take on a task or a new skill, there are 4 stumbling blocks that can makes us feel less confident when those encouraging words are not around. They are (1) Fear, (2) Laziness, (3) Negative people, (4) Negative self talk.

Fear – The two fears that can sum up all others are fear of failure and fear of not being enough. It is this fear of failure that attacks many of us, thinking that we would be embarrassed in front of others, or that we may be laughed at, or we may be ‘perfectionist” and are afraid we will not be able to master the task quick enough. Finally there can be the fear of success also. With this fear we are concerned about the added responsibility that will come with our success.

How to overcome these fears will be discussed in detail at our upcoming Parent Coaching Series on Optimism. But ultimately our belief of the results of the task or what has or might happen affects our response.

Laziness – This seems to be such a harsh word, but sometimes we try to find the easy way out or get others to do for us. We have to be careful too, of asking others to do for us what we could do for ourselves. This can become a habit – even with children.

Overcome this habit is first to be aware and ask ourselves, could I do this on my own? If so step up and complete the task.

Negative people – Unknowingly and certainly not on purpose adults many times will tell children that they cannot do something that they are dreaming about. Imagine if a child had a dream of raising a large sum of money for a charitable cause and the adults around them told them, “that’s nice – but you can’t do that.” It starts a process of negative thinking in the child. When others tell us we cannot do something it affects the way we think about ourselves and abilities.

Surround yourself with those who ask more of yourself than you do.

Negative self talk – Sometimes we tell ourselves we cannot do something even before we try. reducing our own fear of failure is to know that everyone – even well intentioned and good people – make mistakes. Increased tolerance of our own mistakes, limitations and miscues will help us from putting ourselves down as not able to accomplish tasks.

Learn the A,B, C’s of Optimism (On March 12 at 5:30 the Parent Coaching Series will discuss this subject)

So what are some new tasks that you might be willing to try? Is there something that would make a big difference in your life that you have feared starting or you told yourself you could not do? Are you willing to talk to yourself in a different way and go for it?

February 14, 2014

Happy Valentines Day – Preventing Heart Disease Is Self Defense

Happy Valentines Day! While it is a day possibly for you to think about those that you love, it is also a good day to think about being around to express your love for family and friends for a long time. Valentines Day is symbolized by the heart. So here is a self defense note for all of us – old and young.

Heart disease is preventable, yet heart disease is and has been the number one cause of death for a very long time. In 2010 597,689 people in the United Stated died due to heart disease. Nearly one fourth of everyone who passed away did so due to a preventable disease. Every single day of the year 1637 mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters lost a loved one who will no longer be with their family to enjoy each other.

For me this is very personal. My father died of heart disease 46 years ago. Maybe they did not know as much as they do today or maybe they did and he did not pay attention. What I know is that he was not a part of my life when I needed a father more than anything. What about you? Do you have children or others depending on you, looking up to you, wanting you to be there for them. Here are the facts:

HEART DISEASE IS LARGELY PREVENTABLE!

Just a few tips:

Control high blood pressure
Get active
Eat right
Achieve and maintain a healthy weight
Manage stress and anger
Control diabetes

Be mindful of these tips and take action and you reduce the risk factors.

Have you noticed that the self defense that Balanced Life Skills teaches includes anger management, stress reduction, healthy eating and good exercise. This kind of self defense is just as important as knowing how to escape a physical attack. In fact, all of us are more likely to be affected by heart disease than to be attacked physically. (there were 16,259 deaths in the same period of time due to homicide) It is most likely all of us will be affected by stress and anger even if we practice good eating and exercise.

Balanced Life Skills is dedicated to teaching peace. Peace is self defense.

February 13, 2014

Self Reliance & the Challenge For Parents

Self reliance and resiliency go hand in hand. Instilling this sense of self reliance in our children requires that we know when to step in and when to step back. We want to build the independence and encourage our children to explore without fear of failing, but at the same time not push them too fast for where they are developmentally. This is quite a balancing act and as a parent or teacher we will get it right sometimes and we will make some mistakes along the way also.

The challenge for the parents is being able to watch our children struggle with a task without stepping in, taking over, and being overly involved, to the point of not allowing them to develop resiliency and self reliance. When they do succeed – on their own – they gain confidence and learn that they can do it by themselves. If we step in too soon, too often, we risk their ability to learn these beliefs about themselves. Research is showing that over involved parenting may lead to higher levels of depression and anxiety in children and teens.

I believe sometimes the term “we are building self esteem” is not accurate. Is it us as parents building self esteem, or are we allowing them to grow and thrive? Their faith in themselves to be able to achieve and do things, even if they fail in the beginning multiple times, comes from parents allowing the failure to take place, encouraging them with our belief in them and their abilities, coaching (but not doing for) them and celebrating the small incremental improvements. Parents and teachers will want to help students learn to have positive self talk – telling themselves – “I can do it” for the times that others are not around to encourage them to press on.

Our children have a need for autonomy and this need grows as they get older. We can create opportunities for them to believe in themselves and become independent over time, as they grow into confident, resilient, self reliant young adults.

February 12, 2014

Are we more dependent than ever before?

With more technology available to all of us than ever before, it may seem that we have become more self reliant. I can remember a time even as an adult that I could not type, but with the advent of the personal computer, I now do things for myself, that in the past I would have passed on to others to do.

This raises the question though if with all of this new ‘self reliance’, are we really there or have we become more dependent in other ways – phones with us all the time, concern about who or how many ‘likes’ we have or comments on our posts. I have found myself concerned, that as I write many blog posts – are they being read, am I reaching the audience?

While we benefit from all of the advances in technology – we may want to ask ourselves – How is my personal growth? Personal growth is a measuring tool for self reliance. Am I growing in a way that I trust my own judgements on matters, or am I too concerned about what others are doing or what they will think or approve of. Am I learning to trust in my own powers and abilities to try something new? When a course of action is not getting the results we are looking for – do we trust that we can try a new way of approaching the situation?

Even though asking for help is a great idea – and then using those new skills, thoughts and decision making abilities to get the job done.

February 11, 2014

Tips For Teaching Self Reliance to Children

Several years ago when we first introduced the concept of self-reliance to our students, I realized I had some work to do in this area. It is funny how you know what others need – but when you look deeply at yourself, you may see that you personally have the same needs. I realized that I was more than willing to ask others to do things for me that I was perfectly capable of completing – ( I called it delegating) – but really it was giving away what I was responsible for myself.

To build self reliance in our children, we have to as parents, stop doing things for them that they are able to do themselves. We can help build this character trait in our child in both school and in life with a few simple tips.

Provide responsibilities – All children need chores or a way to contribute to the family, for them to learn responsibility and to learn that they can do things on their on. Beyond household chores they are responsible for their school work too. In any event, it is the completion of responsibilities on their own that creates self reliance.
Organization – it is key that they have a schedule, a workplace, possibly a checklist, before starting work on a project. Help them to keep all of this in one place, and they can begin their work independently from start to end. This step can be done with household chores or school work.
Chunking their work – Breaking up any goal into smaller tasks and checking them off, helps them to see their progress that they are making on a larger project. You will have to show them how to think that way, make their list and concentrate on the smaller individual areas one at a time.
Use a timer – Set the timer and have them work independently for a designated amount of time – without asking questions, getting up or talking – this is their time to work on the project. When the timer goes off they can choose to continue or get up and move around or ask questions. Check to see the progress they have made and see if anything can be checked off the task list.

Finally, making mistakes is the OK. Do not hurry in to fix the bed that is not perfectly made, or the homework that is not as good as you would have done (it is not your homework). Practice leads to learning and mastery. Praise the effort, the initiative and find one good thing to praise.

Based on my own experience, I am thinking that there are probably some of us adults that could put these tips into action for ourselves. I did!