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Should children be allowed to fail?

I just read a headline and summary of an article about a young man in a private school who received a letter grade of “D” in an honors biology class. So what did the student and parents do? They sued the school for not doing enough to help their son so that he would not get rejection letters from colleges he was applying to. Fortunately the judge in the case did not see it the same way, but this does bring up an important discussion.

Really? Is this a realistic expectation in real life?
Really? Is this a realistic expectation in real life?

Expecting that our children should or will get all of the best grades and will excel at everything they try is not realistic and creates way too much pressure on them.  When they see us as adults make mistakes and recover with effort and perseverance they learn how to handle disappointments in their own performance.  On the other side though, not allowing our children to have disappointment, consequences or failure by swooping in and saving them from every situation where we are afraid they might not “feel” good about themselves or get what they “want so bad” does not build – self esteem, resilience, grit, confidence, or anything that will help them in the real world.  

In the end children who do not learn to put in the extra effort or to pick themselves up and start over again, learn to feel helpless, hopeless, shocked at failure, and have an increased amount of depression.

That is one of the greatest lessons children learn in the arts and especially the martial arts. It is a safe place to work on a skill, make mistakes, keep working at it and then see improvement and success, all the time being encouraged by others for their incremental improvements. We have setbacks – we may have a test we do not pass, or a stripe we do not get, but we learn that with some extra effort, coaching and practice we can improve and be successful.

Combining failure or disappointment with effort and perseverance equals greater success and resilience for the next event in our life that may have larger implications. What other parts of your life can you use to learn these life lessons?

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Kindness & Mean-Spirited Behavior – an Important Discussion

Do we really want to talk to our kids about being mean? The answer to this question is yes! In order to comprehensively teach children about kindness, they also have to grasp the concept of mean-spiritedness, its consequences and often-times its devastating results.

Unfortunately all of us, including our children, have to deal with individuals that exhibit hurtful behavior. It is important for our children to understand that any type of mean behavior that they initiate either on their own or in a group setting can have a strong, negative impact on the recipient. They must grasp that this type of behavior is aggressive, may become bullying or even abuse – none of which is ever acceptable.

A nice exercise to do with your children regarding this topic starts with giving them some examples and asking them what they think the recipient of that behavior may feel. This is a great way to hear their thoughts, and get a meaningful discussion started regarding kindness vs. mean-spirited behavior. Some ideas to get the creative juices flowing:

  • A group of children are playing and another child wants to join in, but the group will not allow the child to play, and they start laughing and making fun of the other child.
  • A student is called on in class and doesn’t know the answer, and a bunch of kids start whispering and laughing.
  • There is a child that is new to the class and is standing on the side of the playground with no one to play with. One of the boys in the class goes over to him and asks if he wants to play.
  • A child is walking down the hallway and trips. One of the kids walking in the other direction helps him up.

children-playingYou’ll note that two mean-spirited and two kindness examples are listed. Following these examples, let your children come up with their own examples and the impact on the recipient, both positive and negative. Encourage a discussion of behavior they have seen and even behavior they themselves have exhibited. If they share instances where they exhibited mean behavior, keep an open mind and ask them what they can do differently next time. Always keep the conversation going in a positive manner about better choices.

When it comes to kind or mean-spirited behavior there’s always a choice. Your children will have to make these choices every day. Through discussion you can help your children uncover the right actions on their own, where kindness is always the chosen option.

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Appreciating Mom’s in the world

Mothers Day at Balanced Life Skills is coming soon!  Watch this video to the very end, and then just imagine actually applying for this job.  Because of our appreciation for the moms in the world – watch for something special coming soon!

 

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Should your family have a mission statement?

Creating a mission statement for our families may not have been the first thing on our mind as we just try to get through our days being sure the kids get to where they need to go and dinner is served at a reasonable hour.

Imagine however that at your place of employment that you were expected to just “do” and you did not know what the goal was, or that your goal was simply to collect a paycheck at the end of the week.  At some point you no doubt would be looking for more.  More satisfaction, more purpose, responsibility and in general an understanding of why am I doing this?

Every family to be strong enough to get through the confusing / difficult times or even to make good decisions in the good time, needs to know why they do what they do.  Knowing that greater purpose, helps our children too, to make decisions based on values and purpose.  In our 30 minute presentation we will discuss the why and how to create a family mission statement.  You will be moved to clarify the “why” your family exists and what is important to you that you would like to pass on to your children.

Join us at Balanced Life Skills at 5:30 PM on Wednesday April 16 in the Media Room

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Programs to create peace in families

logoNo matter the age of our children, we must as parents always be preparing them and ourselves for the future. On Friday morning I had the privilege of attending a program put on by Southern High School, on substance abuse. Chris Herren, a one time NBA star, spoke about the “first day” and the abuse of alcohol and drugs and where it leads. A very strong program that I wish that not just the kids had heard – even the parents.

The night prior to that I gave a presentation to the Mayo Kiwanis Club on understanding suicide prevention. It was also a powerful presentation that spoke on a subject that is heavy and sometimes hard to talk about. Again though, one that every parent must understand – no matter the age of their children. On May 3 at 10 AM Balanced Life Skills will host a “Gatekeeper” training. In just 90 minutes you will learn what each of us needs to know to protect our children and all of our loved ones from self harm. I encourage every parent, grandparent, and high school student to attend.

This Wednesday night at 5:30 at Balanced Life Skills I will personally present on the subject of Creating a Mission Statement for our Families. This 30 minute presentation will cover why this is critical to resilience in our children and how to go about doing it with the involvement of all in the family.

Why is Balanced Life Skills so involved in presentations like this for families? It truly is our mission to help parents to have more peace in their lives. Please join us as we create a culture of peace in ourselves, families, schools and community.

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Acts of Kindness Challenge Is On!

The acts of kindness challenge is on. We are challenging our community of children and students to complete a “ninja” style act of kindness. Everyone or anyone can do this! Here is how it works,

ninja kindnessTake a piece of paper, write a special note to someone – your mom, dad, teacher, brother or sister or a friend. The note will tell them how awesome they are, thank them for being so cool or some other special message. Then hide it somewhere in their pocket, next to their toothbrush, in a drawer, anywhere they would be surprised to get it. Here is the deal though – Don’t get caught putting it there – ninja style. Then wait to see what happens.

An act of kindness does not have to be big or expensive. It just needs to make someone smile. Can you make someone smile today?