Joe Van Deuren |

November 12, 2014

Reduce Stress – Don’t be a control addict!

Have you ever known a person that has to be in control? In fact they must tell others – especially those close to them – what they need to do all of the time. There are a number of reasons that a person may be a ‘control freak’, but rarely do they see themselves as that controlling person. Unfortunately the need to control others is also a factor in feeling more stressed and ultimately to anger.

As a parent, my personal need to control may be justified with the reasoning ‘that I know what is best for you’, or ‘I am just trying to protect you’. This is reasonable with the youngest of children, but as they get older it becomes a problem if we are not willing to give them choices and a voice in decisions about themselves. It may also be a problem for us as we may feel anger and behave in an angry manner.

Conflict, stress and angry behavior occur when the other party begins to push back. With a child this may happen at a very young age or it may wait longer till their tween years. If it does wait till the tween’s and we as parents have become comfortable and even desire having that control, the push back can get pretty ugly.

If we find ourselves feeling stressed and feeling angry, maybe even raising our voice and behaving in a manner that we know is not setting the right example, think about the following possibilities.

Rather than trying to control every little thing, give the child (young or teen) choices (with some leeway) and consequences for their behavior. That way they can choose to do – not to do – what you want (and experience – or not experience – the consequences). To continue to feel good about yourself, you must be willing to be good with the choices you or they are suggesting and be willing to enforce the consequences.
Consider an example of a teen that is late coming home even though he/she has promised to do so by a certain time. The solution is to set a time with leeway (of possibly 15 minutes) or lose a predetermined privilege that all have agreed to. As the parent you maintain control in a reasonable manner and you have given the choice of compliance or consequence to the child or teen. Think of your own examples of how this concept might work in your family. This practice will reduce the stress you are feeling from not being in complete control.

November 11, 2014

How do we change the culture in our schools?

As we look at the question of bullying in our schools and how to deal with this issue, it may be that we should stop looking at the kids and wondering what is wrong with them and ask ourselves what are we doing that sets a better example for them. If our goal to change the culture of schools to a culture of kindness and a culture of peace is to come to fruition, we must include everyone – including ourselves as parents, teachers and administrators.

How do we go about changing culture?

Step one: Set Expectations – Ask ourselves what do we want our culture in the schools to look like? What are the core values that we want to live by in the classroom to be? Does everyone from administration to the student understand what those values look like in real action? Do they agree that these are good goals?

Step two: Role model – This step after agreeing to what it looks like is the personal practice. As the teacher in the classroom am I demonstrating the core values, am I living them? As the administrator in the school, do I treat the teachers and custodian with the same level of respect when asking them to do something that I expect from the students when they make a request of a teacher. Every school may have different core values or we could call it personality traits. Each school though would agree that respect is at the top of the list.

Step three: Teach your students – As we are adjusting ourselves as parents and teachers, there is something very helpful about teaching the values and social skills that we want to see in our students and children. This should be done on a daily basis, just the same as the way we teach any subject. While the role modeling is our biggest teacher, helping student in just 3 minutes a day to understand how the skills can be seen in real world will also be a great aid to the teacher. ETED is the acronym for Every Teacher Every Day – shall I add in every class. Teaching the values and skills of a peaceful society in every class by every teacher tells the student – this is not a program – this is what our school does.
Three steps, none of them are particularly easy. All of them require that we think about what we stand for and believe in and force us to work on ourselves. Most if not all of our teachers and administrators have Masters and Doctorates. Our goal is to live Mastery – not willing to have a mediocre classroom – but to have a peaceful, kind classroom that kids are enjoying learning in. As a group of dedicated educators we can change the culture of our schools and classrooms. If you want to learn more, please contact me to start the process in your home or in your school.

November 10, 2014

Keeping our commitments shows responsibility

What kind of promises have you made to your friends / classmates / children or those that you work with? Following through on those promises is a way for us to show our responsibility. Most of us have at sometime made a commitment though that we found ourselves not keeping. Those commitments may be to others – but the hardest ones to stick to are the ones that we have made to ourselves. How can we do a better job of keeping commitments that we make to ourselves?

1. Be specific to what we are committing to. If I say I will eat healthier, what does that mean? What will eat or not eat? Do I have an eating plan, what time I will eat, how many calories, will I prepare my food ahead of time? Being specific about what we will do will help us when our willpower is weakening.
2. Be accountable to someone. There are always times when we will want to give in to our own selves, but having a partner that will hold our feet to the fire may be key to our ability to fulfill our promises to ourselves. Need extra leverage? Put a dollar value to it. If you do not complete your promise – it will cost you XX$$.
3. Start small and practice. The more you are able to keep small commitments on a regular basis, the more momentum you will have for getting the bigger ones done too.

Why is this so important? It is our ability to keep commitments to ourselves that shows the measure of respect we have for ourselves. Respect for ourselves, trusting ourselves to keep our promises that we make to ourselves opens the doors for our ability to keep promises to others.

If we are a parent – our practice will set a great example to our children and we will be able to help them to keep their commitments without being seen by them as hypocritical.

November 7, 2014

You are most likely to know your attacker – now defend yourself

Attackers are more likely to be someone you know than it is for them to be a stranger. This is especially true for a young person. Many times the attacker feels a grudge for the other person, doesn’t like them for some reason or has been encouraged to attack them by others.

What can you do if someone tries to pick a fight with you or is pushing all of your buttons? Unfortunately if you decide to take them on physically you may be making a bad situation worst. Once the aggressor has decided you are their target they have already put themselves into a higher state of aggression with adrenaline running high. They may have mind altering substances in their body which are making them irrational. If you engage that personality, you may be in for a physical fight that could have been avoided.

Can you de-esculate the situation? In many cases you are able to de-esculate long enough for you to remove yourself from the area. This is very important if the aggressor has got you alone or away from others. It is harder to do when there are others around, not because we cannot use our skills to de-esculate, but rather because our ego or theirs may be getting into the way.

This is not the time to prove how strong or talented we are in the area of ‘beating someone up’. It makes more rational sense to allow ourselves to be seen by others as less than, and survive, than to be trying to prove a point. Using our words to de-esculate may not always work, but our staying calm will not make the situation worse. Saying and doing things that do not threaten your attacker can give you some control.

In the end if the aggressor continues – then of course you must defend yourself, even physically. Learning how to do so and practicing in a safe environment like Balanced Life Skills is the best way to be prepared.

November 6, 2014

Who is responsible to do this job?

All of us have responsibilities / jobs / chores. I have thought about how to help our students see that their responsibilities or jobs are just as important as those of their parents. I have asked them what would happen if parents decided just not to go to work? or to clean the house? or to drive them to an activity? They agree that there would be chaos.

What would happen if no one took out the garbage? did the dishes? brushed their teeth? went to school? fed the dog?

What would happen if teachers chose to not teach? just play all day? If waste collectors did not show up? or You fill in the blank…..

When we think about the jobs that we do as adults and those that children are asked to do, the only difference is not if the job is important – the only difference answers the question; Am I able and responsible enough to do the job? If you are 8 years old you won’t be driving, but you could set the table. If you are 12 years old you won’t be paying the mortgage – but you may be asked to keep the yard clean and green.

Who is responsible? All of us are responsible for what we are able to do, been asked to do, or have promised to do.

November 5, 2014

Being mindful of your thoughts and self talk

I want to tell you a story about two people that went on a camping trip. Neither of them were seasoned campers, but it sounded like fun. They got all of their gear together – probably a lot more than they really needed. They packed up the car, and off they went on their adventure. They got to their camp site and set everything up and all was fun, until two days later the rains began. Oh yes, not just the rain – but the wind too. It blew so hard and the rain was coming down sideways.

The two campers were scared as the winds grew stronger, pulling the stakes out of the ground and they were getting wet. They were so miserable. Finally deciding they could take no more they abandoned the site, found a cheap hotel and spent 2 days in the hotel with nothing to do but watch a small black and white TV. No fun activities, no sight seeing, nothing to do. Soon the rain stopped and they went back to the camp site to retrieve their equipment, only to find that it was destroyed. What was not destroyed was missing. They were devastated.

Two people with the same experience. One of the them could not wait to tell their friends how they had survived in the “wilderness” and the other was in a total state of depression. Embarrassed about not seeing the weather ahead, the destruction of the equipment and disappointed about the event. How could one see the trip in a positive fun way and the other on the same trip be totally depressed about the same trip.

Self talk and control of thoughts totally determine our attitude. If we do not be careful about the way we talk to ourselves and careful about not magnifying our beliefs or thoughts, the same may create a lot of stress for us and this could be a trigger for anger.

What is worst about the anger at this level is that we may direct our angry behavior towards those who do not deserve it and we will suffer again when we look back on our actions in that state of anger.

William James once said, “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”