Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

All of us appreciate it when other show us patience when we are struggling with our schedule or learning something new.  We know how frustrated we feel and all the reasons why we cannot accomplish what we wish and we are thankful when others put up with our circumstances even if it inconviences them for a small period of time.

Patience many times is another facet of empathy, putting ourselves in the shoes of another.  Teaching our children about patience can begin with taking turns playing a game, waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting to speak to an adult, or even if we must wait for an older person or disabled person to complete a task.

Helping our children to understand that “waiting without complaining” is what we do when we are showing patience, and that this is a great character trait.  Not showing patience can make the other person feel in the way, not important, or as if they are not being treated fairly.  While patience can be a challenge for us in our busy lives, it can also have great rewards, especially in having faith in ourselves and our ability to wait for something we really want or do.

Depending on the age of the child, understanding the feelings of others may be difficult, if only due to developmental reasons.  A five year old has one emotional ability and a 12 year old another.  One thing though that does happen is that when they are angry no matter there age or training – they will be blinded to someone else’s feelings. 

Developing this empathy will help them to understand that all of us have feelings and just as we react to how others treat us, we too can react to how others feel.  Some children though who have had painful lives, may defend themselves by shutting down their sensitivity to others.  Or they may use intimidation and fear as a part of their defense.

Teaching empathy is a two fold.  First every child needs to understand feelings and they need adults around them whom they can trust.  With our younger children, increasing their “feelings vocabulary”, is very important to them identifying both their own and others feelings.

If we find older children are having difficulty with understanding the feelings of others, encourage them to write down stories in a journal.  If they have a problem get them to write or or talk about what happened – from the other persons point a view.

Finally as a parent or teacher, describing our own experiences and the emotions that we feel can be very helpful.  They can identify that you have faced difficult situations or may still be dealing with them, and they will learn to empathize.  

As I discussed sportsmanship with our classes one thing came up that I found very interesting.  Sportsmanship is very much like empathy.  When we look at what we do through the eyes of others, when we put ourselves in their shoes we know immediately if what we are doing demonstrates sportsmanship. 

I know that when I think about who I like to compete with it is those that don’t complain if they lose or gloat when they win.  They don’t yell at me if I make a mistake, and they don’t make fun of me.  They won’t push me and always try to make things fair.  Now if they are the things that make me feel good about playing with someone, then I want to be sure to do the same for them.  (that is empathy)

This is a great time to teach our children about empathy using sports or games.  They can see and feel it and that experience will have the greatest impact on them. 


Teaching our children and remembering ourselves to be free with complimenting others for a job well done is key to how others feel about us and our relationships.  For some compliments come very easy.  We are quick to recognize the good the other person is doing and pleased to recognized them for a job well done.  For others though it comes slower and it is not as easy to give the compliment. 

When our children learn to say ‘good job’ to other children they lessen the chance that they will be picked on by others.  It is important though that the compliments that are given are genuine and not empty.  This is an interesting thought when it come to what our children see us do as parents or teachers.  If they see that we are constantly praising, giving praise and compliments when none are deserved they begin to learn a method of manipulation and hypocrisy.  That really raises the question then about how to give constructive critique versus harmful critisism without hurting the feelings or self esteem of your child or friend.

Here is a simple formula that teachers and parents can use very effectively.  It is called PCP. Praise, Correct, Praise.  Simple but it can be difficult to remember to do.  I know for myself I can be in a hurry to get the correction out and have to stop and think about the feelings of the other person, empathy, to be sure that I combine it with praise for what they are doing well.  When praise bookends a correction it is much easier to take to heart.  It is like putting the pill your dog needs between two pieces of cheese. Doing so though is good manners.

Have you ever noticed that the word please and thank,  sometimes come out of mouths almost like “well I have to say it” sort of attitude.  In fact in our efforts to teach ‘manners’ to our children they may say it just to please us parents, without the spirit of the words behind them.  On the other side of that, children may begin to believe that the word “please” is indeed a ‘magic’ word that will work for anything that they want.  (As parents sometimes we tell them that)

No wonder they soon start using it as a magic word.  It goes something like this.  We are in a store and they see a toy that they really want and they ask for it.  “Mom will you buy this toy for me?”  and just as quickly out of our mouths comes the words ” No, not today.”  Suddenly they remember that you told them “What’s the magic word?”  one time and so they try it.  “Please can you buy it for me? Please, Please, Please, Please….” until we cannot deal with it any more and we as parents do one of two things.  We either get angry and snap at them or we give in and buy it for them.

I told a group of students the other day, that this was disrepectful of their parents and that “”Please” does not trump the word NO”.  When a child begins to believe that the word please is a magic word instead of being a word that we use to show respect for the other person they may begin demanding with it.  Yes the way we say something, or the way we use our words, is just as important as what we say. What a child is saying to a parent in effect is – I don’t believe that your word NO is what you really mean and if I say magic words enough or strong enough, you will give in and I will get what I want. 

As we teach our children about manners it is really the ultimate form of empathy, a characteristic we have talked about before.  The use of the words please, thank you, your welcome, are all ways of being considerate, respectful and kind to each other. 

When it comes to solving the situation that faces us, we know that using our words in effective ways is key to calming down any of our responses.  We have learned from others that expressing our feelings and why we feel that way to the other person is the first step.  We will want to use “I” messages, no matter what age they are.  None of us want to hear someone blame us for something or tell us don’t do this or that.  It does not matter if we are a youngster or an adult.  What touches us is when we know how our action affected the feelings of another person. Recognizing those feelings is practicing empathy.

So if I am a child I may say, ” I feel angry when you kick my blocks down”, and if we are talking to our parents we want to say, “I feel frustrated (angry, disappointed or whatever the feeling is) when I do not get to have a play date.”  Then the conversation begins with more control and less emotions of the moment. 

When parents set the example by doing the same in return to their children, it models to the child anger management.  None of us want to or set out to hurt each other. Learning to calm ourselves down before we make a choice that we regret later is one of the most important self defense we will ever practice.

Today we are going to talk about asking permission.  What does asking permission have to do with self control?  It starts at a very young age.  When a child wants a toy or crayons that someone else is using or has in their possession, the first thing that pops in their head is to grab it and take it for themselves.  Then as they get older they may use things that belong to their siblings or friends without asking.  As teens this may evolve into going out or to places without clearing it first with their parents.  As adults we may do things because we feel we have the right to do so (because we are adults).

What would happen if as a 5 year old we just grabbed the markers out of the hand of another child?  Is it safe or fair?  Will that solution work?  Of course not, we expect that we would learn to ask nicely without grabbing or yelling.  So we say “Excuse me, may I use that marker when you are done?”  As we get older We can begin to learn about respecting the rights of others and their property.  Even as pre-teens we learn that it is the respectful thing to ask for permission from our siblings and friends if we want to use their video game, or other possession.  Then we return it when we say we will.  This begins to build trust and respect for each other.

As we get older and have more freedom though we want to remember that just because we have the right to do something does not mean that it is the respectful thing to do.  Asking for permission for things that we want and need, instead of just taking them, helps to build trust and respect.  If as a teen you are spending the evening at a friends house and they decide to go visit another persons house, it builds trust and respect if we call and ask permission from our parents.  Why should we do this?  Using our empathy imagine how mom and dad would feel if they called for you and you were not where you said you would be.  They would first be very frightened and then upset and then they would begin to not trust you for your word.  A simple phone call would resolve all of that and create a better relationship with your parents.

Having said that about our kids it is time for us as parents to examine how we treat them.  If we are going out do we let others know where we are going and what time we expect to return.  If this is not a practice we have, we cannot expect our children to do any different.  In fact they are going to believe that being a grown up means you can do what you want, when you want, without telling anyone.  Taking this simple step of – self control – has far reaching impact on our relationships with our family and friends.


Beyond listening and being sure that what we heard is what the other person meant by paraphrasing, the next step in empathy is to show concern.  Showing or expressing our concern is a very visible way of showing that we care about the other person and their feelings.

We can do this by expressing our concern with words and offering to take action if they would like us to do so.  We may say to a person who is sick – “I am sorry that you do not feel well. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”  Our children can learn about expressing concern by practicing this and role playing it with their parents.  

For instance we may ask them what could you say if one of your schoolmates was being bullied at school?  When I asked this at our school many of the kids wanted to fix the problem with some sort of solution.  “just ignore it”  “walk away” were common responses.  But for the other person to know that we care we may want to say, “ I am sorry those boys were picking on you.  Would you like to play with me? or Would you like to hang out with me and my friends.  Maybe they will leave you alone then?  Or Would you like to speak to a teacher about what happened.

As we go into this year lets all of us see if we can express empathy for others.  Doing so will contribute to the peace of ourselves, family, community and the world.

It is one thing to feel compassion for another person or situation and quite another to be demonstrate empathy.  I think we all can agree that we like to be listened to when we are speaking and even more important to be heard.  Most of the time we are not looking for someone to solve the problem for us – we want to know that someone understands and more important that they care.

One way of being sure that the other person knows that we heard and understood what they were saying is to repeat back to them what we heard them say, using slightly different words, paraphrasing.  When we do this we are sure then that what we understood them to say and what they meant to convey were the same.  For instance if we ask our child to clean their room for this weekend we may have in mind that it be completed prior to other activities on the weekend.  But the child may have only heard the time frame “weekend”  and may feel that as long as it is done by Sunday night that that fills the requirement.  However if they had paraphrased back to us “So you would like me to have my room cleaned by Sunday on this weekend”, immediately we would know that there was a misunderstanding and could correct the situation before there was conflict.

The same is true for understanding the feelings of others.  We may state back to a person, “So you are upset when …..”   Being able to paraphrase effectively helps us to listen more closely and confirms that we understand each other which allows us to be more empathetic.

We tell a joke or say something that is funny.  One person laughs – another person does not.  We serve squash at dinner, one person likes it – another person does not.  We are at the ocean and we playfully splash water on our friends, one person laughs – the other person gets mad. 

What happened here?  Two people can feel differently about the same situation.  In fact what may be amusing to me on one day may aggravate me on another.  No matter the situation we must consider the personality and mood of a person when we are using our empathy. 

Now we know that on an intellectual basis but have you ever seen someone do something that gets a bad reaction from another and then says, “just kidding”.   If we make someone angry, hurt, or upset, does saying “just kidding”  solve the situation.  In my opinion it does not.  In fact given the tone of voice or other physical actions I may even question the sincerity of the comment. 

Many years ago I had an embarrassing situation take place that required an apology and a rethinking of how I described things.  One day I had a phone call from a business acquaintance whom I had never met in person.  He asked me how I was doing and I said “I was busier than a one-armed paper hanger”.   We both laughed, but then a couple of months later I had the occasion to be in his office.  Much to my surprise he was an amputee with just one arm.  Can you imagine my feeling at the moment of meeting him.  Now whether this is just being too PC or not – but I vowed to myself never to use such an expression again unless I knew the person very well and then in person only. 

No matter our age we must take responsibility for the choices and actions we make, even if we didn’t mean it.  How would we do this?  We must make a sincere apology to the party that was hurt, and then be sure that both ourselves and others do not continue in that line of speech or action.  This is true whether it is a young child playing with another child’s hat or joking that is done by an adult.