Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

Have you ever noticed that the word please and thank,  sometimes come out of mouths almost like “well I have to say it” sort of attitude.  In fact in our efforts to teach ‘manners’ to our children they may say it just to please us parents, without the spirit of the words behind them.  On the other side of that, children may begin to believe that the word “please” is indeed a ‘magic’ word that will work for anything that they want.  (As parents sometimes we tell them that)

No wonder they soon start using it as a magic word.  It goes something like this.  We are in a store and they see a toy that they really want and they ask for it.  “Mom will you buy this toy for me?”  and just as quickly out of our mouths comes the words ” No, not today.”  Suddenly they remember that you told them “What’s the magic word?”  one time and so they try it.  “Please can you buy it for me? Please, Please, Please, Please….” until we cannot deal with it any more and we as parents do one of two things.  We either get angry and snap at them or we give in and buy it for them.

I told a group of students the other day, that this was disrepectful of their parents and that “”Please” does not trump the word NO”.  When a child begins to believe that the word please is a magic word instead of being a word that we use to show respect for the other person they may begin demanding with it.  Yes the way we say something, or the way we use our words, is just as important as what we say. What a child is saying to a parent in effect is – I don’t believe that your word NO is what you really mean and if I say magic words enough or strong enough, you will give in and I will get what I want. 

As we teach our children about manners it is really the ultimate form of empathy, a characteristic we have talked about before.  The use of the words please, thank you, your welcome, are all ways of being considerate, respectful and kind to each other. 

Each month we define and discuss a word of character development with all of our students.  This month the word is Manners.  It will be defined this way.

Young students:  “Showing kindness in everything I say and do!”

Older students:  Manners means:  Words and behaviors that show respect for other people.

If you would like to see how we will deal with this subject with our students please follow our discussions here during the month of April.



For us adults it may seem to be a silly subject to bring up about using manners requiring the use of self control.  I have found though that listening very deeply is very hard to do. What I mean by that is that as our child, spouse, workmate or someone trying to help us in the store is trying to tell us something, that many times we are thinking about the point we want to make or what we want to say – while they are talking.  This may lead right into interrupting them or finishing their sentence – so we can get our thoughts in to the conversation.  Now while we correct our children for interrupting us while we are on the phone or speaking to another adult, they are watching us do the same to others.  Oh how funny it is that the things that bother us about our children the most are the very habits and attitudes that we see in ourselves.

So here are a few things to remember when we may need to interrupt a conversation.  Lets use an example of mom talking to a teacher with her child beside her.  Lets say the child wants to ask a question of mom.  (so many times the questions they want to ask are not about the conversation but rather about what they want to do now or later in the day)  Of course it would not be self control to whine or just to blurt something out while tugging on the sleeve of mom.  In fact as the child gets older they would want to learn what was appropriate to question at this time and what should wait. 

The self controlled way of dealing with this is to (1) wait for a break in the conversation; (2) say “excuse me” and (3) ask nicely (one time, not whining or demanding)  Now their may be times that waiting is notnecessary , and that would be in the case of an emergency.  As our children get a little older we can help them to appreciate what asking nicely includes.  Things like tone of voice, facial expressions and the words we say.

In my mind though it all begins with respect for the other persons thoughts and rights to express them.  It begins with our being interested in how the other person feels about a subject and our willingness to ‘listen deeply’ to be sure we understand how they feel, with an emphasis on others.