Tag Archives: feelings

Friendship: Qualities of good friends

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If you have a good friend, especially one that has been around for a long time, that is a very special feeling and privilege. For some they may have a friend that they had from some of their schooling days – whether it is primary or college days. As the one saying goes “To have a good friend, you must be a good friend.”

So we want our children to develop those sort of friendships that last a long time. In fact it is with those sort of friendships that middle and high school are going to be easier to navigate. It is not about just being popular, it is about healthy relationships between two individuals.

Developing friends and keeping them does not come easily for all children or adults. So what should you do if your child is having trouble making or keeping friends? We will spend some time this month looking at ways we can be a good friend and how others are good friends to us. Continue reading →

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Anger management: #5 we need empathy

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Depending on the age of the child, understanding the feelings of others may be difficult, if only due to developmental reasons.  A five year old has one emotional ability and a 12 year old another.  One thing though that does happen is that when they are angry no matter there age or training – they will be blinded to someone else’s feelings. 

Developing this empathy will help them to understand that all of us have feelings and just as we react to how others treat us, we too can react to how others feel.  Some children though who have had painful lives, may defend themselves by shutting down their sensitivity to others.  Or they may use intimidation and fear as a part of their defense.

Teaching empathy is a two fold.  First every child needs to understand feelings and they need adults around them whom they can trust.  With our younger children, increasing their “feelings vocabulary”, is very important to them identifying both their own and others feelings.

If we find older children are having difficulty with understanding the feelings of others, encourage them to write down stories in a journal.  If they have a problem get them to write or or talk about what happened – from the other persons point a view.

Finally as a parent or teacher, describing our own experiences and the emotions that we feel can be very helpful.  They can identify that you have faced difficult situations or may still be dealing with them, and they will learn to empathize.  

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Anger management: #4 One word answers

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As I speak to children about different scenarios that they could see themselves in I continually hear the same one word answers, good, bad, mad.  These are the labels that many children know and understand.  So when asked about different situations they will use these as their answers many times.  Yet we know that anger does not exist in a vacuum.  There is always another emotion at work when there is an outburst.  We recognize that in ourselves too.

With children though they may not have the words to identify the other emotions and so they are only, mad!  When the child feels only the anger, they act on the anger and the impulses of the anger.  So what can we do as parents?  If we can put a label on the feelings for them by saying, “You must be feeling…..”  this would be a good start.  Some would say that we could say, ” You must be feeling angry.”, but we must be careful not to reinforce the feelings of being mad – and careful to watch to see if recognition of feelings of anger is used to redirect the energy to solving the problem.  Our children may protest that they are not frustrated, jealous, or whatever the feeling might be that we name, but what we are trying to do is to build their vocabulary so they can start using the correct feelings words and finding ways of dealing with them.

As we make these attempts we will make mistakes and mis-characterize the emotion.  Do not give up and just keep working at building everyone’s awareness of feelings.

This is an activity that has worked for me also.  If I am feeling angry I try to stop and think, what am I really feeling?  Am I scared, intimidated, frustrated, hungry or a whole list of other emotions and feelings.  If those can be identified we many times can draw the attention to an emotion of feeling that we can control.  That is very powerful.

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Anger management: #3 The Blame Game

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We have all seen the child or the adult that sees others as the cause of their anger.  Someone, or something provokes them, and their anger is the “reasonable response”, from their point of view.  Its not their fault if they loss their temper because…  This is a way of sidestepping the responsibility for their feelings and reactions and the damage that they may cause. 

One of the reasons they take this position is because of feeling out of control over their lives.  They may feel like their is very little they can do about a situation and in fact the pain that they are feeling and they are upset at those they they believe caused that pain.  They feel like they cannot stop what is happening and so they go into the fight or flight mode – and they choose to fight.  This lack of power they are feeling is brought on by not knowing that there may be a solution to the issue.  The more they blame others the more they believe it and the more angry they become.

Some of the favorite methods they might use, actually brings more trouble to them and you will probably recognize some of these.  They may speak in a sarcastic manner, criticize others, get in your face because of not knowing when to back off, or nag until the other persons patience is gone. Here is what we want to remember though:  Even if there is a reason for the reaction and the anger, it does not absolve one of the responsibility.  There is a difference from explanation and excuses, but that is hard for a child or an adult to see, especially if they have used these tactics for a period of time.

Even when children or adults continue to find a way of not taking responsibility and blaming others, we must recognize they are still feeling the pain and would very much like to get rid of the pain.  One nine year old said, “One part of my brain tells me to stay calm and another part tells me to by angry.  I can’t help it if the angry side wins.”  What you hear in this is a cry for help, a desire for understanding from others and to feel like they are in control of their feelings.  They don’t want to feel powerless.

What can we do to help a child or an adult who feels like this?  We must teach them to recognize the causes of the anger and suggest alternative resolutions to the problems.   This takes time and patience.  My personal example I think is a good one for that.  Every year at the beginning of November I became a bear to be around.  I was short with everyone and took nothing from nobody.  After looking at this deeply I realized that this was the time of the year that my father passed away when I was very young and subconciously I was still reacting to this.  I was 32 years old when I figured that out.  It takes patience.  But please remember that patience is part of the lesson of problem solving. 

Like in most things you will not solve problems by using the same thing against the problem.  Do not shout, blame or have pointless discussions that the person deserved what they got.  It solves nothing.  Find a way to suggest that even if someone else is to blame that we need to find a solution to handle this that benefits you.  This will be very helpful to the angry child or adult.

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Anger management: speaking calmly

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When it comes to solving the situation that faces us, we know that using our words in effective ways is key to calming down any of our responses.  We have learned from others that expressing our feelings and why we feel that way to the other person is the first step.  We will want to use “I” messages, no matter what age they are.  None of us want to hear someone blame us for something or tell us don’t do this or that.  It does not matter if we are a youngster or an adult.  What touches us is when we know how our action affected the feelings of another person. Recognizing those feelings is practicing empathy.

So if I am a child I may say, ” I feel angry when you kick my blocks down”, and if we are talking to our parents we want to say, “I feel frustrated (angry, disappointed or whatever the feeling is) when I do not get to have a play date.”  Then the conversation begins with more control and less emotions of the moment. 

When parents set the example by doing the same in return to their children, it models to the child anger management.  None of us want to or set out to hurt each other. Learning to calm ourselves down before we make a choice that we regret later is one of the most important self defense we will ever practice.

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Anger management: hitting your pillow?

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I have heard of therapist and psychologist suggest to individuals that it is a good idea if you are angry to go and take it out on your pillow.  One person in fact bought a soft object from me that was made for swinging to be used by her client to hit objects in her room – just to get the anger out.  So what do you think about this?  I believe that if we take to hitting things when we are angry that we are practicing what we would really like to do.  In fact we may one day when we are really angry not be able to control ourselves and actually do what we have practiced for all of those years, except this time it may be a real person. 

We see this sometimes when someone, usually a man, who cannot control themselves, puts their fist through the wall.  Eventually they will hit someone and create some very difficult situations for themselves.  So what is the answer?  We need to check in with our feelings and recognize that we are feeling anger.  When we check in we may recognize that the feeling is not anger as much as it is frustration, jealousy, embarrassment or some other feeling.  Once we recognize this we can ask ourselves, How can I calm down?  It may be one of the four ways we suggested in an earlier post, or it may be another way that works for us.   Then the question is, how do I solve this problem? 

How to solve the problem is always interesting because we have an entire list of ways of doing this.  Next time we will examine solving the problem.

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Do you get angry?

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Everyone gets angry or sometimes has anger lingering in them.  For a young person it may be having a toy taken away from them by another child.  It may be not getting their way or what they want at that very moment.  As we get older though we may be angered because of being lied too or we may be frustrated, feeling guilty or it may be due to a fear that we have.

I will tell you my own example.  My father died when I was 13 years old.  I did not even realize it – but it made me angry that he had left me alone at that time.  That feeling followed me for a very long time and it was not till I was close to 30 years old that I realized that my anger about that unfortunate circumstance was having an affect on other parts of my life. 

How we feel anger can be different too.  It may be that we frown, clench our teeth, wrinkle our brow, feel it in our stomach, head or throat.  Some may react by clinching their fist, crossing their arms, stomping their feet or screaming mean words.  Others may just become very quiet and internalize their feelings.  So as we begin to discuss anger management we recognize that it is about how we handle anger in a safe, fair and positive way.  Of course it is OK to be angry, but its not OK to just someone with our words or physically because we are angry.

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Emapthy: expressing concern

Beyond listening and being sure that what we heard is what the other person meant by paraphrasing, the next step in empathy is to show concern.  Showing or expressing our concern is a very visible way of showing that we care about the other person and their feelings.

We can do this by expressing our concern with words and offering to take action if they would like us to do so.  We may say to a person who is sick – “I am sorry that you do not feel well. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”  Our children can learn about expressing concern by practicing this and role playing it with their parents.  

For instance we may ask them what could you say if one of your schoolmates was being bullied at school?  When I asked this at our school many of the kids wanted to fix the problem with some sort of solution.  “just ignore it”  “walk away” were common responses.  But for the other person to know that we care we may want to say, “ I am sorry those boys were picking on you.  Would you like to play with me? or Would you like to hang out with me and my friends.  Maybe they will leave you alone then?  Or Would you like to speak to a teacher about what happened.

As we go into this year lets all of us see if we can express empathy for others.  Doing so will contribute to the peace of ourselves, family, community and the world.

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Empathy: Understanding what is said

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It is one thing to feel compassion for another person or situation and quite another to be demonstrate empathy.  I think we all can agree that we like to be listened to when we are speaking and even more important to be heard.  Most of the time we are not looking for someone to solve the problem for us – we want to know that someone understands and more important that they care.

One way of being sure that the other person knows that we heard and understood what they were saying is to repeat back to them what we heard them say, using slightly different words, paraphrasing.  When we do this we are sure then that what we understood them to say and what they meant to convey were the same.  For instance if we ask our child to clean their room for this weekend we may have in mind that it be completed prior to other activities on the weekend.  But the child may have only heard the time frame “weekend”  and may feel that as long as it is done by Sunday night that that fills the requirement.  However if they had paraphrased back to us “So you would like me to have my room cleaned by Sunday on this weekend”, immediately we would know that there was a misunderstanding and could correct the situation before there was conflict.

The same is true for understanding the feelings of others.  We may state back to a person, “So you are upset when …..”   Being able to paraphrase effectively helps us to listen more closely and confirms that we understand each other which allows us to be more empathetic.

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Empathy: Communicating feelings

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One of the hardest things for all of us is communicating our feelings without blaming the other party for “making” us feel a certain way.  Yet this is one of the most important parts of empathy.  As someone trying to practice empathy we are not just going to let others walk all over us.  We should not give up our  own power and feelings just to make someone else feel good.  That is not a win – win.

 Finding a respectful way of expressing our feelings is key to maintaining this balance.  One way of achieving this is to use “I” messages.  Now we have all heard this before but putting this into practice whether as an adult or a child is difficult without taking our time to respond. 

One suggestion that is key to expressing ourselves respectfully is to take 3 breaths prior to speaking.  Consider quickly how the other person is feeling or what the situation is that created the feelings of the other person.  Once we have done that the message we deliver should be on the lines of  “I feel hurt when you speak to me in that manner.” 

Now having the correct feeling in our mind may be the hard part and we may need to take note of what we are really feeling and why.  So as we teach our children how to use “I feel statements’, we need to teach them feeling words.  This will give them the vocabulary to use and not just use one or two feelings for everything.  They should learn words like angry, frustrated, disappointed, happy, proud, left out, hurt, and how to use them. 

Finally as parents we want to model this when we are talking about other adults, situations at work and especially when we are disciplining our children.  These are teaching moments.  Remember, our children learn more about how to handle things from what we do that from what we tell them to do.

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