Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

Can you make someone else smile, feel good, sad, angry, frustrated?  Most of us know that we have that power just by what we say or do.  In fact it is by our choice of words or actions that others many time are affected and can have very strong emotional reactions.

One action like a smile or hug may make someone happy, another action like leaving someone out may make them sad.  Now it is not always possible to make others happy with our actions, nor should we, but we should be aware of and in fact we may want to predict the affect on others prior to taking a certain course of action or making certain statements.

There are some goals or actions that we can set for ourselves though that help both ourselves and others. What if we chose to help out a charity group with some of our time or to tutor a child who needed to improve in their reading.  If we are a young person, what if we helped our brother or sister with some of their work or read to a senior citizen.  All of these things demonstrate empathy and will no doubt make others happy.

Here is one more question on this subject though.  What is it that gets in the way of our seeing how our choices or behavior affects other people?  I think back to the time when I was a teenager and I do not think that I thought very much about how my actions would affect those closest to me.  Some of my actions brought pain and worry to my mother.  Was I that self – centered that how she felt just was not that important to me? 

When I look around and I see the hurt of some young people and their parents today. It goes both ways.  Some parents are so busy with their “lives” that their children are feeling very hurt and are affected by the lack of closeness.  One young man (17 years old) said to his pastor one day, “All I want is for my mom and dad to stop fighting about money and just spend some time at home with me.”  He said this just after his parents gave him a brand new BMW to ride around in. 

It is the hardest thing in the world to know how another person is feeling.  So the question is how can we adjust?  How can we do this first and foremost with our own family and then with others.  This is just a thought but I believe it takes deep listening and time.  As we start this year off, I for one plan on making empathy a bigger role in the decisions and choices I make.  That is one way to make a difference in the world that we live in.

One of the hardest things for all of us is communicating our feelings without blaming the other party for “making” us feel a certain way.  Yet this is one of the most important parts of empathy.  As someone trying to practice empathy we are not just going to let others walk all over us.  We should not give up our  own power and feelings just to make someone else feel good.  That is not a win – win.

 Finding a respectful way of expressing our feelings is key to maintaining this balance.  One way of achieving this is to use “I” messages.  Now we have all heard this before but putting this into practice whether as an adult or a child is difficult without taking our time to respond. 

One suggestion that is key to expressing ourselves respectfully is to take 3 breaths prior to speaking.  Consider quickly how the other person is feeling or what the situation is that created the feelings of the other person.  Once we have done that the message we deliver should be on the lines of  “I feel hurt when you speak to me in that manner.” 

Now having the correct feeling in our mind may be the hard part and we may need to take note of what we are really feeling and why.  So as we teach our children how to use “I feel statements’, we need to teach them feeling words.  This will give them the vocabulary to use and not just use one or two feelings for everything.  They should learn words like angry, frustrated, disappointed, happy, proud, left out, hurt, and how to use them. 

Finally as parents we want to model this when we are talking about other adults, situations at work and especially when we are disciplining our children.  These are teaching moments.  Remember, our children learn more about how to handle things from what we do that from what we tell them to do.

While it is important to figure out by looking at someone or a situation what someone is feeling, it is just as important to predict how someone may feel if you speak or if you act in a certain way.  When we are able to predict how someone may feel given a set of circumstances, we can gauge how and what we may say or do.  

This is an important social skill that we can teach our children by playing a game with them or by just simple conversation.  We may ask them, “Lauren just moved and will be going to a new school tomorrow. How do you think she will feel?”   We can make up other scenarios that may be applicable to our own children that would be good for them to consider the feelings of others.

When we take children out of the scenario, their own emotions about the situation do not get involved and they can express clearly what may happen.  When the time is appropriate you can compare it to a situation that they are in and it will be easier for them to understand how they may respond with more empathy.

When we are in the middle of a situation, especially if there are emotions involved, it can be very difficult to be empathetic.  Practicing predicting the feelings of others can be helpful for all of us, child or adult.

Developing empathy is a major anger control tool because it is more diffiuclt to stay angry at people once you understand things from their point of view. The skill of empathy also involves increased sensitivity to how you yourself are coming across to others.

Have you ever noticed how many times people are so focused on their own needs, wants and feelings that there is very little time or effort spent on how others might be feeling.   Last month we talked about being open-minded and accepting the differences of each other, and what better way of doing this than to be aware of the needs of others as we make decisions.  To do so effectively we must understand the feelings of other persons.

Some have put it this way, “We must climb inside the other person”, “Walk in their shoes”, to really be able to respond to situations in a way that is empathetic.  The very first step in this process is to be able to read and understand people’s feelings.  This calls for taking the time to listen and observe body language, gestures, tone of voice and other observations to help us understanding the other person. 

The step of listening is so important in this observing.  Not just hearing but ‘deep listening’ , observing where they are coming from and why they be taking the stand that they are taking.  Of course asking good questions and listening closely to the answer without pre-judging or thinking we know the answer is the first key step in being motivated to respond to the needs of others.

How good are you at understanding?  If you were to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 where would you be at this point, and more important – what could you do that would increase the score?  This month lets consider this together and see if we can raise our awareness in ourselves and in those around us. 

One of the hardest times to demonstrate courage is when we need to stand up for what is right or to do the right things when others are choosing to act in a manner that is not fair or not safe.  No matter our age we are all subjected to peer pressure.  Both adults and kids get in situations when there are injustices taking place, either by word or action, and we are confronted with the question if we are going to speak up to friends or leaders in our community.

This is very hard.  Ralph W. Sockman once said; “The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.”   It takes courage to speak up, but that is what leaders do.  Leaders lead the way and do what’s right even when it is hard to do.  They do what is right because it is the right thing to do, and not based on what others will think or do. 

How we develop the ability to do this is by making decisions based on internal values and not external values or influences.  It is not that we do not care what others think, we must have empathy for the feelings of others, but we have core values and a conscious that helps direct us into doing the right thing no matter the opinion or influences of others.  I have not spent anytime on the subject of teaching our children how to think for themselves, but I will put that on my list of things to write about,  but in very simple terms as  parents we must first and most importantly demonstrate that for our children.  If they see that we are influenced by what our peers have, say and do – they will act and react in the same manner, even in things that we thought that we taught them better in. 

How do we know though if an issue is to big for us to handle by ourselves?  If we are a child and we see something taking place that we know is not correct, good, safe, and fair to someone else and we do not know what to say or do – it is time to ask for the assistance of an adult.  If we are an adult and we do not know how to handle a situation or if it bigger than we are prepared for, it is OK to ask for help and advice.  That is what leaders do.  Great leaders always know when to ask for help.

Asking for help if we are not able to right a wrong is so much better than seeing an injustice and ignoring it, choosing not to be involved.  Being involved is what citizenship in our community is all about.

Of course we want to believe that our child would never be the ‘bully’.  But what if your child really is a bully?  I believe that if we were to be honest when we examine ourselves,  that each of us could find times in our lives that we have been the bully.  The reasons that we, or anyone uses their power over another person to get their way (bullying), can be varied. 

Bullying may begin because we feel powerless in another situation or that we do not have any choices.  Or it may be that we are angry about something and we are taking it out on someone else.  Or it may be that we even may have a certain amount of jealousy or contempt. 

The author of the book “ The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander” believes that it is about contempt and suggests 5 ways that we can prevent our own child from being a bully.  I have listed them in bold and then commented on them from my own experience.

Watch your own behavior. It is very easy for us to send a message to our child without even realizing the message they are receiving or how they may interpret  how they can use  the message.  The way we treat others, joke about them or comment on them can say to our child that it is ok to have ‘fun’ at another’s expence.  The use of racist’s jokes or poking fun at the  looks of another person may give our child permission to do the same to people that they meet.

Nurture empathy and sympathy. Even as adults we can be unaware of the affect our behavior or comments are having on another person.  As we carefully monitor our own behavior we can also point out when our child does a kind deed, the emotion that they feel as well as the emotion that the other person feels.  The more we can demonstrate the consequences – good and bad – of our behavior and words on others, the more we are nurturing empathy.  On the other hand, voicing or getting pleasure from another persons feeling bad or distressed does not nurture empathy and may give permission to our child that it is OK to make someone else feel uncomfortable.

 
Monitor TV, video games and music. I do not believe that games, music and other forms of entertainment cause mean behavior, but they can jade us to that sort of behavior and make it difficult for a young person to determine what is right and wrong.  From my personal experience I know that over the years as I studied the subject of peace and reduced the amount of movies and television shows that I watched that contained violence, I found that I was not able to tolerate it as much.  While I do not suggest that we delete media from our kids lives – I do believe that we can be sure to have discussions with our children about what is right and wrong and help them to see the affects of those acts on others – even if they were in a form of entertainment.

Teach friendship skills. One of the number one ways I like to teach victims of bullies to  overcome this is to make the bully your friend.  Unfortunately many times bullies do not know how to be a friend.  Teaching our children to be a friend can be done both by socializing them with their peers and demonstrating and point out to them our own behavior.  In addition I would suggest that providing opportunities for them to serve others in their community and discussing and letting them see the affect on the recipients of their kindness can really drive home how to be a friend.

 
Engage them in energizing activities. Challenge your child in activities that require them to exert energy.  I am not a believer in “if you are angry go home and take your frustration out on the pillow”, as I believe that this is only teaching us to react with violence on our pillow and one day it is possible that we could give our selves permission to do the same on someone else.  But I do believe if we are not getting enough physical challenges that have to do something with that energy and it could come out in ways that are not appropriate.  

The points that we have outlined above are good for all of us as parents whether our child or ourselves are bullies or not.  All of us can use reminders on ourselves to be kind to others and be aware of the consequences of everything that we do and say in the course of our day.

For more information about bullying go to Mr. Joe’s site – Stop Bullies.  Mr. Joe is available for Bully Prevention seminars for all age groups in your school or at his martial arts studio.
 

This morning I am about 24 hours away from leaving for Alabama to spend 5 days with like minded martial artist in a setting that many would ask, “What does that have to do with martial arts?”
It is a learning experience for me.  It is an opportunity for me to take the lessons I have learned on the mat like perseverance and put them into application in the real world.  In this setting I can see the lessons my instructor is teaching in action.  Taking all of the organizational, motivational and deep thinking skills and putting them into practice.
It is a time to demonstrate acts of kindness and peace and to honor those before us who have done the same.  Martial arts may be about self defense, but in fact it is kindness, empathy, tolerance and celebration of differences that create peace.  If the ideal meaning of health is energy -  the ideal meaning of peace is happiness.
This trip is also a lesson in teaching leadership.  Leadership is demonstrated by doing not just by sitting in a classroom and learning techniques of making people listen to you.  The lessons I would like for all of our students to learn is about leadership.  Thinking for oneself and doing something about what we see needs to be done.
See my journey in the UBBT at MY JOURNEY

This week the reports came out showing improvement in the academic test scores across the State of Maryland.  While that is good, and the closing of the gap of test scores across the board of students is a good accomplishment, we should remember that education is not just about test scores.  Nor is it about one’s physical prowess as a sports star, or how many toys you will be able to collect after getting this education.
It is about children growing up to be happy, productive and useful members of society.  Growing into adulthood with a love for life, with compassion and empathy for others.  Our goal here at Balanced Life Skills is to support every child’s most important teacher, their parents, reinforcing all of the lessons they hope for their child to learn.

We have started our conversation with our students about compassion with a review of the word ‘empathy’.  All of us need to be understanding and sensitive to people’s feeling and that really is empathy.  If we take that a step further with compassion when we don’t just recognize the feeling, but care deeply about their discomfort and take steps to reduce their suffering.
Our children are exposed to highly competitive environment and way too many acts of violence on TV and quite frankly in their own life.  They are very sensitive to the attitudes and actions of those around them and recognize violence in its simplest forms.  They like ourselves can become jaded to these acts and so that makes teaching compassion that much more important in todays world.
So this week coming up we will discuss how what we do and say can affect how others feel.  Take some time this month to point our when we see compassion in action and praise our children for showing compassion to others.