Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

Our children, just like ourselves, find that we are on a variety of teams.  It may be a school, sports, service project, or for adults we may be on multiple teams at work.  Whenever we find that we are with a group of people trying to achieve a common goal, it requires that we have teamwork.

While all of these outside activities are important to demonstrate the qualities of good teamwork, our inner circle of our family is the most important.  In fact it is here in the family that we first lay the groundwork for teamwork, and this is where we should have our foundation and strongest ties.

Teaching the quality of teamwork to our children with our example and words have a far reaching affect on their relationships later when they get in school and have to deal with social issues and behaviors of classmates, teachers and teams that they may be taking part in.  During this month we will look at what it means to be a teammate, why some teams are successful and others not, how we can contribute to teams we are on and how and why we should speak up as an individual on a team.

Finally I will be tying all of this in to how teaching teamwork to our children has an affect on bullying in school.  Follow us here or come in to the school and enjoy taking classes with our team of dedicated instructors.

Martial arts schools so many times have students brought to them to build their confidence.  What is it about the training that takes place there that accomplishes that goal, and what can you do as a parent at home that would emulate that training.

Confidence is built on feeling good about yourself and what you have achieved.  In the martial arts you have goals set before you, some of them physical and some of them mental.  You are given the time frame to accomplish them in, and if you stay on target and practice you will most likely reach those goals.  When goals are reached, the confidence is built, so that when the next even harder task is asked of us, we know that if we commit ourselves to the task or skill, we will be able to accomplish it and yes – build even more confidence.

Imagine though, we quit or gave up saying it was too hard, or worse asked the instructor to excuse us from having to do something because…  what would our confidence be like when the next task was asked of us.  We may be willing to give up again, and possibly with even less effort.

Here is the bottom line:  When we achieve something after working hard, we feel good about ourselves and know we can do anything if we commit.  When we feel confident, we’ll set more goals, and have an easier time committing and persevering.  What have you done recently that shows perseverance?  Did you get past your fears, or not let others influence you to stop reaching for your goals?  Did you tell yourself, “When the going gets tough, I don’t quit!”

For teachers, the classroom is a mix of many personalities and abilities of the students.  Teachers are expected to fill many roles in their efforts to care for the academic needs of the students and yet we know that just having ‘knowledge’ is not the key to success in life.  As children get older and move into the t’weens age, social issues arise and they can have a definite affect on the ability of a student to learn.  While social intelligence is not the ‘responsibility’ of the teacher, the best teachers are those that reach their students in ways beyond facts and figures. 

Maintaining peace in the classroom will call for the teacher to be aware of the personalities and any interactions that are not leading to a good learning environment for even one of the students.  But how should a teacher react if they observe or suspect that some form of bullying behavior is taking place?  This will depend on many other factors including the age and gender of the students, how others who observe the actions are reacting and the nature of the bullying behavior.

One thing is for sure though, and that is that doing nothing or ignoring the incident will only empower those acting out and reinforces the bullying behavior.  It also sends a message to all the other students.  Unfortunately many students already believe that teachers won’t do anything or just are not interested.  I know that is not true of most teachers,  but that is the feeling of many students.  To create the safe environment you want in your classroom and school, we must act, but the question is, How?

I have started a website / social network – Bully Prevention Partners – to discuss such questions for all involved, including teachers, parents and students.  I will be posting strategies for parents and teachers as well as running training programs for students in bully prevention.   If you are interested in joining our efforts to create peaceful classrooms and positive learning environments for all students, please join in the conversation.

Here is the outline for teacher intervention, with details of what to say, being posted on the Bully Prevention Partners site.

1. Say out loud what you see and hear
2. Invite the parties to give more information
3. Label the behavior and note the no tolerance rule
4. Convey expectations
5. Encourage different behavior

For parents you will appreciate the steps teachers can learn to use, as in the end we are teachers too.  We want to be prepared for what may arise in our family too.  While your child may not be affected at this time by this issue, the fact is that statistics show that 75 – 80% of all students will be before they leave school.  How will you know and how will you help them?  Our goal is to get ahead of the issue with all children and students.  Do not wait till your student shows all the classic signs or maybe never tells you – but is affected in deep emotional ways.  Even those that only observe bullying taking place are affected, wondering if or when it will be them that is picked on.  Every child deserves to feel safe in their home, school and community.

As I started this piece I was thinking of all those times my father and mother both told me I was not living up to my potential.  I thought about how many times even teachers told me that I was wasting good talent.  But I do not remember any of them coming up with a solution – other than just saying to me – You Have To Apply Yourself!  Do you know how empty those words are to a middle school or high school student?  What do you mean “apply yourself”?  Then I would go off about how it was bad teachers or any other excuse that made perfect sense to me.

Now that I am in the other position and past having my own kids that are frustrating me with their lack of effort – I have looked at this subject with much more objectivity and deeper than ever before.  Yes there are things that you can do.  No there is not a single conversation you can have and then everything is fixed. But here are a few steps that should help over the long haul, and yes it can be a long haul.

1. Look for ways your child is already using perseverance.  It may be saving money for a certain ‘thing’ they want.   Discuss with them the steps they had to take to accomplish that goal and then offer the idea that the same techniques can be used to accomplish other goals.
2. Do not start with getting straight A’s.  Start small and maybe something that is fun for them.  It may be a finishing a book, building a project or learning a new skill.
3. Allow the child to choose the goal.  “I want to learn how to ….”  Now you have something that they are excited about and you can help them with planning how to reach the goal.
4. Be aware and alert to things your child says that will give you the opportunity to teach.  They may say, “I would like to read the most books this summer, or win the science fair, or get a ipod”  Now you have a place to start with setting out steps, an action plan, and a timetable to reach that goal.
5. Include your children in your own goal setting process.  It may be for accomplishing something around the house, or learning a new skill yourself.  Include them in on how you break down the tasks and make it happen over a period of time.
6. Be real with them.  If there goal is to learn to play a musical instrument the amount of commitment is different than if there goal is to win the science fair.  Helping them to grasp reality vs. making them believe their goal is impossible is the balance you must make.  Helping them to think it through first will help to keep them from being discouraged when things do not happen as fast as they thought they might.
7. Celebrate, Celebrate, Celebrate!  When you see them put forth the effort, sticking to their plan, and making progress – be sure to commend them and celebrate the effort!  This will go a long way in keeping them on track and encouraging them to complete other goals in the same manner.

Finally, making goal setting a part of their life is key to working on these steps.  Before the school year starts, begin talking about the goals they have for the year and how they plan on reaching them.  They may be academic goals or social goals, or they may be goals for showing leadership in areas of interest to them.  If your child has been the target of bullies in the past, they may have a goal of standing up to them and being proactive for changing the culture of their school.  You can help them with role-playing and getting them to think of ways they can accomplish their goals. 

I am here to help your child also to take leadership roles, to encourage them and provide help to them.  What if your child was a part of or started a project to help the hungry, stop bullying, provide school supplies or something else that they were interested in.  Balanced Life Skills wants to help them to accomplish their goals too.

The A in SPARK stands for ACTION.  Before we can persevere we must take the first step – we must act on our goal – even if we are uncertain of the outcome.  Not being afraid of taking action, or afraid that our action may not yield the result that we hoped for is an act of courage and confidence.

As a parent we can praise the effort or the actions that our child has taken to reach their goal.  We can also teach our children how to break down a very large goal into smaller steps and accomplish them one by one in a consistent manner – with the end result being reaching your goal.  In our martial arts training we may want to reach a goal of being able to do 50 push ups on our toes without stopping.  To reach this goal we need to break it down into do-able steps.

Here is how we might reach that goal by taking action.
1. commit to doing 5 good push ups 5 times every day. (using a timer allow 10 minutes between each set of 5)
2. after one month start doing 10 push ups in the same pattern. (at first this may be a little hard, but soon you will be able to do it without any problem)
3. continue adding 5 every month to your set and if you persevere, you will be able to do 50 in less than one year.

The key to this is you must take ACTION 6 days per week and not skip days.  You must persevere!

This really brings us back to the beginning when we first started talking about this subject of stress.  Stress is the direct result of feeling like there is too much to do, relationship issues, deadlines to meet and feeling like we have lost control of our selves, our lives and sometimes even our feelings.  In the martial arts what we teach students is a Black Belt Success Cycle.

The Black Belt Success Cycle goes like this:
Know what you want
Have a plan and a success coach
Take consistent action
Review your progress and renew your goals

Here is how this relates to reducing stress.

1.  First you must know what you want / or what the problem is.  Can you identify what you feel is wrong.  When, Why and Where is it happening?  What would you like to see happen that would make your life better?  What is your goal? 

2.  Brainstorm some ideas of how to reach your goal.  They do not have to make sense to you right now and you do not have to think of the perfect plan now.  Come up with many different ways that you believe you could solve the problem.  If you cannot think of any, talk to your supporters for their ideas and then get them written down.  Now it is time to select a solution.  You may want to have a ‘success coach’ as you weigh your different options and to help you stay on track.  Pick one that you believe will help you reach your goal and that you are comfortable with.

3.  Commit to working your plan and take consistent action. Persevere and do not give up.  If you have a ‘success coach’ they can help guide you and keep you on the path you have chosen.

4.  Review your progress. Is what you are trying working or not working?  Do you need to tweak a part of it or try something new altogether?  Has something changed for you, are the circumstances or end results the same as when you started on this path?  Regularly checking in and then renewing and sometimes revising your goals will keep you feeling like you are in control of your life and the decisions being made that effect you.

Making decisions and choices about your life is a key part of reducing stress.  In our next series of article we will discuss how to make the best decisions possible so that you stay on the path that will make you feel the best and result in the success you want out of your life.

The P in SPARK stands for PASSION.  Developing passion in our children is something that we all would like to see happen.  Sometimes we see a child who seems passionate about a sport or another activity, but find out it is really about their friends being there and not really passion.  On the other hand we may have a child who does not seem to be interested in anything – and isn’t that frustrating, especially if we feel like all they want to do is sit and …..(fill in the blank) 

Our job as a parent is to expose our children to a variety of activities and interests.  While we may find one child interested in reading or math – another child may have a passion for one particular sport or activity like horseback riding or nature.  Some children will thrive with competition and teams while others would rather do something by themselves.  The martial arts if taught in a manner that does not promote competition may be a perfect fit for someone who does not want to compete.  If we are not sure where their head is at, we can keep trying by listening to them and paying attention to what appears to make them happy.  Then you can do what you can to expose them to and promote their interest.

One word of warning though.  Not all children will be interested in the same things and certainly not interested in what the parents may want them to be interested in.  Trying to find what our child is passionate for calls for a certain amount of non-ownership, allowing the child to express themselves and then doing what you can to support their interest.

One small side note:  One of my children, the youngest, showed an interest in books and films.  He would spend hours reading and watching films.  As he was exposed to that world more and more he eventually went to college for creative writing and now has a book published.  I can tell you that understanding the level of that passion and watching him go to a college for writing is hard for a parent – but one that has resulted in a very happy young adult.