Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

Teaching character and life skills to students

The first word we here in trustworthiness is ‘trust’.  Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote,” I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”  There are many ways of losing that trust and it is not just with words.  As we get older, teens and adults, it is not about games, tests and papers any more.  The concept of trust goes to a much higher level and becomes very personal in our relationships in love, work and friends.

The second part of that word is ‘worthiness’.  Are our words and deeds worthy of trust?  If we were to ask ourselves how the other person might feel if we take this action or say these words it will help us to be aware of the affect and consequences of our words and actions.   Being truthful with tact and kindness will make all of our relationships much stronger.

While some may be willing to put up with others not being truthful most find it very hard to continue in a relationship where trust has been lost.  It simply is not comfortable to be in any kind of relationship – personal or business – that you are suspicious of those that you have interactions with.  We can begin teaching our children these values and principles by helping them to appreciate that being trusted is one of our most valuable qualities.  By not cheating or taking what does not belong to us in little things we set the course for when we are older and the stakes are higher.

Teaching character and life skills to students

This is a question that every parent has asked themselves, just not understanding how “their child” could possibly do this to them.  Children lie for the same reason that their parents do, they are attempting to solve a problem.

Problem: I want to go outside to play  and I have homework -

Solution: Tell mom and dad I did it already.

Problem: I want to go to a friends house but my room is not clean -

Solution: Stuff everything under the bed and tell mom I cleaned.

Problem: I don’t like what is in my lunch

Solution: Tell mom I ate it, but really I threw it away.
Sometimes the ‘problem’ is not disappointing you or wanting your approval.
Problem: Broken vase

Solution: “I didn’t do it.” (knee jerk reaction)
Lying is a faulty problem solving technique for the child.  Now that we know that they are using it as a problem solving technique we know what they really need is not a lecture on how “bad” they are for lying, but rather they need better problem solving techniques.  However that does not mean that there should not be consequences for lying.  Here is the key to the consequences though.  It is best to have a consequence for the lying and a separate consequence for the behavior or problem they were trying to solve.  For example; if the problem is not turning in homework – you may have a consequence for lying about it (taking something away for a short period of time) and a problem solving technique (a specific time to do school work under your supervision.  This would be even if they say they have no homework – they still must use this time to study and do school work until you can see improvement).
There is an Asian philosophy called ‘Mushin’ – staying calm and disconnected when you have been triggered by an act or words.  When dealing with lying as parents we cannot take it personally and we have to simply have a consequence that we apply in a matter of fact manner for lying that happens every time.  Our children have to know that they cannot get around the rules simply by lying.  No lectures on the morality of lying (though in a less heated moment it is good to discuss this) but rather a value that the family has;  ”in our family we tell the truth” and we solve problems in other ways other than lying.   Being trustworthy is one of the most important connections we have with our children and the need for trust goes both ways.  Learning and practicing better problem solving skills will reduce the amount of lying done by our children.

Teaching character and life skills to students

One of the differences between one who reaches their goals and has a successful career and life and those that do not is in this quality of trustworthiness.  Those who consistently tell the truth, keep promises, keep secrets, do not cheat, follow the rules, do the right thing because it is the right thing to do and are accountable for the mistakes they make – achieve success in all parts of their life.

Those who choose to do otherwise may gain some short term successes, but in the long run their success will be very shallow and they will create a legacy of not being trustworthy.  Teaching our children about trustworthiness is not just what we talk about, but mainly about what we demonstrate with our actions.

Teaching character and life skills to students

Our legacy or how we are remembered is a day by day, place by place, person by person event.  If we are the guests of someone in their home and are disrespectful or leave a mess – that person will remember us for that event.  If we are in school and we are good listeners and work hard and are conscientious about our school work – that is how that teacher will remember us.  Many of us have had our older brother or sister go ahead of us in school and even what they are remembered for is expected from us – good or bad.

How we behave is how we will be remembered and how we are remembered is about our character.  Persons with good character have good principles that they live by. They believe in honor, integrity, duty, justice and other ethical values.  They live up to those values because of two other qualities namely, conscious and courage.  Conscious is our internal voice that reminds us of our moral obligations and courage helps us to do the right thing even when the cost is high, risky or unpleasant.

No matter whether we are parents or children we will be remembered by the character we display, both in the good times and the difficult.  As parents though we are molding the children’s character everyday and every minute.   The choices that we make create our legacy and affect the way our children will create their own legacy.  The same is true if we are the older child in the family.  So when we make a choice we might want to do it with the question in our mind, What would we do if our child was watching us, or our parents are watching us or our sibling was watching us?

Is this action one that I would like to be remembered for by those around me and that are so important to me?

Teaching character and life skills to students

This week as we started to talk to our students about LEGACY, one of them had their grandparents with them.  After the class the grandparents were sure that we had had that discussion because they had been in the audience.  Unfortunately too many times we think of leaving a legacy about those who have already lived a full life or even more often of those who have passed away.

Our goal this month is to help our children to understand that every day of our life we are building and leaving a legacy.  A legacy is simply how people remember us. Therefore our behavior in every moment leaves an impression on others.  The choices that we make determine and leave an impression on how others remember us.  It is our legacy.

In the book Fahrenheit 451 the author said, “Everyone must leave something behind when he dies…Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there.”  In so many philosophies and spiritual teachings we get the idea that the actions we take will have an effect on many generations to come, and that we were affected by many generations prior to ourselves.

Who are some people that you feel have left a powerful legacy?  It may be for good or bad, but others are influenced by what they said or did.  Just as important what is the legacy that you are creating for yourself?  How can we help our children to understand that the choices we make determine the legacy we live?

Teaching character and life skills to students

Having the courage to stand up to others and especially our friends may be one of the hardest things we may ever feel the need to do. It can by scary to do what we believe and know to be right when our friends are disagreeing with us. We do not want to lose the friends – but we don’t want to have those bad feelings inside ourselves for doing something that is not in line with our own values. Let alone the idea that we may as a child get in trouble with our parents.

Sometimes a young person will do something that they know is not right, does not fit the values and morals of their family, because their friends are doing it and they want to be like their friends. When that happens they have succumb to peer pressure. As an adult we must also remember what it was like to be a young person, trying to find their way and we should remember times that we did the same – caved in to peer pressure. In fact, even as an adult we still have peer pressure to deal with and it can be difficult for us too.

Every child should be taught by their parents, what I call “THE SECRET” to showing courage. You must decide and practice ahead of time what you will say and do for all situations that may come up in the future, prior to the time that our fear and emotions set in. You can be assured that all of our children will be approached at a very young age and encouraged by someone to smoke, steal something, cheat on a test or take drugs.

Practicing with our child what they will say and do will be how they have the courage to stand up to those tests. Without the practice we are sending our children out to the world with no skills or tools and we are just hoping that those long lectures we gave them will come back to them and they will do the right thing. By role-playing and practice we help them to know that they can do and say the right thing, “because it is the right thing to do”.

Teaching character and life skills to students

Courage is all about facing our fears and challenges with determination.  One of the biggest challenges we all face is going outside our comfort zone, trying something new or pushing past what we believe we are able to do.  It is very easy for us, especially adults, to get comfortable with what we are doing, and when faced with the opportunity to try something new – we may be intrigued – but not enough to give it full effort.

I love this quote – “The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.” When we challenge ourselves we will find ourselves becoming better, more informed and more accomplished than we can even imagine.  Setting this example for our children and students is part of our responsibility to them.  We certainly do not want to see them going through life practicing mediocrity.

Teaching character and life skills to students

When we are scared all kinds of things happen to our body and mind.  Our teeth may get clinched, shoulders raised, wobbly voice or a very quiet one.  The look on our face changes and our heart begins to beat in a pattern that we feel it every time.  If we are scared by something startling us it may feel like all the blood is rushing out of our bodies.  Being scared affects everyone a little different, but I am sure you can identify what happens to you.

So when we have a child, what scares them may not seems so scary for us, but this is an opportunity to teach a couple of things.  First recognize the feelings that the child is having and help them to see you empathize with them, without validating that they should be afraid in this situation, unless it is an unsafe situation.  When they see us empathize, later they will be able to use this skill with others.

Then if the situation or the ‘scary thing’ really is safe, we want to reassure them that we are there for them and that that this is safe and it would be OK for them to try.  You may want to demonstrate for them, or be with them as they try.  The child needs to know that you believe it is safe and it is OK to try.  Once they have given it a try, praise them for their courage and explain that with courage we will accomplish things that we may otherwise pass by and miss the experience.

Teaching character and life skills to students

When we are scared, all of us have individual reactions. For some it may be that our hands get clinched into a fist, or it is our breathing that changes. It could be visible in our face or voice. Then there will be where we feel it inside our bodies. Is it in your chest, legs, shoulders or do your eyes get closed and you turn away.

What is interesting is that being brave or showing courage has a physiology too. When we are brave we stand tall, shoulders are back, chin is up and eyes are looking straight ahead and our voice is strong. The thoughts going through our head are more clear and not racing.

How do you act when you are scared? How do you feel when you are showing courage and being brave? The simple act of changing our physiology can affect how we are thinking and feeling. Helping our children see that when we let them know that a situation or activity is safe, they can change their physical bodies and feel brave. This will be followed by them being brave and having the courage to do what may have been scary to them.

Teaching character and life skills to students

This month we have defined courage as the willingness to face fears and challenges with determination.  Now while some may believe that courage is not having any fear, the fact is that those with courage probably are just as scared, nervous or worried as others, they just do not let that get in the way of going after their goals.

Fear is always relative to experience and the stories we tell ourselves.  If I tell myself a big enough story about ferris wheels I may not be willing to try to get on that ride at a carnival.  If I tell myself that speaking to a group of people may result in me embarrassing myself, my fear may prevent me from taking that risk.  But when we look at history many who would not have initially have appeared to be strong, were in fact willing to get past their fears and make stands for what was right and to make decisions that later affected generations of individuals.

Learning how to demonstrate courage, how to calm ourselves down so we can make courageous decisions and act in courageous ways is what we will be talking to our students about this week.

Here is a photo of courage.  This student of Balanced Life Skills does have a fear of heights and was able to conquer the high ropes course during the day of endurance for her black belt test.