Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

Have you ever noticed that the word please and thank,  sometimes come out of mouths almost like “well I have to say it” sort of attitude.  In fact in our efforts to teach ‘manners’ to our children they may say it just to please us parents, without the spirit of the words behind them.  On the other side of that, children may begin to believe that the word “please” is indeed a ‘magic’ word that will work for anything that they want.  (As parents sometimes we tell them that)

No wonder they soon start using it as a magic word.  It goes something like this.  We are in a store and they see a toy that they really want and they ask for it.  “Mom will you buy this toy for me?”  and just as quickly out of our mouths comes the words ” No, not today.”  Suddenly they remember that you told them “What’s the magic word?”  one time and so they try it.  “Please can you buy it for me? Please, Please, Please, Please….” until we cannot deal with it any more and we as parents do one of two things.  We either get angry and snap at them or we give in and buy it for them.

I told a group of students the other day, that this was disrepectful of their parents and that “”Please” does not trump the word NO”.  When a child begins to believe that the word please is a magic word instead of being a word that we use to show respect for the other person they may begin demanding with it.  Yes the way we say something, or the way we use our words, is just as important as what we say. What a child is saying to a parent in effect is – I don’t believe that your word NO is what you really mean and if I say magic words enough or strong enough, you will give in and I will get what I want. 

As we teach our children about manners it is really the ultimate form of empathy, a characteristic we have talked about before.  The use of the words please, thank you, your welcome, are all ways of being considerate, respectful and kind to each other. 

As if the garbage patch found in the Pacific is not horrific enough scientis have now announced that a similar area is found in the Atlantic Ocean.  Here is a link to an article in the National Geographic about this situation.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/03/100302-new-ocean-trash-garbage-patch/

So what can we do?  Reduce the amount of plastic that we consume.  We have grown to be reliant on plastic everything -  but we can as individuals take steps to reduce the amount that we use on a daily basis.  I have personally taken this challenge and am recording the plastic that I use.  Why record it?  For me it helps to make me more aware of the issue and reminds me to question myself – Is there another way of doing this without plastic.  Sometimes there is – sometimes there seems to be no choice. 

Be Aware.

When we apologize quickly and sincerely we can fix many of the mistakes we make due to the lack of self control.  But there is another way that ‘doing the right thing’ comes into play when we talk about self control.  That is by thinking for ourselves even when our friends want us to do something that we don’t think is right.  All of us are going to find ourselves in a position when someone; schoolmate, friend, workmate, boss, is going to ask us to do something that does not feel right to us and then the question is, “Will we use our thinking ability and self control to not give in to peer pressure and do something that we will regret later?” 

The same S.T.E.P. is required for this situation also.  First we need to Stop and not say or do the first thing that comes into our head.  Then we need to THINK about the possible solutions to the situation.  Then we need to EVALUATE all of the possible solutions.  (Is it the right thing to do, will it work, is it safe, is it fair?)  Then we need to PROCEED. 

No matter whether we are an adult or a teen when we proceed in a situation that calls for us to stand up to peer pressure we first must Stand Tall, Look them in the eyes, say NO like we mean it, and why you won’t do it.  Being assertive is the key to success in our quest to demonstrate self control.  This is not being mean, angry or vindictive.  We simply are following our plan to stay in control of our lives – not allowing others to persuade us to do something that we do not believe is the right thing to do. 

We teach this to our children by demonstrating on small scale these attributes.  When we spill something or break something we fix it.  If we hurt someones feelings, we fix it.  When we are asked to be a part of a gossipy conversation we take a stand.  Our expectations for ourselves and our children will be demonstrated on a daily basis so that they see self control in action.  Even in our diet;  what we eat and drink, how much we eat and drink, how and when we exercise, our sleeping habits all are a demonstration of our self control.  Helping our children to see how we do this and the example of others that we can show them is key to them growing up with this quality.

Beyond listening and being sure that what we heard is what the other person meant by paraphrasing, the next step in empathy is to show concern.  Showing or expressing our concern is a very visible way of showing that we care about the other person and their feelings.

We can do this by expressing our concern with words and offering to take action if they would like us to do so.  We may say to a person who is sick – “I am sorry that you do not feel well. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”  Our children can learn about expressing concern by practicing this and role playing it with their parents.  

For instance we may ask them what could you say if one of your schoolmates was being bullied at school?  When I asked this at our school many of the kids wanted to fix the problem with some sort of solution.  “just ignore it”  “walk away” were common responses.  But for the other person to know that we care we may want to say, “ I am sorry those boys were picking on you.  Would you like to play with me? or Would you like to hang out with me and my friends.  Maybe they will leave you alone then?  Or Would you like to speak to a teacher about what happened.

As we go into this year lets all of us see if we can express empathy for others.  Doing so will contribute to the peace of ourselves, family, community and the world.

Here are the first two entries into to the art contest.  Can you write a story, poem or make a picture or video that describes kindness.  Kindness is…

Recently we had a motivational speaker visit our school and he told me how he asks young children How many of you know how to color?  They go wild telling him how they know how to color.  Then he asks them How many of you know how to dance?  Again the same reaction.  But when speaking to a group of executives at a large conference he asked the same question and the question received a very timid response, many of them waiting to see if someone else was going to put their hand up.

As many of us get older we become very concerned about what others think and if we are going to fit in.  In fact it many times stops us from trying new things or looking at new ways of doing something.  What do you think goes through someones mind when they are thinking about trying something new, whether it is an idea, getting to know someone new or a new food?  Well I am not sure if this is everything, but I am sure they are wondering if they are going to like it, is it going to be easy, am I going to be good at it, are others going to laugh at me or it looks a bit scary.

Someone once said, ” Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things.  The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions:  could have, might have, and should have.”  I would be surprised if I ever met anyone who told me that they have never spoken those words.  But wouldn’t it be a shame if we got to the end of our life and we said I should have tried to be an artist?  I should have learned to play an instrument.  I wish I had earned my black belt.

Most of the time the stories we make up in our head are worse than the reality.  Once we get ourselves involved then we enjoy it much more than we even imagined.  You will never know if you are going to like something until you try it and we must remember that even our favorite food or thing to do was once new to us.  So here is the question for all of us.  What is the answer when a person is fearful or nervous about trying something that they are not used too?  As a friend or a leader how can we help?  How about you as an individual, what could you try this month that would challenge one of your fears?

Each month we define and discuss a word of character development with all of our students.  This month the word is Open-mindedness.  It will be defined this way.

Young students:  Open-mindedness means: “I like to learn about new things, new people, and new ideas!”

Older students:  Open-mindedness means:  Being open to new ideas and avoiding narrowness of thought.

I so enjoyed hearing this story this morning that I had to share it with everyone.  This is the film that went with the story.

Recently I read a book about success.  The very first or second thing in the book was the question, Do you take responsibility for your life?  I thought this was interesting from the point of view that we hear individuals young and old who want to push off that responsibility from themselves onto anything else.  Then there is the thought that there is no in-between.  You either take responsibility all of the time or you don’t. 

When we take that responsibility is when we can begin to have success in life, because we recognize that the results we have achieved, good or bad, are the results of the choices we have made.

The same is true with the question of dependability.  Dependable individuals make mistakes.  But when they do they do 3 things.

1. Apologize
2. Take responsibility
3. Make it right

 With the world filled with individuals who are quick to say, “It’s not my fault”, “It’s not my job”, “I forgot”, and every other excuse in the world, it is great to be around people who take the responsibility and in lieu of trying to lay blame, look for ways to solve problems or take on challenges that need attention.

That is what dependability is about. Being honest with ourselves and others, being dependable even when it is not comfortable, not making excuses or laying blame, is the way we act as leaders and we gain the trust of those around us.